OC reviews from me. (CLOSED)

[Lektra Bolt 2,337]

Alright, I’ll start this off with the design. I’m just come out and say that I’m not a fan of the gray bolts on her coat, and the gray parts in her mane. They look very out of place, and I’d suggest replacing them with the shades of yellow you used for each respective part.My next complaint are the metal wings. Now, I’m fine with her having mechanical wings; it makes sense for her cutie mark, but the design of the wings could do without the green lines. They don’t go with the rest of the established color scheme, and I don’t see a point in having them from an aesthetic standpoint.

 

Grade: B-

Yea sounds like Blue didn't get the reason for my character's coloring either.

 

It's supposed to look like when a character gets struck by lightning comically and you can see their skeleton, then they look burned and smoking. I figured what if some of the burns stayed? You aren't really supposed to walk away from that unscathed. This is what I came up with. As for the wing lines, those are pretty much Sparky's guts exposed. They're mana circuits, and my own personal headcanon that mana is colored green.

 

The reason for how she got her CM is because everyone in the family has gotten hit by lightning and their family trait got brought out by it. In her case her talent is her metal enchanting, and the lightning also activated her family's trait of lightning based magic. I should probably explain that part better though.

 

I was expecting a bit higher on the rating, but she does have some faults so meh.

 

I respect your opinion and have been thinking about these things since reading the review. She's always a WIP really, but there's usually a lot of time between revisions nowadays. Now I wish I had time to get back to my review thread. It's on my to-do list, though.

Edited April 27, 2015 by bronislav84

[~Sole~ 852]

Thanks for the review, Blue. I actually wasn't expecting such a positive opinion. oh, and about Sole's fur color. it may be solid black in his profile picture, but his fur has officially been ash-grey for a while now. No go with the hat though, i made it the design and color it is as a homage to one of my favorite fictional characters.

[AmberDust 1,116]

Thank you for the review. I'm glad you liked her personality as much as you did.

I had a LOT of trouble with the colour scheme, so any help or suggestions would be really appreciated. I even made up a thread for it: http://mlpforums.com/topic/125934-colours-colours-colours/?view=getnewpost

[Denim&Venöm 16,589]

OC: Silhouette Dusk  Owner: Denim&Venom   Alright, design first. I really don’t like Silhouette’s design. Black and red alicorns rarely go well together, and yours is no exception. Gradients are generally a bad idea, and you don’t want to have a bunch of dark colors. It’s just not appealing to look at. The necklace also looks too large, and looks odd.   Now for the personality. There really isn’t a whole lot here. Most of the stuff you put for personality would fit better as backstory, which leaves just being scholarly, like Twilight Sparkle. Now, this is not enough for a full-fledged personality, and just feels like a knockoff Twilight Sparkle. I’d suggest thinking of more traits that would go well with what you aiming for with your OC, and try to keep it unique.   While your backstory has a lot of details, there are also a lot of errors such as when did Sombra and Discord ever rule together. I’d suggest sticking to established My Little Pony canon. Speaking of canon, I’m not a fan of fanmade characters having authority on a large scale, especially with alicorns.   Overall, this OC needs a lot of work in all aspects.   Grade: F+

 

I know. I've been getting this response a few times now. Thankfully I've been able to make a few updates since.

 

I was going for a dark grey & red motif w/ silver and red mane/tail. It's not so much that the design is too common, or the perfect description of 'edgy' but more so that I wanted a look that was opposed to that of Celestia. That is one of the main reasons she was made, to be Celesta's opposite in the way Nightmare Moon wasn't. NMM had a working look, but her personality was so stereotypical jealous ego maniac. Dusk is supposed to be Celestia's ideological opposite, a Magneto to her Charles Xavier and she should look the part. She won't carry that weight in appearance if she looks like a regular cast member. Though I am seeing your point w/ the gradient stocking pattern. I'll just say she has a thing for socks. Don't see enough ponies wearing them. Maybe this will look better:

 

 

 

 

 

 

And for the "necklace", I was actually trying to go for the alicorn amulet. The story is she's the one who made it and it's her power fueling it, making it in the image of the old Equestrian national emplem. 

 

 Furthermore her powers weren't added on for Mary Sue-ness, but because she is supposed to be a threat, a pony that pushes the sisters out of their comfort zone. How can she if she isn't godlike herself? Thus also the alicorn requirement, that Luna & Celestia have to fight a fellow alicorn, one that isn't possessed by dark magic. 

