offering critique OC Sinning

[P-Jay 1,987]

Has anyone ever seen or heard of CinemaSins? If so, great! If not, its a channel on YouTube that finds every fault, plot-hole, cliche, and mistake made in movies, each wrong-doing counting as a 'sin.'

 

Me, and @Fractured, are offering to do our little parody of CinemaSins, in an Original Character format! We'll review a profile, find everything wrong, to sin the character accordingly. 

 

So, if you're looking for someone to tell you everything wrong with your OC, along with hopefully laughing as you read, then you've come to the right place! 

 

Just submit an OC profile, and we'll get right to it. We'll do our best to get back to you, as soon as we're done.

 

Although, fair warning, we won't be going easy... 

 

So without further ado...Who wants their OC sinned?

Edited June 12, 2016 by P-Jay

[crispy fries 432]

Well, Redwood is pretty much my pride and joy, so let's see what's wrong with her. Do your worst: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/redwood-r9305

[Meson Bolt 2,648]

O.o

 

You're probably not gonna believe me, but I used to do the same thing a couple years ago on an old Sonic the Hedgehog forum. People would submit their OC's and I'd tear them to pieces!

 

I don't suppose you'd be interested in letting me join your crew...

[El Duderino 879]

I see things like this as an opportunity for me to recognize what's wrong and improve it, so tell me about my sins. Don't go easy on me.   https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/treble-r8882

[Jackie Snack 1,498]

Eh, why not? I love a little criticism.

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/jackie-trade-r8265

 

However, some of those videos that do 'sins' and whatnot tend to target stupid stuff (ie, why do cars have eyes). I'm expecting an intelligent review, not something like 'lol how earth pony uses hammer dur'

 

Edit: Are you doing in-universe reviews, or general reviews?

Edited June 13, 2016 by x0jackie0x

[FanOfManyShows 396]

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/serenity-r9548 I wonder what the final sin count will be for this guy.

Edited June 13, 2016 by Frannis

[P-Jay 1,987]

Well, Redwood is pretty much my pride and joy, so let's see what's wrong with her. Do your worst: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/redwood-r9305

 

Everything. Wrong. With.

 

Redwood

 

 

Name--no sins

Age--no sins

 

Appearance: 

 

 

'Redwood is a brown earth pony with a short beige mane and tail. Her eyes are green, she wears a banana over her mane, and has a vest left over from her military days that holds sentimental value for her.'

 

'Item-from-a-dark-past-that's-precious-to-the-character' cliche. 

*ding*

 

Cutie Mark:

'Redwood's cutie mark is two crossed rifles, which represents her proficiency in combat and knowledge of weaponry. She got it after managing to assemble a rifle blindfolded after much practice in an attempt to impress her parents.'

 

Her weapon of choice is a shotgun. Yet her cutie mark are crossed rifles? Has she even used a rifle, since she assembled it? Wouldn't it make more sense if her cutie mark was a shotgun, seeing as she was 'destined' to use one?

*ding*

 

If she got her cutie mark after completing something that she had been training for, then that defeats the purpose of realizing one's destiny. She should've gotten her cutie mark the moment she decided she was going down this path. The way it is now, it's like an artist just now learning that he wants to be an artist, after painting a masterpiece. 

*ding*

 

 

How old was she when she got her cutie mark? We want details, dammit!

*ding*

 

 

 

 

Personality:

 

 

'Redwood is strong both physically and personality-wise, and tends to take charge of any situation. She can also be aggressive and her morals can be loose. Redwood is stubborn and unwavering, never going down without a fight. Redwood tends to be practical, and would rather find an effective solution regardless of what could be considered "right" or "wrong". She's a bit of a drinker as well. Despite her toughness, a part of her wishes for more meaning in her life than just the violence of her military service and her current lack of focus or goals.'

 

This character just screams 'loose cannon.' Yet she tends to take charge? Sin for whoever lets her take charge in any situation ever, because while she may be a good solider, following an impulsive, stubborn, aggressive leader is a death wish!

*ding*

If she's practical, then why is she also stubborn, aggressive, impulsive, and otherwise impractical? 

*ding*

'Hardened-veteran-is-also-an-alcoholic' cliche.

*ding*

'Hardened-veteran-also-yearns-for-a-simpler-life' cliche.

