They call me Loyalty

In my own imagination.

Oatmeal. Just oatmeal.

Belligerent and truculent customers, almost militant to the point of being injurious in an scurrilous way. I mispronounced a single word, and this grossly overweight lady at retail started treating me like a dislexic inbred freak, belittling and deriding my person with all manner of shameless libel. Which she was right about. But still. Very uncalled for. And this is the reason I generally avoid social interaction. Especially when the self-hatred starts building up to the point I really want to hurt someone in a crippling fashion.

It is a partially clouded night. The temperature here on mendoza is around 27 °C.

I used to be one. But that was before the age of internet depraved me from my magic powers, by educating the superstitious about my hexes and hoaxes. In this occasion, I just looked at the image for recognizable tags, and then proceeded to type those on a site which is know for storing most MLP related art.

Great. Thanks for asking. I w0ke up early in the morn... "Eaaaarly in the mooorning!!!" I love that song. You know, the one from the game Dishonored. I cannot stop myself from singing it, whenever someone says the "word". Really, the steampunk city. The mystical atmosphere. If only magic was real. So, I had lunch. Then checked social media, talked with a good friend of mine who loves to train. "Choooo, chooo!" Did some exercise after his advice, and looked up some information on foods to combat oxidative stress. Played with the house cat because the owner was out buying cinnamon rolls, and the cute ball of fur was sad about it. So, I scratched his belly until he sat there on my bed with a complacent look. Dude, that cat lives like a king. And now I am here, daydreaming about the resolution of a legal matter between my family. And then getting a proper gaming rig, so I can play the sequel. Video games are my magic. In a way. This is a form of magic, too. We are looking into a portal to see our thoughts and ideas translated into code and presented in a readable pattern. You sometimes take these for granted. I hope you had a great day, too.

It must be something about my ghoulish appearance. Or the fact that some people look at me and advert their eyes with sadness. It is a family thing. Weakness, low self-esteem, self-abandonment, jealousy and covetousness.

It is from a comic and the artist is called "Cold-Blooded-Twilight". Go to derpibooru and write on the search tab "fluttershy, sweat, flowers" without the quotations.

I was educated in both private and public schools. The first was miltary, the second was a public establishment, and the third was a religious school. My performance was generally poor due to ADHD. Often failing assigments and then having to take exams for each subject in summer, or repeat the whole year. I applied myself to pass, but the next year it was the same all over again. Much like the rest of my family, I had problems concentrating in school. I was constantly becoming self-absorbed or dissociated, and some teachers hated me for it. The latest generation of this family has squandered their education in general.

It is impossible to love those who do not love themselves. Especially when you have been neglected, because your mother does not love herself to begin with. In other words. What is left from my family are weak, resentful and selfish people. And I am not any different. For example, my mother is someone who is extremely rigid and stoic, because she is unable to accept her own inferiority, therefore projecting prejudice and enforcing rules onto others to make herself feel better. So, whenever faced with reality, she starts to criticize and demean others in order to avoid the truth. Her life revolves around excuses and lies she tells herself to avoid responsibility, as well as grandiose projects, detachment and dissociation. And it is not different with me, since I also learned these "coping" mechanisms and anti-social behaviours from them. Meanwhile, my uncle is much kinder. But they still mistreated and abandoned their father when the old man was too feeble to take care of himself. All that hatred was a projection. Though, to be honest. I don't think I could have done much better under that same situation. I would probably have reacted with paralysis and dissociation, followed by guilt. It was a very stressful situation to see them go erratic and violent when my grandfather started becoming demented and suicidal. But this explains so much about the self-destructive nature of this family, including my own. Self-hatred, aggression, volatility, anti-social behaviour, stagnancy, narcissism, shame, fear. It is interesting to look at the bare truth for once. And I confront them with it, from time to time. It is enjoyable to see them freak out like a malfunctioning robot unable to process the painful truth. To see the stress levels going up, the nervous and erratic speech, the avoidant behaviour. The excuses. To see the facade come undone. C'mon. Let's burn together for once. Because that is what I do with myself for the most part. I convert the pain into suffering. Which my mother never does. She never cries. Instead, she chooses to emotionally abuse others, like she does with my uncle. My mother turns the pain into a subltle form of violence, because she is too weak to physically hurt others anymore. Still, she is always been emotionally manipulative and controlling. Not a bad person. Just troubled. But no. I don't think this family can really love themselves to begin with. And I may be the worst one in that regard. Because at least, they had mature, responsible and functional parents, while I had them. Not that it would have made much difference. Since this developmental condition is genetic.

Probably. And it is unfortunate, because a part of me wants to find a nice girl and have a normal family, because that is life. But I have problems. And those problems will be passed onto my kids. Also, there is no guarantee I will be a good father either. Just like my father who left us. I actually have no idea of how a normal family is like. Not that I wouldn't do the same as he did, by the way. After all, raising a family takes responsibility, maturity and work. None of which I could see myself being good at. Because I am a little bit of a freak to begin with. Also, I have the feeling I may not have much time left. But who knows, really.

A thoughtful action..

Orange and Purple. Which is weird because orange is a color that is too energetic on its own. But when combined with purple. I actually like it a lot more.

Of Monsters And Men / Little Talks

Staying at home and having pizza. You can slice an onion and fry it with a little salt and oregano, and then you distribute it all over before adding the tomato sauce and the cheese. Mmmm... amazing. It turns one of those soulless pre-pizzas where the dough has no consistency whatsoever, into something actually palatable.