 

You may have misunderstood during the backstory, but Discord & Sombra never ruled at the same time or together. Sombra came first. Took away the crystal empire. The void left behind caused the conflict between the tribes. They all moved south. Discovered Dusk's Equestria. She couldn't help them for long.  It was all that chaos that drew discord to power in the surrounding lands. Also her being frozen (and I meant literally frozen) is a good way to introduce her, and having the crystal empire be the thing that breaks her out would be very poetic. The place she was born, started her downfall. The place that started her downfall, is what brings her back to life. 

 

I get your criticism for Dusk being a Twi clone. That was supposed to be herself before the fall of the crystal empire.  It probably would be better to focus on her current mindset. An intellectual w/ loads of charisma & passion. Part revolutionary, part cult leader. Like a mashup of William Wallace (Brave-heart), Pancho Villa (Mexican revolution) & Guy Fawkes (inspired V for vendetta). She's rallying her nation's descendants to war against Celestia, painting her as an enemy occupier and Equestria an annexed nation. In her mind, the sisters are manipulators taking credit for their ancestors work, while the rest of Equestria's populace are kept in the dark. 

 

In a way, she's an anti-villain, or a well intentioned extremist. She's the type of foe who thinks she's the good guy and you're the bad guy. Her pride, stubborn nature, workaholic mentality, idealized patriotism for the old Equestria and a selfless dedication to her subjects keep her from admitting defeat, thus driving her subjects to feel the same, even to a fanatical extent. All of them would rather die fighting Celestia than live under her rule, regardless of how benevolent. She see's herself a freedom fighter. Everypony else, namely the royal sisters, see a terrorist.  

 

She would like to have a kinship with Twi, seeing some of herself in the young alicorn as a fellow scholar, intellectual and patriot of Equestria. At the same time, she still sees her as Celestia's pet, a naive adolescent who didn't earn her ascension and a pony who puts peace and friendship over justice and devotion to one's subjects. In short, a woefully under prepared pony with potential, who could use proper guidance. 

 

And my goal is to not only stick to cannon, but expand upon it. We know little of the time before the sisters. Why not fill that with an entirely new history?

 

I'm also toying with the idea that she may have been a student of Celestia thousands of years ago, the first she helped to ascend, only to regret it when she perceived Dusk as becoming cold, heartless and abusive in her power. Hence why she was so hesitant with Sunset Shimmer, and so careful with Twilight Sparkle. And why Dusk felt betrayed, viewing Celestia as a hypocrite & opportunist. Dusk builds an empire. Defends it as she sees fit, only for Celestia to rally the tribes that tried to invade earlier and take her empire for herself under the false pretense of "stopping tyranny".

 

All in all, I want a pony that opposes celestia, but not in a good guy/bad guy way. Both sides think they're good and the other evil. Both pursuing the same goal of securing Equestria's safety and happiness, but though opposing means. She needs to look the part and be powerful enough to play the part. And I want her to be a threat that hits close to home for Celestia and Luna. A threat that comes not from a greedy demonic entity, but a fellow pony rallying their subjects against them, causing a rift within Equestria, and they can't understand why when they've been working to do the right thing the entire time. It's to show what lengths good ponies will go to in order to stop what they perceive to be a grave threat, and how that might make them into the monsters they believe to be fighting.

 

How would you suggest I accomplish these goals with Dusk? What backstory would work? What personality would fit without turning her to a moral antagonist? How does she oppose the sisters without being an alicorn or godlike? What would be a good look for someone to rival the whole regal fairy tale princess look?

[Blue Moon 6,336]

 

~snip~

 

Well, I'm just not really a fan of expanding upon canon in such a radical manner, but I do have some ideas that may work. For one, if you want someone to oppose Celestia, I'd say look at Starlight Glimmer for ideas. She's a normal unicorn, both in appearance and abilities, but she's still able to accomplish her goals, which do go against what the Princesses would want.

 

I'd say instead of giving her so much power and a backstory under Celestia, try to come up with a different motive that doesn't involve separate kingdoms and rulers, and make her more of a vigilante with ordinary powers from whatever species you decide to go with (you don't need Alicorn). You don't need to have great power; make her use her wits mostly with just a little bit of extra power. Not Alicorn level though.