*ding*

'Hardened-veteran-vaguely-regrets-joining-the-'military'' cliche. This one isn't directly typed, but someone 'tired of the violence of her service' surely regrets signing up.

*ding*

And I'm gonna sin the personality for being way too short.

*ding*

 

 

 

Backstory:

 

 

'Redwood is of Appleoosan descent, and she comes from a military family. At the fresh age of 18, she joined the Equestrian Military, like she had aspired to do since her childhood. After only a few months on active duty, her unit was ambushed, and hours of bloody fighting later, she was the only survivor, although she had taken two bullets to the leg. This incident only hardened her though, and Redwood fought fearlessly and unrelentingly at whatever enemy was thrown at her. Throughout her military career, Redwood gained a reputation for being unbreakable, ruthless, and willing to do anything, such as in one incident where she complied without hesitation to burn down a civilian village on the suspicion that it was hiding enemy troops, or another where she had to carry a wounded soldier under her command for two days through 50 miles of desert. Redwood's time in the military lasted eleven years, reaching the rank of Sergeant First Class. After retiring, she moved to Ponyville to work odd jobs.'

 

 

I think you mean 'Royal Guard,' because as far as I know, Equestria doesn't have a military like the one you're thinking of. But for the sake of connivance, I'll keep using the 'military' noun.

*ding*

 

'Military-family's-offspring-must-follow-in-their-footsteps' cliche.

*ding*

Speaking of which, what kind of sane parent would allow their kid to join the military, if they've seen firsthand how it's basically hell?

*ding*

Who ambushed them? Changelings? Minotaurs? Griffons? And why? You can't just have senseless conflict!

*ding*

 

Somehow, the rookie of two months survives the ambush, despite minimal training, and experience. 

*ding*

 

 

Somehow, the other ponies in the unit--all of which are probably far more trained and experienced then Redwood--die. That entire situation was was the equivalent of four black-belts vs four black-belts, and a white-belt. With the white-belt coming out on top. Just doesn't check out dawg!

*ding*

 

 

'Traumatic-past-involving-the-mass-death-of-friends' cliche.

*ding*

 

 

Rookie of two months doesn't leave after getting a first-hand (hoof?) taste of realism. What kind of sane pony would stay after what she was just through, without at the very least being shaken up?

*ding*

 

 

Twice shot in the leg, not relevant to the backstory...At all.

*ding*

 

 

Redwood never questions her orders, nor does she care. Like a true stereotypical soldier.

*ding*

 

 

'Hardened-veteran-doesn't-feel-emotion' cliche.

*ding*

 

 

Why couldn't they have evacuated the ponies in the village, and then burn it? Wouldn't they catch the 'bad guys' as they tried to leave with the civilians? And if the bad guys didn't even see the fire coming, didn't that mean that a stealth team could've ambushed them?

*ding*

 

 

Redwood traveled 50 miles in two days? On foot? In the desert? Bullshit. Traveling 50 miles within two days isn't that unrealistic, but traveling through the desert in her conditions would take a week, minimum. I demand more realism! And I'm not even accounting whether or not she had enough supplies to sustain herself through that time--AND the pony she was carrying!

*ding*

 

 

My prayers have been answered, with a realistic time-frame in which she became First-Class! Which would basically be a Royal Guard Captain, in Equestria. One sin removed for realism!

*zzing*

 

 

Why Ponyville? Connivance because 99% of everyone else's OC's live there? That'd classify as a cliche.

*ding*

 

 

Why does she need to do odd jobs? Last time I checked, Sargent's get pay from the government for their services. She should be swimming in bits!

*ding*

 

 

 

 

Other:

 

 

'For more action orienteded RPs, Redwood is armed with the Appleoosa Buster, a custom 4-gauge shotgun.

 

If Redwood is in an RP with Dapper Charmer's OC, Hooligan, then she will be married to him and be a mother of two children, an earth pony colt named Cedarwood and unicorn filly named Acaciawood.. (Link to Hooligan here:https://mlpforums.co.../hooligan-r8765 )'

 

Considering her backstory, and personality, wouldn't it make more sense for her to have Appleloosa Buster in ALL RP's?

*ding*

Because OTP, thats why.

*ding*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sin Tally: 27

 

Sentence: 

*drum roll*

Serving an additional 9 years.

