Abaddon

If I died after opening this thread, my family would mourn me. My parents and sister would torn apart (I don't have any friends) and would most likely suffer for a few years. After a while they will most likely return to stability and remember me for who I was. Through the years I would become a distant memory, until one day my image, my emotions and my actions would no longer be remember. They would mourn my being, but with the years I would become a distant and forgotten. The only thing keeping my "memory" alive would be my journals and blog entries, where my true self actually exists. In the end, the words I wrote would be the only memory and tie I would have to this world. Hopefully, the pages do not disintegrate, and hopefully the internet never collapses. If that happened, my existence would be snuffed out forever.

I know you asked for online resources, however, the most unbiased information can be found in academia. There are numerous books and journals out there that have detailed information about Scientology. If you live near a major university I would suggest going to their library and examine the religious studies section where you could find tons of books (I have a BA in Religious studies and I was working on an MA in Religion). A great book to start with is The Future of Religion: Secularization, Revival and Cult Formation by Rodney Stark and William Sims Bainbridge. They have a whole chapter devoted to Scientology, where the examine the church's history and impact on society. Further, it is an amazing resource on New Religious Movements. If you can't make it to a library, the book can be found on amazon. Not to create any controversy, but what about catholic tithing that requires a portion of your salary to go to the church, and in the Jewish faith (I was raised in a Jewish family) to belong to a temple you had to pay yearly dues based on the amount of people in your family, further you had to pay more if there were children and you had to pay for Hebrew school among other expenses. There were no exceptions, to belong to said temple you had to pay for your membership. There has always been a monetary aspect of religious organizations. I understand that Scientology is run like a business, however, they are not the only religious movement that requires its followers to give money to a church or temple.

I'm a writer and I deeply struggle with this. Every time I produce a piece I think it's utter crap. I'll read it over and over again, each time finding new things to dislike. However, I have learned to just post my work, after editing, regardless of my utter hatred of the piece. What boggles my mind is that everyone likes my writing, even though I can't stand my work. It gets very confusing and disheartening, however, I just keep writing because I love to write.

I sleep on a massive chair in my living room, beds are overrated. Nothing feels better than sinking into my ultra comfy chair, wrapping myself in a thick blanket, pulling it over my head and eyes and falling asleep.

I fear everything that is outside of my apartment door- that includes other humans, especially other humans. When I'm around new people I get visibly sick, start shaking and want to run away crying. It's horrible, because I get so lonely. I'm only 25 and I am afraid of other people. This is because I have horrible anxiety due to long term psychological abuse (this all happened in the workplace, for over three years) that destroyed my self-confidence and exacerbated my already existing anxiety/paranoia/agoraphobia. So I spend most of my time on the internet, because I can actually converse with other people without having to fall apart every time I have a conversation. Anxiety and extreme low self confidence sucks! I'm trying my hardest to work at it and have finally forced myself to go to a support group, but I'm looking at a long and painful journey before I can overcome my fears.