Longhaul

Congratulations, @TheRockARooster!

I’ve started and reworked this post quite a few times over the past few days, and I doubt I’ll ever be happy with it, so I’m going to go with this revision and be done with it. As many of you might be aware, I was granted a reader position in the Golden Oaks Library Revival club here on the forums. I consider this a high honor, and a duty that I will not take lightly. I never expected to be granted any type of staff position here, so being accepted was a complete surprise to me. I’d like to publicly thank all of those that were willing to give me a chance. I am doing everything I can to not let your trust in me go unfounded. I’ve been given chances to prove my worth in the past, and been met with mixed results. In many cases, I was simply brushed aside, simply because someone else came along that people liked better, and I was relegated to a minor role, if I was utilized at all. To be given trust, and to have that trust suddenly yanked away, really hurt me, and made me reluctant to take on greater responsibilities for fear of such events happening again, or being judged incompetent and being cast off permanently. Even now, in my current role within the company I work for, I tread carefully, cautiously. Yes, I’ve done this job before, and yes, this time around I am a bit older and wiser, with more knowledge about what is expected of me. Yet, I can’t seem to shake the persistent nagging doubt that all of this could come crashing down around me and I, once again, will be cast aside. The only thing I seek is the satisfaction of a job well done, and occasionally the acknowledgement of the higher-ups that, in fact, I am doing a good job. Constant praise is not what I am after. All I ask is to make my contributions, and hopefully be acknowledged that my efforts made a positive difference. I greatly fear being pushed out, or marginalized, or under-utilized in any position I hold. That, to me, reveals a lack of trust which I find very difficult to reconcile. Am I not doing well enough? Do they just not like me? Was I the only option available and now that they found someone better, am I going to be released from my duties without so much as a ‘good riddance’? These thoughts plague my mind at times, and I have to do my best to make sure they don’t creep into my work. This is why I put so much effort forth, and keep my head down and just do what I am tasked with. I offer input only when I feel it’s relevant, and can only hope I won’t be ridiculed too hard if it turns out to be a bad idea from the start. Probably not the best way to do things, but for now, until I grow more comfortable, this is the way I’ll probably be. If you read this, thank you, it’s something I’ve been trying to get out of my head for a little while now. Maybe I can sleep a little easier now and not worry about personal fears that have no boundary in reality.

I think I need to stop overthinking things. It only makes more work for me down the line.

I can't think of any instance in my life when I have had to use it outside of high school, so yes.

I have a few things I am attached to, and that have sentimental value, mostly from people I no longer have contact with.

VH1 I Love the 70s: 1971

Long ago, I had a job where one of the supervisors was a Satanist. He was a pretty decent fellow, and we got along pretty well.

Keeping a journal or diary has never worked out for me, in that I tend to unlock very unpleasant things inside my head, and they keep repeating themselves page after page. I stopped doing it and now I only blog or whatever when I have something positive to write about. And even then it goes through about a kajillion revisions before it sees the light of day.

I'm kind of the same way. Spontaneity has never worked out well for me in the past, and because of that I like to have a plan in place when I'm going to do anything. Even just a general plan for the day helps things move along better for me. Oh, and bananas. I absolutely cannot stand the taste of bananas.

Anxious, waiting for this project I'm working on to come together and hoping my contributions are good enough.

I may make myself a fancy dinner, but it's really no different than the other 364 days of the year for me.

Snickerdoodles. Which is basically a sugar cookie coated with cinnamon sugar. I still should make a batch of those , I didn't do it this week.

Yes. I have trouble tolerating bright light these days.

I've left forums for various reasons over the years, the biggest one being I never felt I belonged or could make a meaningful contribution to the community at large. I'd usually end up coming back, then leaving again when the same doubts kept raising their heads. So, basically it's more of a 'me' thing than anything to do with the forums themselves. I think now that I'm on more of an even keel that won't happen any more.

If we factor lurkers in, maybe closer to 5-8%

I wish I eight something for breakfast today...

Oh, you do not! For those that are still curious as to what I sound like, my voice is available in the Golden Oaks Library Revival club. Listen if you wish.

I try not to judge anybody, I like to get to know the real person behind the avatar.

I have every confidence you'll get this, and I'm looking forward to working with you.

Depends on whether my gender-swapped self would want to date me.

Around 8 hours, maybe a little more on weekends.