[Babyyoshi309 1,829]

Please do mine: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/star-wood-work-in-progress-r9574

 

But do not sin the drawing. I know the drawing is horrible. It was one of my first MLP drawings after all.

[Night Silent 93]

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/night-silent-r9208

Here's mine. Do what you will. =)

[Moonlight 7,286]

Mind doing my friend's OC?

 

this oc tho

[Stormlight 1,371]

I'm curious to see how my OC Stormlight will do. I'll provide his information in the link below:

 

Stormlight:

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/stormlight-r7268

Edited June 13, 2016 by Cryathan

[P-Jay 1,987]

Edit: Are you doing in-universe reviews, or general reviews?

elaborate on that, please. afraid i dont quite understand the question. XD

[Jackie Snack 1,498]

elaborate on that, please. afraid i dont quite understand the question. XD

Well, in universe = relates to the MLP world and it's structure. Like, high school doesn't exist, tech is generally non-existent, so on, so forth. How it is in the show. Cuz if that's the case, I might have a few sins. I used to have a more 'in-universe' profile, but I don't know where it went.

 

I don't mind, I just wanted confirmation.

Edited June 13, 2016 by x0jackie0x

[P-Jay 1,987]

Well, in universe = relates to the MLP world and it's structure. Like, high school doesn't exist, tech is generally non-existent, so on, so forth. How it is in the show. Cuz if that's the case, I might have a few sins. I used to have a more 'in-universe' profile, but I don't know where it went.

 

I don't mind, I just wanted confirmation.

well, we'll be sinning according to in-universe. although, unless its been strictly disproven by canon, then we wont sin someone for going to school. which is a thing in MLP--and considering the cities like Las Pegasus, and Manehatten, i wouldnt be surprised if Highschools existed. as for tech...well...

if things like this exist, then its not out of the question to assume lower tech exists, as well. XD

 

me and Fractured are going to mainly be looking for things that generally dont belong, make no sense, contradicts with something already on the profile, so on and so forth. if something breaks canon, then we'll sin that, as well. 

Edited June 13, 2016 by P-Jay

[Jackie Snack 1,498]

well, we'll be sinning according to in-universe. although, unless its been strictly disproven by canon, then we wont sin someone for going to school. which is a thing in MLP--and considering the cities like Las Pegasus, and Manehatten, i wouldnt be surprised if Highschools existed. as for tech...well...

 

me and Fractured are going to mainly be looking for things that generally dont belong, make no sense, contradicts with something already on the profile, so on and so forth. if something breaks canon, then we'll sin that, as well. 

Gotcha. Do yo' thang, hun. x P

[FullmoonDagger 200]

Roast my OC !

The link is in my Signature !

[Fractured 2,684]

I see things like this as an opportunity for me to recognize what's wrong and improve it, so tell me about my sins. Don't go easy on me.   https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/treble-r8882

Everything. Wrong. With.

 

Treble

 

Cutie Mark:

He is a folk musician, so his cutie mark is two music notes with a red (same as his mane) line weaving through them.

 

'Musical pony has a cutie mark that's a musical note' cliche.' Especially in this instance, where his special talent is folk music, and it seems like a guitar would fit that much better. Regardless!

*ding*

 

 

What's the red line represent? Sin for leaving us out of the loop, dawg. That's just not cool.

*ding*

 

 

 

Personality:

 

He is overly confident, thinks he is way cooler than he actually is, and is very charitable. However, his confident personality is his way of covering up his emotional issues. Even though his childhood was good, he grew up without his father and has emotional scars. He has a drinking problem and has trouble letting others help him.

 

'Character drinks to bury the past' cliche.'

*ding*

 

 

And a two for one! 'Character drinks to bury the past problems suffered as a child' cliche!

*ding*

 

You say he his childhood was good, which is okay. I can roll with that. But then you say he grew up without his father, and has emotional scars. Neither of which signify a happy childhood. Sin for contradiction!

*ding*

 

 

 

Backstory:

 

He grew up in a small rural town. His mother was an Earth Pony and his father was a Pegasus. His father left his family when he was very young, which created emotional scars. When he was 8 years old, he met a traveling musician and fell in love with folk music. He got his first guitar for his 9th birthday. He got his cutie mark when he was 10 years old after writing his first song. Even though the song wasn't very good, it was then that he realized that writing songs is what he wanted to do with his life. When he was 17, he lost a chunk of his right ear in a fight with a Pegasus. When he was 18, he moved to Manehattan to start his music career, and lived there for 5 years, until he decided to move to Ponyville, wanting the small-town feel he grew up with.

