Holy Sword Excalibur

I just have one question for all of you. Are you ready?

*whacks you with cane* FOOL! Have you forgotten provision 812? Don't touch Excalibur. Ever.

Hmpf, fool.

I was driving home after seeing "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them."

Thank you. Didn't remember what it was called in universe.

Name: Top Story Age: 25 Species: Unicorn Appearance: Top Story is a reporter and dresses like one. His coat is a light brown and his eyes are deep green and his mane is gray. He always wears a brown suit with a red tie. He has a pair of pincers glasses. His horn is on the short side. Cutie Mark: Top Story’s cutie mark is a magnifying glass with a green triangle in it, symbolizing his specialty in investigative journalism. The green triangle symbolizes his desire to write about secret societies in Equestria. Personality: Top Story is highly persistent. Once he sets his mind to something, he pursues until something more interesting comes up. He once pursued a Pegasus because he was convinced he was a member of a secret society in Equestria, which turned out to be a disappointment as it was just a meetup to play Ogres and Oubliettes. He is still salty over the embarrassment when he barged in accusing them of cult activity. While being prone to making hasty decisions that usually involve gold metal levels of mental gymnastics, he still means well and will apologize for his accusations. Throughout multiple humiliating experiences, Top Story has never lost his spirit at any point. He always has a smile on his face, save for when he is making his usual accusations. Bio: When Top Story was a colt, he lived in Trottingham where he joined the school newspaper as a journalist. When he started his job as a journalist, he struggled for a story to write, and read some books and in one, he found out about several secret societies that have existed in Equestrian history. The stories fascinated him into wondering if the societies still existed. He thought he had his answer when he heard stories around school about a secret club that practiced dark magic. He spent days obsessing over finding this club, and when he did, he bursted through the door ready to question them, only to learn that it was a larping group. At that moment, he became embarrassed and apologized for interrupting and left grumbling. However, that day he vowed that he was going to find a real secret society in Equestria no matter what. This is where he gained his cutie mark, and he now works at the Trottingham Times, a newspaper company where he works as a journalist like he did in school. Magic abilities: In combination with basic levitation, Top Story also knows a spell that can turn him invisible.

To Battenberg: Excellent! As a reward, I will tell you the tale of my adventures! My legend began in the 12th century on a warm Summer day, or was it a Winter night? I'm almost certain it was a crisp Autumn afternoon. Then again, it could of been a wet Spring morning. Yes, I remember now. It is was a hot and blistering Summer day. I remember because all the hot babes fought for me that day. That warm Spring day. I was young and in love...*tear* To Cupcake: Today may just be your lucky day. Would you like to be my meister and have everlasting power and glory for all eternity? All you have to do is observe the thousand provisions required to wield me. Unlimited power does not come for free, after all. To Victoria: FOOL! *waves cane* You are blinded by undeserved pride. When King Arthur was my meister, he had an excuse to be prideful as he was king of England and was admired for his wisdom and courage. You are nothing more than an amateur baker with a bad haircut.

I like my steak the way I like my women-thick and juicy and next to my other steak.

This is a rather awkward situation...

Fools. The taller the hat, the better the chef, which brings me to provision 529. The hero must always work to be better than he was yesterday. So tell me, how are you better today than you were yesterday?

Do any of you know the significance of this hat I am wearing?