 

As for design, I'd say ditch the whole thing (including the amulet), and just go with a brown color for the coat, a tan/blonde color for the mane, and a charcoal colored cloak. That'd look cool without having to use a black and red color scheme.

[Charcoal Embers 169]

 

OC: Charcoal Embers Owner: Charcoal Embers Alright, design first. Now, for this OC, I am conflicted. The image supplied on the character’s page doesn’t make the red and black color scheme look good, but the one in your avatar does. Perhaps it would be best to incorporate the clothing in the avatar to her? One of the few instances where clothing would improve an OC’s look. Anyway, the color scheme goes well with the yellow clothing, so I’d definitely suggest incorporating that. If not, scrap this color scheme. Red and black seldom ever go well together, and the yellow clothing makes your OC a rare case. I also think that the cutie mark should be changed to a more reddish color. Blue clashes a bit with the rest of the color scheme. As for the personality, I find it to be a bit shallow. Shy and takes some time to get to know others is an extremely common trait, and should always be paired with other traits. If Charcoal’s a skilled builder (unique choice, by the way. We don’t have enough builder OCs out there), shouldn’t that offer some ideas for traits? Try to think of traits good workers would have an incorporate those. Wow, her parents seem like jerks. I personally don’t think you should incorporate her parent’s almost throwing her out of disgust. We already know she was made fun of; including her parents doesn’t add anything. I do like that they decide to wait for advancements in magic, reminds me of the real world and medicine. The next paragraph is one where I have a bunch of problems. I have never known anyone who was hated on by absolutely everyone for something out of their control. It’s just not believable. I get that you’re trying to make your audience care for your character, but there are better ways of doing it. At this point in the backstory, we’ve heard nothing positive about Charcoal, so it’s hard to care about her, which makes all this abuse of her seem overly tragic. However, you do need a motive for Charcoal to run away. So, to do this, I’d suggest limiting the amount of the people who bully her (including her parents; if you’re going to make them jerks, at least limit it to one parent only), but make the ones that do a tad more cruel. It’s also important to mention others that are kind to her, and try to come up with some good traits to shine on her. If done well, she should be too upset to pay any mind to the kinder ponies, and she still has a reason to run away. Anyway, the backstory is good the moment she gets to Ponyville and stays that way, so I don’t think there’s anything that needs to be changed there. Just fix the first half. Overall, Charcoal has a pretty good design, a shallow personality, and an overly tragic first half for the backstory. Grade: C+

 

Wow... has it been that long? I don't remember when I last updated Charcoal on here, but wow... it's been forever since I asked for a review. XD

Sorry for the double post, but yeah. I do need to update Charcoal a bit. I put too much shyness into her. XC And even a friend of mine said that the shyness can get in the way. So I need to refresh that part of her a bit. And how would you suggest that I fix her backstory?

[Blue Moon 6,336]

Wow... has it been that long? I don't remember when I last updated Charcoal on here, but wow... it's been forever since I asked for a review. XD

Sorry for the double post, but yeah. I do need to update Charcoal a bit. I put too much shyness into her. XC And even a friend of mine said that the shyness can get in the way. So I need to refresh that part of her a bit. And how would you suggest that I fix her backstory?

Yup.

 

I'd just tone down on being overly cruel to Charcoal, and figure out a more believable motive for her to go to Ponyville.

[Charcoal Embers 169]

Yup.

 

I'd just tone down on being overly cruel to Charcoal, and figure out a more believable motive for her to go to Ponyville.

Believable motive? As in for why she chose to go there specifically or why she chose to run away?

[Blue Moon 6,336]

Believable motive? As in for why she chose to go there specifically or why she chose to run away?

Why she chose to run away (you already mentioned why she chose to go there specifically). Currently, her motive for leaving is because of how badly she was treated by everyone she knew, which isn't very believable to me. I've never known one person who was hated on such a large scale.

[Charcoal Embers 169]

Why she chose to run away (you already mentioned why she chose to go there specifically). Currently, her motive for leaving is because of how badly she was treated by everyone she knew, which isn't very believable to me. I've never known one person who was hated on such a large scale.

You might need to go into more detail as to why you don't find it believeable. BEcause I don't quite see why. 

[Blue Moon 6,336]

You might need to go into more detail as to why you don't find it believeable. BEcause I don't quite see why. 