 

'Grew up in a small rural town' cliche. Normally I wouldn't sin this, being MLP and all; 8/10's of the world is either small, rural towns, or the big city. But i'm sinning it anyways, mostly because you specifically avoided naming the town, and decided to specifically point to it being small and rural.

*ding*

 

 

'Pony OC has parents from two different races' cliche. Now, normally, this is where i'd knock a sin off, because, despite being a cliche, that shit's awesome; Equestria needs more freedom to love. But, here, it doesn't add anything, and feels a bit forced to say like this. Where's the significance?

*ding*

 

You already said that his father left home, which created emotional scars. Sin for repetition without definition!

*ding*

 

'Pony OC lives/was born into/ moved to Ponyville' cliche.

*ding*

 

 

'Small town character goes to the big city and heads back to the small town right after because (s)he misses the feel' cliche.

*ding*

 

 

And why would any aspiring pony musician choose to leave Manehatten, and head to Ponyville? I'll let Diamond baby take this one:

 

*ding*

 

 

 

 

 

Sin Tally: 11

 

Sentence:

 

'Show not tell' Bonus round! (For all the little things that could be explained upon, but aren't. I want to know more about this character; stop denying me, dammit!)

 

 

(and is very charitable.)

(How?)

+1

 

 

( his confident personality is his way of covering up his emotional issues. )

(What issues?)

+1

 

 

(has emotional scars. )

(What scars?)

+1

 

 

(has a drinking problem.)

(How serious is it?)

+1

 

 

(has trouble letting others help him. )

(Example?)

+1

 

 

(He grew up in a small rural town.)

(What town was it? What was it like?)

+1

 

 

( met a traveling musician and fell in love with folk music. )

(Who was the musician? What made him fall in love?)

+2

 

 

( writing his first song. )

(What song? What was it like?)

+2

 

 

(lost a chunk of his right ear in a fight with a Pegasus.)

(Who's the pegasus? And what was the fight about?)

+4

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sin Tally: 41

 

 

Sentence:

(moved back to the big city.)

(To stay.)

 

[Kronos the Revenant 1,971]

Here, have a crack at this guy:https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/kronos-r9358If anything, this is just more feedback that I'll really need to improve him. Dont be afraid to do your worst, i needz it.

Edited June 13, 2016 by Kronos

[Not Yellow Diamond 925]

 

 

me and Fractured

 

Fractured and I. Also, wall. Also, sin this piece of shit: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/night-tracer-r8284

[El Duderino 879]

 

Everything. Wrong. With.

 

Treble

 

Cutie Mark:

 

He is a folk musician, so his cutie mark is two music notes with a red (same as his mane) line weaving through them.

 

'Musical pony has a cutie mark that's a musical note' cliche.' Especially in this instance, where his special talent is folk music, and it seems like a guitar would fit that much better. Regardless!

*ding*

 

 

What's the red line represent? Sin for leaving us out of the loop, dawg. That's just not cool.

*ding*

 

 

 

Personality:

 

He is overly confident, thinks he is way cooler than he actually is, and is very charitable. However, his confident personality is his way of covering up his emotional issues. Even though his childhood was good, he grew up without his father and has emotional scars. He has a drinking problem and has trouble letting others help him.

 

'Character drinks to bury the past' cliche.'

*ding*

 

 

And a two for one! 'Character drinks to bury the past problems suffered as a child' cliche!

*ding*

 

You say he his childhood was good, which is okay. I can roll with that. But then you say he grew up without his father, and has emotional scars. Neither of which signify a happy childhood. Sin for contradiction!

*ding*

 

 

 

Backstory:

 

He grew up in a small rural town. His mother was an Earth Pony and his father was a Pegasus. His father left his family when he was very young, which created emotional scars. When he was 8 years old, he met a traveling musician and fell in love with folk music. He got his first guitar for his 9th birthday. He got his cutie mark when he was 10 years old after writing his first song. Even though the song wasn't very good, it was then that he realized that writing songs is what he wanted to do with his life. When he was 17, he lost a chunk of his right ear in a fight with a Pegasus. When he was 18, he moved to Manehattan to start his music career, and lived there for 5 years, until he decided to move to Ponyville, wanting the small-town feel he grew up with.

