Terrible, Terrible Puns

[Planty 1,053]

how do you cut the sea in 1/2?

 

 

With a sea saw!

 

 

oh yeah, that's definatly my worst best joke ! It's kind of short but definatly hit's the nail right on the head

[Marceline 187]

I kind of have one.

My horticulture teacher's last name is Moss. But it doesn't stop there. Her first name is Kelly, a shade of green. Kelly Moss the horticulture teacher.

[Lucky<>Sphere 9]

My friend David just lost his ID... Now we just call him Dav.

 

^That's the best I can do :|

 

Tbh though, I laugh way harder than I should at those puns xD The worse they are, the funnier!

 

Or that's probably just me... '-'

 

*leaves the room*

[Sunny Fox 5,950]

This particular gem comes from a TV show Red Dwarf:

 

Lister: Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat. They wanted to see the world, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down.

Rimmer: Is this true?

Lister: Yeah. The last thing I heard, they sort of... robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see.

Rimmer: Really?

Lister: Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was alright and all that, that the shoes were happy and that they'd gone to heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have 'soles'.

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

You know the pony across the street, so talkative with the monotonous voice? He's one of my most terrible neigh-bores.

oh yeah, that's definatly my worst best joke ! It's kind of short but definatly hit's the nail right on the head

I should hammer you on the head for those misspellings, but screw grammar nazism - I'll just tool-erate them.

[Krystal 1,468]

I've been to the dentist a thousand times. I really know the drill by now.

 

I didn't make that up. It's a line from a song by Owl City. I love Owl City.

[Springbreeze 10]

Well, my username on YouTube is NoPunchIntended...

 

I know a lot more in Dutch, since English isn't my first language. But I really like (bad) puns... Alice in Wonderland has some good ones!

 

"When we were little... we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle - we used to call him Tortoise."

"Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?" Alice asked.

"We called him Tortoise because he taught us."

Edited September 10, 2012 by Springbreeze

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

The newness of the post above mine feels refreshing like a Springbreeze.

, this is watt we should all try to do - find puns dot haven't been posted yet.

 

-Update-

 

Apple created a cider simulator game for the iPad. It's the Jackle app.

Authentic: I prepared my very own pizza recipe this afternoon. You can't top that.

 

-Edit-

Airi's signature: "Spank you very much."

<333

 

-bump-

 

My room looks like it was wrecked by a singularity. But I won't clean up until it reaches critical mess.

 

Not for the faint of heart:

What did the US army say to Iraq for the terrorist attacks? - "Tank you."

 

-AGAIN-

 

Do you know why a kilt is called like that? Cuz so many people got kilt for calling it a "skirt".

Furries, especially cats and foxes, live in the United States of Amurrica.

The button that enables Japanese uppercase letters is the Japs Lock.

Someone who's feeling "excited"... in an inappropriate way... will visit the Netherlands.

Edited September 11, 2012 by Feather Spiral

[Nothing&NoOne 695]

I mustache you a question...but I'll shave it for later.

 

If that's been used I'm sorry. xD

 

Sticks float. They would.

 

No matter how attractive you may find him/her, never ask a photographer to step into a dark room and see what develops. The answer is almost always in the negative. (Yes, it's a bad pun--enough to make you shutter.)

[Artemisia 166]

What is the agricultural apocalypse called? Farmaggedon.

 

Breaking news, a giant sea mammal has attack the city, witnesses and victims were heard shouting oh the huge manatee (humanity)

[The Ultimate Brony 35]

Here's one I got from my friend:

Two atoms are walking down the street. One suddenly stops and is panicking.

“Oh my god OH MY GOD!!!”

The second says “Whats wrong?”

First one replies “I think I lost an electron!!”

“Are you sure?!?”

“I’M POSITIVE!”

 

And another:

 

And a lot more:

• How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
• What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef!
• How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
• How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.
• How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
• What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
• What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
• What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick.
• What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese.
• What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
• What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
• What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
• What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.
• What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
• Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
• Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
• Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
• What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
• What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
• Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
• What’s The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
• How Are A Texas Tornado And A Iowa Divorce The Same? Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer…..

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

A hip-hop musician ambushed by a tyrannosaur laments: "It was a T-rap!"