Alright. The reason I don't find it believable is because I've never known anyone who was hated by absolutely everyone. It is extremely unlikely, and while some people can be that cruel; there's almost always at least someone who's a decent person. And at least one parent is usually loving towards their kids, so seeing two parents treat their kid like that in a place like Equestria doesn't seem plausible to me.

 

Now, her mistreatment is what led to her running away to Ponyville. However, I don't think the circumstances of her mistreatment are very likely, especially in a place like Equestria. Hence, I don't find her motive believable.

[Charcoal Embers 169]

Alright. The reason I don't find it believable is because I've never known anyone who was hated by absolutely everyone. It is extremely unlikely, and while some people can be that cruel; there's almost always at least someone who's a decent person. And at least one parent is usually loving towards their kids, so seeing two parents treat their kid like that in a place like Equestria doesn't seem plausible to me.

 

Now, her mistreatment is what led to her running away to Ponyville. However, I don't think the circumstances of her mistreatment are very likely, especially in a place like Equestria. Hence, I don't find her motive believable.

Oh! I get it now. From an Equestrian standpoint, yeah,I get where you are coming from. XD But admittendly, if I was going for a completely Equestrian character I will admit, it wouldn't be this Character. XD

[Will Guide 21,325]

OC: Will Guide  Owner: WiiGuy2014

 

Alright, design first. I’m not a huge of fan of this design to be honest. The colors chosen are all oversaturated (except for the hair), and brown hair is very hard to get right. I’d suggest changing the shade of red in the coat to a more brick-y color to go with the hair, and do away with the yellow exposed fetlocks. Exposed fetlocks are canonically reserved for heavier set ponies, and yours is just tall (speaking of height, Will could stand to lose a foot or two. His height looks unnatural with how skinny he is). Plus, the yellow isn’t helping anything in the design.

 

Now for the cutie mark and glasses. The cutie mark is way too complex; a simple book would do just fine, and I’m not a fan of Earth elements such as Disney being included. As for the glasses, their white color looks odd compared to the rest of the color scheme, so I’d opt for either black or dark crimson.

 

Now for the personality. There’s not too much here, and you haven’t really given much to make it easy to suggest traits for him. However, I would do away with the coming from the Earth part of his story. I really don’t like that, as Earth isn’t even canon in the My Little Pony universe yet, and neither is Disney. I’d suggest just making up a company similar to Disney that resides in Equestria.

 

Anyway, just try to brainstorm a couple of traits. Hopeful and not wanting Equestria to end up in trouble isn’t the most complex nor interesting personality, and could use some work.

 

Finally, the backstory. As I stated before, I am not a fan of the whole Disney or Earth aspects of your OC, and I’m definitely not a fan of human coming to the Equestria and becoming his own element. This does not fit in canon, and neither do Disney villains. I’d suggest redoing this character completely to fit in more with existing canon. Remove the coming from Earth aspect, and just come up with a Equestria counterpart to Disney.

 

Overall, Will’s design needs some work, the personality is shallow, and the backstory should be redone.

 

Grade: D-

 

Yeah, in the Canon, he wouldn't work. I pictured him existing in an alternative continuity outside the official canon.  He may not work in canon, but he has potential in my head fanon. Regardless, it was worth the wait, And although the grade was lower than I expected, I say your ranking was fair, seeing that your rating was based on personal opinion. Thanks for sharing your opinion.

[AmberDust 1,116]

Yeah, in the Canon, he wouldn't work. I pictured him existing in an alternative continuity outside the official canon. He may not work in canon, but he has potential in my head fanon. Regardless, it was worth the wait, And although the grade was lower than I expected, I say your ranking was fair, seeing that your rating was based on personal opinion. Thanks for sharing your opinion.

(If its an mlp OC, I think it can be assumed that he was going to rate its worth based on how it fits in the mlp world.)

[Astral Blitzen 469]

Overall, Astral Blitzen has a nice design and personality that just need some refinement, but the backstory is a little lacking.

 

Grade: B-

 

I understand, I am just having a writers block with the backstory and really haven't gotten to making a decent character profile for her

 

Overall, Astral Blitzen has a nice design and personality that just need some refinement, but the backstory is a little lacking.

 

Grade: B-

 

I understand, I am just having a writers block with the backstory and really haven't gotten to making a decent character profile for her

 

 

And the dark shade she has around her eyes is from a lack a sleep because she has bad insomnia.