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They call me Loyalty

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  1. They call me Loyalty
    Not me. My voice is soft. It sounds like an adolescent. Which is another reason people mistake for one. A 33 year old adolescent. Haha... sigh. Hahaha!
  2. They call me Loyalty
    Elated. I built an ideal long ago. She was my holy spirit. My mother, my friend, my sister and my companion. An ideal that was pure love. I feel comfort since it evokes every nurturing feeling you can imagine into one. Imagine feeling unconditionally loved and embraced. It is the most beautiful feeling. And it is not real. But it feels more real than anything I've experienced in this world. I was in pain just moments ago. And now I feel nothing but peace. And it is funny and scary. But also amazing to realize how powerful is the human mind. It is like those boundless worlds I see in my dreams. So real. How is it possible that the emotions I experience within these illusions are more powerful than anything in this life? I've spent these last months trying to lower myself to the real world. But I suffer down here. So, it is perhaps the time to return to my original self. The dreamer. If everything comes crashing down, then that is fine. I know I will see her in my dreams. I know we will find each other when this journey comes to an end. I've been delirious before, for real. And whenever I closed my eyes. The realities I saw were as real as this one.
  3. They call me Loyalty
    Yes, the source of the problem is genetic with this family. It stunts your development. For example, both my mother and uncle returned to their parents after failure to launch. Still single. Same with me. I hit a ceiling and returned with my family during my adolescence. We have no autonomy. So, unless I wish to drag someone into a relationship out of pity. That is not gonna happen. Because that person is gonna have to carry with themselves and me, since I still suffer from hormonal depression, bipolar disorder, self-destructive behaviour and addiction. Which is common among people with developmental problems We stumble and fall and abandon ourselves. Also, being trapped inside an abnormal body makes you into someone very reclusive and anti-social. Take endogamic families for example. Since this problem stems from inbreeding, most likely. Imagine looking at someone and having them turned their face away as if they were seeing something painful when they see you. Yikes... Anyways, you don't feel like a normal person anymore. It is alienating. Also, I have only seen one woman with my condition so far. She looked very anorexic and almost entirely dissociated. It was like finding the rare zombie unicorn. "Ah, someone who can really understand". I thought. And then wandered how a relationship with someone who shares the same affliction must have been like. The answer is not good. Because I have my own mother as an example. No responsibility whatsoever.
  4. They call me Loyalty
    Awesome. This is the manic stage that comes after depression. I am high, basically. But it gives me some perspective. I've been struggling with loneliness. But it is near impossible to sustain a relationship with stunted development. Since it tanks your autonomy. I know that from experience. "So, how are you gonna deal with responsibility?". And the answer is you don't. Like I've been doing since childhood. Avoid confrontation and maximize procrastination to reduce the effects of chronic depression. And it is difficult because my family cannot take responsibility either. But it is not so bad.
  5. They call me Loyalty
    Sup, my dude. Welcome to the ponyhood.
  6. They call me Loyalty
    The Silent Comedy - Bartholomew
  7. They call me Loyalty
    I was talking with my mother about crimes of passion, in which most perpetrators are men. Pretty morbid stuff, actually. Just to realize the aberrations human beings are capable of. But the conversation brought up a man she was dating some fifteen years ago. And some of the worrying behaviors this guy was displaying already. Like for example stalking our home. One day this man called my mother and said. "I was walking near your house, and then I saw your father. Also, there was someone in the bathroom, and they turned on the light three times ". So, I immediately warned her that this behaviour was not normal at all. And she cut him off. So, a bullet dodged.
  8. They call me Loyalty
    They leave no scratch because it is a show for all ages. But I imagine them inflicting first to fourth degree burnings based on magical power. With characters like tempest, I believe the effect would be similar to getting hit with an arch flash explosion. I also imagine unicorns to be more conductive when it comes to energy, and each one is atuned to a unique frequency which can be seen in the color of their magic spells.