 

Also, who's the guy rapping about

...how grape his vineyard is? - Lil Wiyne.

...how sour the other's milk is? - Lil Wheyn.

...how beautiful his carved pumpkin is? - Lil 'Ween.

...how knowledgeable he is about the sea? - Lil Whale.

...how sad he was as a kid? - Lil Wail.

Edited September 17, 2012 by Feather Spiral

[Master Chief 183]

I could type every single bad pun I've ever heard, but instead I'll just tell you guys to watch some Chuggaaconroy videos. Then you'll know the definition of "Bad Pun". Edited September 17, 2012 by Master Chief

[Driz 1,552]

I just heard this one and I needed to post it somewhere before I forgot. Okay, ready? Here it goes:

 

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

 

Bison.

 

My job here is done.

[Cranium Tyranus 216]

Me and my friends play street fighter a bunch, the following is what happens when you stay up all night trying to find the perfect pun.

 

What's Fei Longs' favorite drink? WahTah (water)

 

What does Ryu say to Ken when they see each other on the street? How-areyou-ken!

 

For when you use Blanka: I'm having a BALL!(use spin attack.) [when fighting an evil character] I'm gonna take...(forward grab) a BITE out of crime! (win by shocking the opponent) hope that didn't come as too much of a SHOCK to you! (my friends are idiots... Luckily I'm a moron.)

 

What.... What have I done?!

[Opalicious 799]

When a whale dies, all the other whales sing a song...

It goes "Whale meat again...."

 

If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

[Sunny Fox 5,950]

Some scientist say that a new tectonic plate boundry is being created near Sumatra - guess that makes that seafloor explosive?

 

I haven't decided whether or not to cut my hair - I'll have to mullet over. My stylist used to be a movie director - he used to shout to his crew, "Cut"!

Edited September 27, 2012 by Full Spectrum

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

When talking about horseback-riding, a friend of mine would constantly bring up Star Wars, knowing how annoying it was. Guess he was just tauntaun me.

A phone is driving, when it receives a call and has an accident. Guess you can't ring and drive.

A diehard Dash fan got her hair dyed in rainbow pattern. It's a perfectly hue-mane thing.

A manatee sees a t-shirt with a design it likes, and shouts: "Man, a tee!"

Astronauts tend to space out when off the job.

 

What do you say to a taxi driver who makes an excellent argument? Fare enough.

What happened to my thread about your favorite food? - A mod, er, ate it.

What do lizards read to stay informed? A newtspaper.

[Retro*Derpy 3,181]

Did you hear the one about the man who dreamed he was a muffler on a car, and then that he was part of the wheel?

He woke up exhausted and tired.

 

Frog parking only! All others will be toad.

 

Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"

 

To avoid that run-down feeling, look both ways next time.

Just to name a few

[Sunny Fox 5,950]

Kids who won't grow up are a J.M.Barrie-sment.

I suddenly noticed Peter Pan standing right behind me, and wondered, "Wendy get here?"

[Arcus (Silver Lining) Wind 983]

Did you hear about the man who lost his left side?

He's all right now.

 

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

 

I tryed being a gold prospector, but it didn't pan out.

[Toothless the Night Fury 260]

 

Knock yourself out. There's a whole load of them in this video. XD

 

Stop your wining, and suck it up. -Pulls out a wine bottle, then drops a straw in it.- XD

[Sunny Fox 5,950]

Why did the pokémon Struggle to battle after he went to the bathroom? Because he had no PP left.

I poured spot remover on my dog, and now I can't find him! (Okay, so that was Pinkie's joke, but it's still funny.)

Edited October 22, 2012 by Full Spectrum

[ErBoi 501]

25 pages? Well, I hope this one hasn't been posted:

I submitted ten puns into a pun contest hoping one would win. But no pun in ten did.

 

Alright, I'm off to look at the rest of the thread because I always find bad puns hilarious at 2 AM.

[Moon Rat 4,772]

my dad works at the Metro Reddy Ice company distributing ice to the local (and not so local) stores/gas stations so you can imagine he hears a lot of people telling him "have an ice day" or "you have a cool job"

 

You can also imagine how annoyed he gets from constantly hearing that ALL DAY :/