32 years old. Mentally, it is hard to say.

Well, last night I started hitting the side of my arm against a wall, then picked up a broom and snapped it against the bathtub before smashing the sink in half with it. I don't know what is going on with me. But I remember being like this since childhood. And I have tried to tell the people I am living with about my "condition", especifically about my emotionally manipulative tendencies, my anger issues, etc. Because I am sick and tired of myself. But they don't wanna lose hope, which makes me feel even worse. Yet it doesn't fix the schizm or the self-hatred. And sometimes I like to pretend it is an act. But when I look in the mirror, the genetic defects are visible in my physical appearance. Which is what prompted this violent outburts to begin with, as it was the case with my father. There is damage present in the chromosomes of this family. Causing various disorders, among which there are these erratic swings between the autistic self-abandonment and the psychotic episodes. As I saw it happening with other family members. It is hereditary. If I had to describe the feeling. I would say it is an state of chronic anxiety causing a stress disorder because of various bodily discompensations. So, you are constantly looking for the next high. Which explains why I consumed so much sugar as a kid, or the reason I spent 24 hours playing video games. Because otherwise, my mind starts to collapse, leading to dissociation or even a mental break. The problem is that my family never wanted to aknowledge this, or even do therapy. Not that this would fix the genetic damage or change the truth. Since there is only one truth. But I'm feeling a little better after remodeling the bathroom. Heh. Now it looks like I feel inside.

Sometimes I can sleep well, while other times it feels like I am drowning. It depends.

Hey, dude. How's it going? Welcome to the forums.

Why did it take you so long? I've been waiting here on my lonesome. I missed you. Come here, let me touch you and welcome you to this lovely family. Do not mind the eventual tumbleweed, I have given a name to each one of them. This one here is called Martin. Say hi, Martin. He's not very talktative. Unlike Jerry, that son of a *****. Oh, there he goes again. Running with the wind. Such a carefree soul. You know, in a way. Some of us are like tumbleweeds, a feeble shrub in a cruel and harsh environment we cannot understand because of our own impossibility to become something greater. And so, we cannot be free... until we die. Isn't that beautifully sad? Now, run along with the children of the wind. Run free. But before that, let me touch you a little more. There, now go. Go!

I have a Samsung E330.

Uwoo-uwooo-wooo-uwooo. Thunder! I imagine myself like an erratic electric current zip-zip-zapping around.

Riches. True love requires responsibility, maturity and commitment. It is a journey with beautiful sights but also difficult shallows and spooky forests full of sexy monsters. And I am none of that. Neither mature nor sexy. But money can buy another kind of happiness. My god. If that ****ing lawsuit comes to an end. I can finally get a sexy gaming pc and intern myself to play video games all day. I just want to fulfil my childhood dream. Since my mental age never got past that point, really. Oh, sweet child... I have a list of AAA games I want play since 2015. And I've been waiting for this legal dispute between "family" since 2011. Because that's what family does to you. They make up false allegations against my grandfather to isolate my great grandmother, and then drug an old and frail woman to make her sign a contract, and steal my family inheritance. That's love for you. So, please. Just let me get that sweet doe at last. Just so I can play video games. That's all. That is my dream. Because when my family was crap. All I remember is this feeling when my uncle got the first alone in the dark with a collection of other games. And I remember being the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was able to escape my shitty family situation that was due to a neglectful mother and a missing father who were never ready to have a child. Once again, because of love. And that child is still here. As it is the case with my mother or my uncle, who are also traumatized, and therefore childish. The whole family is full of hurting greedy children in adult's bodies.

Nothing. When I was going to college, studying for university, and doing martial arts, my family didn't seem to give a damn. My home life was a mess. I would return to see the house being a sunken dumpster full of garbage up to my knees. My grandfather was generally out because he was sick and tired of having to financially support his useless son and daughter, both of which have some psychological problems. One of them being my mother and the other my uncle. Who are not bad people, but are the kind of person that no matter how much you invest in them, they will always disappoint you. Like they did with their paid education, or their father when they stuck him in the lower floor to die. Way to reward the man who was still working to sustain them with seventy two years old. The thing with this family is that there are some pretty messed up genes and chromosomal defects in the mix, which makes for some unstable, problematic and resentful people. And I was there, after having falling out of college, listening to my mother yelling to a delusional and sucidal old man because she thought he was plotting against her. So, that was the day I decided to follow their example. Just give up and hope for the best. No point in trying. Just embrace the insanity. Which is fine, because I was always a little messed up in the head. Being the one who encouraged my mother to go argue with my grandfather, because I was sick and tired of listening to her delusional talk. Luckily, we inherited some real estate from our family, which helped us survive in the long run. But without it, I would probably be on the streets. There is no future for this family. My mother believes in interdimensional beings, and my uncle wants to fight against society by being... jobless, despite being a 50 year old year old adult who consumes services without actually contributing to soeciety. They have no idea how this world works. And me, well. I don't want a family of my own after seeing how this family went down. So, I am living it up, while the living is good. Just as they taught me with their actions, which they are unwilling to recognize to this very day, dismissing every mistake and pretending it never happened. But yeah. Real estate. Which is perfect for social parasites like me and my family.

Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box