  9. They call me Loyalty
    I am playing They Bleed Pixels and enjoying some orange slices. And holy damn, I am another different person when I'm playing. It feels like my old self. Which is my young self. Which is my original self. Which is timeless. It feels like my mood is over the moon right now. I feel like myself. My voice genuinely becomes more akin to that of a child. And I am in heaven. Also, the mood in the house has improved all together. Which is very weird. So, we have better stats because I am not sinking anymore. At least for now. You never know with me, really. (Also, exactly 555 characters. That is the good sh*t. I don't know what means, by the way. The good sh*t. I mean. That sounds really weird. But that is fine. Because I am weird myself. And that is good. That is very good, actually. And so is this game. So, there is that).
  10. They call me Loyalty
    Through the Cellar Door - Lanterns on the Lake
  11. They call me Loyalty
    Alright. My mother followed after me and started throwing old vinyl discs against the floor. She smiled again after that. So, I am feeling better now, too.
  12. They call me Loyalty
    I was smashing one of the walls in my bathroom. Then I grabbed a torned out frame and pulled it apart. I stood there watching the handiwork and it reminded me of my mother. She suffers the same chronic condition as I do. Hypogonadism and anorexia nervosa, causing her body and psyche to be very underdeveloped and weak. And she used to go insane because of the impotence, and started punching holes into doors and throwing any object at hand. I understand her depression, anxiety, and cripplingly low self esteem better than anyone. Because I live it myself. And when I look at her I can see the pain/anger welling up in her eyes. Next time I'm gonna tell her to grab a hammer, too. So, we can smash the house apart together. Like family.
  13. They call me Loyalty
    Shine On Apoptyma Berzerk
  14. They call me Loyalty
    I always felt like I needed a sister. But not a pegasister. An actual sister. It is difficult to explain... but this nature was inherent to me since I was born. Attraction towards my own family. Like with the story about Nimrod. It is weird, I know. But the love I feel towards this hypothetical person cannot be put into words. I really miss having a sister. Someone to love. Unique. Not a mundane attraction. I have had beautiful people interested in me. But something is missing. That closeness. That familiarity. That blood bond. There is so much more to it than with normal relationships. It is something truly special. Since I was a child, I dreamt about a sister. And fashioned this innate desire into an ideal. And when I see normal couples. It is not there. It is something mechanical and instinctual most of the time, not unlike with other animal creatures. But the most important component seems faded. Turned into a compromise more akin to an agreement than something that stirs the heart. And the light in my eyes grows dim. I can actually see it on the mirror. So, damn the animal inside of us. I am looking for this love. And the love I sought since my childhood was never born. But whenever I think of it. No matter what. My soul comes to life. My eyes liven up. And my heart is glad to know that someday, we will find each other again. If not in this life. Then in the next. For now, I am just staying. Waiting for nothing. It is like watching clock spin without a clear purpose. What is strange, however. Is how much the people I used to know changed over time, sometimes for better and sometimes or worse. But I never changed. I am still the same. And what is stranger is that I cannot bring myself to lie to other people. It feels so forced to fake interest for someone you are not interested in. This inexplicable attraction is not there. My heart is tugging towards someone who isn't here. Short answer: No, I don't think it would make any difference. (Funny. 1989 characters. The year I was born. I do not know how the hell I keep getting these numbers. But a coincidence repeated over two hundred times is more than a coincidence).
  15. They call me Loyalty
    What are you studying?
  16. They call me Loyalty
    Sloth is common in this family. It is in part because of a chronic condition. But what really bothers me is the lack of good will, responsibility and initiative to keep going on. To fight, and then to fight some more. I mean to overcome oneself. To build oneself into a better person. And I know people like this and they are awesome, people who are willing to help others and be constructive. People that dignified themselves through work and dedication, doing a 180 degree. But this is not the case here. And one can offer encouragement, but they waste it and give you excuses in return. And that defeatist attitude brings you down because there is no action. But they are still my family. I love them. And I know they would have done better if they could. Which is not always the case, unfortunately.
  17. They call me Loyalty
    About this time I wᴑke up in my bedroom and read a message a very dedicated person wrote in the ceiling. But the room was almost pitch black, yet I was able to see all around. There was also this blue-ish tint over my field of view. It was incredible. So, I stayed there looking at the ceiling, while the room faded to black and the blue hue disappeared entirely. I still wonder what triggered such extreme pupil dilation. Because it was not a normal adaptation. Just imagine catching someone unaware out in a rural area or wilderness where there is almost no lighting whatsoever, but you are able to see in the dark. It makes me question whether this is some form of primal trait dormant within us. I didn't know human beings had actual night vision.