 

'Grew up in a small rural town' cliche. Normally I wouldn't sin this, being MLP and all; 8/10's of the world is either small, rural towns, or the big city. But i'm sinning it anyways, mostly because you specifically avoided naming the town, and decided to specifically point to it being small and rural.

*ding*

 

 

'Pony OC has parents from two different races' cliche. Now, normally, this is where i'd knock a sin off, because, despite being a cliche, that shit's awesome; Equestria needs more freedom to love. But, here, it doesn't add anything, and feels a bit forced to say like this. Where's the significance?

*ding*

 

You already said that his father left home, which created emotional scars. Sin for repetition without definition!

*ding*

 

'Pony OC lives/was born into/ moved to Ponyville' cliche.

*ding*

 

 

'Small town character goes to the big city and heads back to the small town right after because (s)he misses the feel' cliche.

*ding*

 

 

And why would any aspiring pony musician choose to leave Manehatten, and head to Ponyville? I'll let Diamond baby take this one:

Screenshot (707).png

 

*ding*

 

 

 

 

 

Sin Tally: 11

 

Sentence:

 

'Show not tell' Bonus round! (For all the little things that could be explained upon, but aren't. I want to know more about this character; stop denying me, dammit!)

 

 

(and is very charitable.)

(How?)

+1

 

 

( his confident personality is his way of covering up his emotional issues. )

(What issues?)

+1

 

 

(has emotional scars. )

(What scars?)

+1

 

 

(has a drinking problem.)

(How serious is it?)

+1

 

 

(has trouble letting others help him. )

(Example?)

+1

 

 

(He grew up in a small rural town.)

(What town was it? What was it like?)

+1

 

 

( met a traveling musician and fell in love with folk music. )

(Who was the musician? What made him fall in love?)

+2

 

 

( writing his first song. )

(What song? What was it like?)

+2

 

 

(lost a chunk of his right ear in a fight with a Pegasus.)

(Who's the pegasus? And what was the fight about?)

+4

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sin Tally: 41

 

 

Sentence:

(moved back to the big city.)

 

(To stay.)

 

 

 

 

 

Nice. Gave me some stuff to think about.

[4HFan 476]

Has anyone ever seen or heard of CinemaSins? If so, great! If not, its a channel on YouTube that finds every fault, plot-hole, cliche, and mistake made in movies, each wrong-doing counting as a 'sin.'

 

Me, and @Fractured, are offering to do our little parody of CinemaSins, in an Original Character format! We'll review a profile, find everything wrong, to sin the character accordingly. 

 

So, if you're looking for someone to tell you everything wrong with your OC, along with hopefully laughing as you read, then you've come to the right place! 

 

Just submit an OC profile, and we'll get right to it. We'll do our best to get back to you, as soon as we're done.

 

Although, fair warning, we won't be going easy... 

 

So without further ado...Who wants their OC sinned?

Let's see what you guys think of Damien.

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/damien-bolt-prince-of-bravery-r9385

[DubWolf 17,247]

Well here's mine .

 

Handle with care .

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/comet-streak-r6425

[Babyyoshi309 1,829]

There are a million requests and no actual sinning... What is the deal?

 

 

*Edit: Sorry if this comes off kind of rude... 

Edited June 15, 2016 by Babyyoshi309

[Meson Bolt 2,648]

Well, looks like I've joined this group of absolute jerks the OC sin team.

 

Now before I start, I feel the need to mention a few things.

1. I'm an absolute jerk.

With that being said, let's have some fun, shall we?

 

Everything Wrong With Night Silent

(in about the time it takes you to drink a cup of coffee)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Age: 21

 

For once, not a teenager, which would be great if he literally wasn't the minimum legal drinking age. Making your character 21 is basically making your character a teenager, with benefits. *ding*

 

 

 

 

 

Cutie Mark: Night Silent's cutie mark is that of a crescent moon, much like Luna's.

 

Author admits to ripping off a canon character's cutie mark. We didn't even have to catch you red-plotted, you just came out and confessed it. *ding*

 

It means that he performs best at what ever he his doing, at night.

 

Well that's not so much of a "special talent" as it is a powerup, right? Deals 2.0x more damage after sundown... *ding*

 

Plus, even if this was his "talent" somehow, how would this even work? Is he a lonely loner, where he needs to free his mind at night? How would you train for proficiency during night hours? How would you even consider that your special talent? I am surprised at how upset this makes me. *ding*

 

 

 

 

 

Personality: Brave, loyal, mostly keeps to himself, but does converse with friends.

 

When all else fails, grab a bunch of positive traits and slap them together in a sentence. Seriously, this is the equivalent of a "frozen dinner" personality -- no effort required, no substance detected. *ding*

 

Also, if he "mostly keeps to himself", how the heck does he have friends to converse with in the first place? How the heck does he have friends to be loyal to? *ding*

 

 

 

 

 

Backstory: One night, Princess Luna gave birth to a male foal, she named him Night Silent.

 

Woah! Related to royalty, unknown father, and generic name to boot? That's three sins in one there! *ding ding ding*

 

One of Celestia's spies had caught wind of this, and told the solar princess right away.

 

I swear, this author has a chronic condition of throwing the reader in with no context. Jeez, lube me up first... *ding*

 

Also "Celestia's spies"? What kind of timeline are we in here, the Lunar Republic vs Solar Empire alternate reality? I'll assume so just to make sense of the story, but I should not be forced to assume such a major plot point. *ding*

 

The day after Night Silent's birth, Celestia, and a battalion of her army stormed the lunar princess's castle, and attempted to take the young foal, for he had a great power.

 

Why didn't they storm into Luna's castle before Night Silent was born? Heck, why not storm into a castle while Luna was busy with Night's unknown father? What better time is there to storm a castle than while two ponies are banging? *ding*

 

Also, there's a rogue comma trying to backstab Celestia there. You may say "Well, it's just a simple grammar mistake", to which I reply "Exactly why I'm sinning it -- it's so obvious and easy to fix!" Lazy author is lazy. *ding*

 

We learn later that this "great power" is "the power of fear", and by "later" I mean "directly afterwards". *ding*

 

The power of fear.

 

*sigh* Come on... *ding*

 

Before Celestia could take him, Luna gave her son to an earth pony named Ample Harvest, to protect him.

 

See, this is why you should storm the castle before the kid is born! Scar from Lion King, Mother Gothel from Tangled... heck, even Jesus Christ himself! Celestia looks majorly stupid in this backstory. *ding*

 

Also, that's it. We never learn what happens afterwards, how he got his cutie mark, who this "Ample Harvest" is... nope, that's it. End of story. Close book. And f#$% you. *ding*

 

 

 

 

Other: He has the ability to fill one's heart with fear, sending them running for their lives.

 

I don't know what you call it, but whenever I roleplay and my character is supposed to "run for his life" because "his heart was filled with fear" through some "power"... I call that godmodding. *ding*

 

He does this by closing his eyes, and opening them again to reveal completely red eyes.

 

So, his power isn't really the power of fear, he's just able to do some trick with his eyes. I can do that as well by flipping my eyelids inside out, but I don't send people "running for their lives". This power is lame, stupid, misguided, and lame. *ding*

 

 

 

 

 

Total Sin Count: 21

 

 

 

Sentence...

 

Pink Eye

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 15, 2016 by Meson Bolt

[P-Jay 1,987]

Eh, why not? I love a little criticism.

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/jackie-trade-r8265

 

However, some of those videos that do 'sins' and whatnot tend to target stupid stuff (ie, why do cars have eyes). I'm expecting an intelligent review, not something like 'lol how earth pony uses hammer dur'

 

Edit: Are you doing in-universe reviews, or general reviews?

 

Everything. Wrong. With.

 

Jackie Trade.

 

 

 

Name: no sins

Age: no sins

Species: no sins

Appearance: no sins

Cutie Mark: 

 

 

Cutie mark meaning:

Cutie Mark is a white lightning bolt with a hammer and wrench crossed over it. The lightning bolt symbolizes her eagerness to help, while the hammer and wrench symbolize her ability to cover a wide range of skills. Her full mark is a representation of the Jack of all Trades.

 

Talent expanded:

She loves to help others. She practices a wide variety of skills in order to help as many ponies as she possibly can. The downside is that she only has intermediate knowledge in each skill, well below professional status. As a result, she ends up assisting the professionals as extra muscle for their own particular line of work and takes on small to large projects in her free time. These projects can be rather simple, not requiring professional grade knowledge in order to complete.