  18. They call me Loyalty
    I never watched Inuyasha. But that is beautiful. Thank for sharing this.
  19. They call me Loyalty
    The pros are that nobody knows I am a brony, the cons are that nobody knows I am a brony.
  20. They call me Loyalty
    My hypogonadism. It is a deficiency in the production of hormones such as testosterone and estrogen, that stunted my development into adulthood. So, my friends moved on with adult responsibilities and families of their own. While I am in the same place as twenty years ago. And it is the same with my relatives. They never matured. So, they can be prepotent, childish and irresponsible, which is sweet in some way. But it can be a massive detriment when it comes to deal with actual life. And I believe the problem is related with our ancestry. Since our family mentioned being an offshoot of french nobility. And as some people may be aware of, endogamy was a known practice among nobles and royalty to keep power. And these are the results... But this is the main reason I feel so "young". Because biologically, my body never developed past puberty. Which explains the reason people mistake me for an adolescent.
  21. They call me Loyalty
    I could be worse. I was just talking with my mother about this, actually. Because she has been single for more than thirty years. And I was trying to understand the reason, since she wouldn't give me a straight answer. I know she is traumatized, by the way. Also, she is more vulnerable because of the endocrine problem in our family. Which made her a magnet for abusive people back in school, and then my own father. Because people with hypogonadism often fail to read social cues, or are over-trusting, leading to victimization. So, I believe she is afraid of getting another person like my father. An abusive man who lies and manipulates to get personal. And gets violent when he cannot. There is also the self-hatred, impotence, depression and chronic fatigue she is dealing with. Which is familiar to me. And after reading more about how common abuse seems to be in relationships, and the kind of violence some people are willing to commit against each other. I am paralized. Much like her. It is similar with this woman I saw the other day, with her child falling behind like it didn't exist to her. And she had this thousand yard stare in her eyes. That was abuse. And I think my mother realized this with my father, and she is unwilling to face reality anymore. She has abandoned herself in a way. But that is more or less the reason I am single, without getting into the genetic issues, self-esteem, etc. So, for people who are already suffering from a debilitating condition... and considering she didn't answer to the question. I think we have both arrived at the answer.
  22. They call me Loyalty
    That' awesome to hear. Lots of interests you got there. So, yeah. Welcome, and have fun.
  23. They call me Loyalty
    Making a bucket list. Which is a paradox in and of itself. But really. Today I was talking with my mother about the very present possibility of our family dying off with me, and whether she was worried about having no grandchildren. And she said "No". Like the day I told her that her was father had died. And she said. "Nah". I had to make the arrengements for the funeral myself. So, that's a relief. Because some of the people I know have been recently questioned by their own parents about having children and other responsibilities. But their families are normal. While ours is not. We are hypogonadal, which makes for mentally and physically under-developed people. I mean. I am a 33 year old man stuck in the body of a 17 year old anorexic adolescent. And my mind suffers and experiences depression, chronic anxiety and dissociation because of the anorexia nervosa. So, not the best father material. Especially, because I lived that with my mother already. But this is also the reason we have such good relationship. She is mentally like a child. And so am I! So, I was never pushed to take responsibility, because she never took any responsibility as a mother, herself. So, the no-plan plan is more or less like this. Administer what family funds are left with a dropper, so we don't have to be exposed to society. And it should work... as long as she doesn't burn it all on wine and chocolate. Which is understandable, chocolate IS delicious. But still. She has been mismanaging our rents for the past ten years. Over-spending on candy, and more chocolate, which is great. But not so much when the fridge is empty half a month in, because all the money went into sweets. But I cannot really blame her. I would have done the same.
  24. They call me Loyalty
    No, I have a phobia with needles.
  25. They call me Loyalty
    I've been watching Dark from netflix... ufff. It is really dark. Haha. Not so much because of the intricate narrative, but how deeply flawed and human are the characters. Like, nope. Too human human for me. I am not watching that anymore. Otherwise, I would recommend it, if you are into mature drama with sci-fi elements, and like to feel miserable and hopeless about life. It is really good at that.
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