 

 Jack-of-all-trades, for a cutie mark? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but, shouldn't a cutie mark be the complete OPPOSITE of that? Namely, instead of being kinda good at everything, you excel at ONE thing?

*ding* 

Hammer-and-wrench cutie mark doesn't mean she's good at making things. 

*ding*

70% of the second paragraph belongs in the 'personality' section. Unless 'loving to help' is a talent.

*ding*

 

Personality:

Never seeing a reason to beat around the bush, Jackie can be very direct but feels bad when she hurts somebody’s feelings. Her directness is aided by her lack of shame, her slightly twisted sense of humor and the fact that she can be a tad bit flirty at times, although rare. However, a genuine compliment from a friend or someone closer to her will be enough to make her feel self-conscious. She thinks worrying and pride are a waste of time, even though she's always worried about income. Pride is a pointless feeling to her and she feels it only hinders you. No willpower when it comes to pastries and baked goods, especially honey buns. Food is a fast way to her heart.

She never lies to her friends, as it hurts her to do so. Usually the only reason she will lie to you is if she has been hurt by you or feels that the lie is a necessary means to a favorable end. Luckily, she has rarely been in such a situation.

 

Initially trusting and accepting of others, as she feels that they have no reason to be dishonest with her. However, if you hurt or betray her, it's rare that you will ever earn that trust again. She figures that trust is the best way to help a pony feel comfortable around her. Makes it a point not to judge. She feels that she has enough noticeable flaws and is comfortable with them, and that being judgmental of others would be hypocritical.

 

She's usually pretty content, very easygoing and it usually takes a lot to bring her down. She also possesses a great deal of patience. The only things that outright kill her patience are cockiness, hypocrites and unnecessary/busy work. She also tends to get a little grumpy when she can't eat or sleep when she needs to. It irritates her when she’s treated like she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

 

She has no problem being in front of or speaking to a large crowd, but hates going to parties or clubs, as she does not feel comfortable with the 'party' atmosphere. Would rather enjoy small or intimate get-togethers with friends.

 

She believes friends are important, even though she doesn't have that many. Puts them on the top of her list of priorities, and would do almost anything for them. Though not violent, she is very vengeful and if she finds out that you hurt one of her friends, she will run you down without hesitation.

Someone with a 'twisted sense of humor', and 'shameless' build commonly don't feel bad over what they say, regardless whether or not it hurts someone's feelings. Hell, I'm like that, and I couldn't give less of a sh*t if something I say is offensive. It'd make more sense if she just said 'suck it up, and get back to helping me move these carts.'

*ding*

Contradictory/hypocritical character is contradictory/hypocritical, regarding the worrying.

*ding*

 

 

'Food is the fastest way to friendship' cliche.

*ding*

 

 

She doesn't like to lie...What, would she feel shame, if she did, for no good reason? Would you say she prides herself on her honest streak? And wouldn't someone with a 'twisted sense of humor' lie often, purely to mess with people?

*ding*

 

 

Hey, to be fair, if she blindly trusts people she just met, then...It's kinda her fault, partially, for whatever happens next. Sin for not learning that the world is an unfair place!

*ding*

 

 

If she has a lot of patience, then why do so many things set her off? It sounds to me like one bad day would set her off, if she just met the wrong pony. And I get that, I do, but the fact she can get annoyed at so many things so easily--even if they're things that evreyone would get pissed at--kinda means she doesn't have a great deal of patience. 

*ding*

 

 

'Friends are the most important thing in his/her life' cliche. 

*ding*

 

 

 

 

Backstory:

 

 

Jackie was never a remarkable mare. She had a normal life, a normal family, and never really did anything huge. It took her quite a while to gain her cutie mark, halfway through her teen years. She was always one to offer her assistance when something needed to be done.

 

As a filly, Jackie was a bit of a troublemaker, but found over the years that curiosity more often overrode her childish instincts. Instead of hiding a repair pony's tools, she sat back and watched the process. Instead of trying to distract them, she found herself distracted by the smiles of their clients after whatever was broken became fixed. She wanted that. Sure, her little pranks brought a chuckle or two, but those smiles... she didn't want the praise. She just wanted to see that smile again.

 

It wasn't until she hit her teenage years that she fully realized what she could do to achieve that smile. No more little errands or simple little gifts! No, she could actually do something productive now! But what could she do? Jackie, more grown and more responsible, to an extent, decided to follow in the hoofsteps of other repair ponies. And why not? Something always needed fixing, be it a small appliance or something structural. Of course, she had her slip-ups and mistakes... a wall may have collapsed on her and torn part of her ear off, broken a few ribs...

 

Anyway, working wasn't enough. She needed to learn some actual skills, from a book. Or maybe just work with someone who knew what they were doing. After permission from her parents, Jackie was able to keep in touch with the local repair pony and was allowed to follow him around, even help him out when she felt able to. However, her grades began to decline, so she was restricted to only working with him on the weekends. She got good enough to the point where she could fully help him out, taking on almost half the job. Promising to keep it secret, she got a small cut of the fee he charged. Jackie didn't complain.

 

This went on for a while and the young mare got almost exactly what she asked for. It wasn't until a simple question by one of her friends made her start thinking deeply about her cutie mark. But did it matter? She was doing all of this neat stuff without it. Why did you need a symbol to tell you? Regardless of what she said, it began to nag her and ultimately, her productivity began to dive. Jackie was never one to sweat the small stuff but this had her rattled.

 

After Jackie entered high school, grown tall and lanky, she was pretty much over her lack of a cutie mark. No one bothered her for it and no one cared. At this point, her work could be seen all throughout their small town and it worked out for her. Even still, Jackie grew distant. Call it hormones, call it a phase, but something was keeping her down. The work was getting stale. Everyone expected her to fix things and as such, she was no longer getting the smile that motivated her from the beginning.

 

One day, she asked the repair pony how he did it. How could he stand to do it when no one cared? His simple answer was, 'because no one else would. No one knows the ponies like we do. We can have their work figured out and done before they can finish telling us what's wrong. Being good at your job should only satisfy yourself. Once you figure out why you do it, then you won't ever have to wonder.'

 

The next day, Jackie's father was caught in a carriage accident, one driven by a unicorn, that somehow made it's way onto the sidewalk. He survived, but ended up with one of his hindlegs broken and his back wrenched. He would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. It was a terrible accident but it could've been much worse. Being a unicorn himself, it wouldn't be too difficult for him to continue working but it wasn't until they got home from the hospital that they realized he couldn't get in the house.

 

Jackie only smiled. She didn't blame herself for missing the fact that they needed a ramp. No, she simply recalled what the old stallion said to her just yesterday. She wanted to help. That was all she wanted. Not the skills, not the smiles. Her job was to make sure she could help in anyway she could, be it building, fixing or being there for someone. 

 

So what if she didn't know her cutie mark appeared until later? She was too busy building a ramp, after all.

 

Jump forward a few years. Jackie has graduated high school and is ready to enter the work force! She excited to finally go looking for her own job! She's a grown mare and taking control of her life! Too bad nobody told her the economy went to hell. No matter what she did, she couldn't find a job that took advantage of her wide range of repair skills. Ponies wanted speicialists. They wanted someone who knew how to do only the one things, because they knew more about it. They didn't want to chance wasting money. 

 

Presently, she does oddjobs whenever she can and finds somewhat steady work at construction yards.

(wow, i cant find any sins, except one, in the backstory...Good job. XD)

'Sudden accident to help one realize one's destiny' deus ex machina. 

*ding*

 

 

 

Other:

 

 

Likes:

Helping others

Sweets (honey buns specifically)

Sleeping

Small get-togethers

Reading

Manual Labor

 

Hates:

Unnecessary work

Cockiness

Being hungry

Slow business

Impatient customers

Parties/Clubs

Bad economy

 

Flaws:

Rarely goes out

Lazy attitude

Sick sense of humor

Great at lying

Holds a grudge

Direct

Constantly worried about income

 

Strengths:

Hard to bring down

Easy to get along with

Makes a point not to judge

Will go out of her way to help her friends

 

Fears:

Deep water

Heights

Falling

 

Other:

Isn't very good at handling intimate matters, gets flustered easily when doing so

 

 A 'lazy attitude' completely contradicts the entire character. 

*ding*

Cliche fears.

*ding*

 

Sin count: 13

 Sentence: 

 *drumroll*

Going to collage, to major in something. 

 

Also, sorry, I feel like I did somewhat a bad job this time around. I tried, I really did...XD