They call me Loyalty

Crazy. I was thinking about the future. And it is a blank slate for me. Most people would be worried about doing something with their lives. But I don't know. The changes I experience in personality are pretty overwhelming, which makes it very difficult to commit to anything. I second, third and fourth-guess myself within the hour. I throw the punches, and I pull them at the same time. I go back and forth without ever moving. I am insane. Which is fine, I guess. So, okay. I've read the message. I screwed it all up. So, what do you want me to do, now? I already said how much I worry about this creation. And they tell me "whatever". That I "doomed" everyone. That I will be the cause of a new monarchy. You know what? Why don't you take over, yourselves, and make the best out of this life? Because, I just don't know anymore. I never had an answer to begin with. Let's be clear with that. I never had an answer to this life. So, "where do we go, now?". I don't ****ing know. I never knew where to go. Which is the reason I created religion. To give a sense of order and purpose to this chaos. But faith is bankrupt, so "whatever". Do as you will. But leave me be.

Happy Ciders Season, folks!!! To be honest. I don't like cider all that much. But I am gotta get some, just to get in the spirit.

You know what? The other I saw a cloud that looked like his moustache. So, maybe it is true. But just in case. Please, have some sympathy for the devil. He is but an innocent... 32 year old man-child, now. Regardless, I have become enamored with the honey spilling from your fair mouth like ambrosia. To soothe this restless wound at my heart, so I can dream once more. From now on I will protect from myself, by running away into the forest, or hiding behind nearby objects. My platonic princess, thank you for keeping my head in space. One day I will offer it to you in a silver platter. As a testament of our eternal love, that shall forever trascend the limitations of this, oh- so cruel mortality, by never meeting each other, nor the stressful resposibilities of adult life. One day, we shall be free at last. Still, you know me very well, for some reason. So, thank you... for real. Thank you for replenishing my romanticism. This "magic" keeps me alive. My fair witch. Have a good life. I will now go to dance with the sunlight.

Should I accept Hitler, as well? He is inside of me, after all. It is not that simple, when your inherent nature is to kill. Still, I will keep your "pro" tip for when I want to harm someone for the slightest reason. Or better not. Still, there is always hope. I just need to keep my mind occupied with something else. To find refuge in my own faith.

Like a halloween witch. Also, let's not go back to those times ever again. Welcome to the forums. I hope you can enjoy your stay here. Have fun.

There is not much to be done, but I appreciate your concern. I am divided between multiple personalities. One of them being very abusive and aggressive, while the other being like a defenseless and innocent child. Also, I may have some secrets to confess. But I'm gonna be alright, I think. I've found that sleeping is a great aid when the stress is overtaking. So, sleeping all day kinda works. I send you a hug. Please, stay well. To know people are doing alright makes me feel better.

Thank you.

It feels like there there is two sides inside of me, and they are loving each other very much. I am in heaven. So high... I don't know what's wrong with me. Half an hour ago, I was feeling like a normal person for once. Like I could almost function. But then I started drowning within myself, and felt this presence hugging me from within, and I tried to reject it, but I eventually became like a little child. I was embraced and loved, and I called it Mother. But her love grew so much within myself that I started to feel like a wild dog biting at the air to protect her from myself. The love was so much that I had this murderous feeling inside of me, again. It is like with baphomet, or brahma. I don't really know what happens with me. So broken.

Wow, that sucks. I hope you can get fair hours with fair rewards. To be completely honest, it is my state of mind. I don't function very well. If it wasn't because my family takes care of me, I would be homeless or dead, by now. I don't know if I have schizophrenia or autism, or both. But I spend most of the time isolated from people, and then I have these moments when I shut down. Sometimes I woud be doing exercise and get lost in thoughts for so long I start to fall asleep. And part of me doesn't wanna move. So, I will be there trying to not fall asleep, even when the bed is five seconds away from me. I barely go out of my house, and have this irrational fear of going outside, even when I live in a pretty nice place. Here are some of the symptoms of this illness. Developmental delays in childhood. Struggles during school. Suspiciousness of other people. Decreased self-care. Social isolation and increased introversion. Disorganized thinking and problems recognizing cause-and-effect. Inappropriate social behavior. That is me in a nutshell. I think I have schizophrenia but I was never properly diagnosed or treated as one. And my family just "wanted me to be normal" instead, or they didn't realize it. But whenever I mention them some of my symptoms, they simply disregard them. But none of this is normal. I feel very broken.

That sounds awesome. If I could, I would get lost in books all day. Welcome to the forums.

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Evanescence - Where Will Go

Not last night, but half an hour ago. It is seven o'clock in the afternoon. I dreamt my mother wanted to eat the house cat. The poor animal was already wounded in the leg, and I was trying to convince her but she didn't want to drop the knife. It was so stressful. But I think it was because I listened to the story of this american tourist who went to some really poor region of japan, and there were these cages full of cats stacked in a garage. They were eating them. And she tried to free these animals, but some the people were alerted, and she had to run away. Also, this dream combines elements from my own childhood. Some of the women in this group used to tie strings of firecrakers to the tail of cats, and light them up, so these poor creatures would start running and getting hurt without being able to escape de damage, or throw boiling water on animals, and other things. They were very sadistic. Either way, it was very stressful, and now my chest physically hurts. While my emotional response is in shock. Also, this may be the actual real reason I harmed animals during my childhood. I was repeating the patterns I learned from my family environment. I don't need to mystify reality, when you can actually understand the source of the trauma. It is curious, that from all the monsters in my nightmares. Human nature is the scariest thing in the end.

Look at her. Look at that playful smile. That sweet feigned innocence. This is a trait of mine. Mostly because my conscience is scarred by our tumultuous past, in which I had a hand at ruining for everyone. I often regress to my child self because of that fear. The guilt behind this amnesia is scary. Babel... never again. Never again.

I was... sleeping and I woke up in pain. Then I realized my family had brought me cookies. I ate them and then I thought. "I am being helped, but what have I done to help them?". "Nothing". Then I felt this emptiness in the pit of my stomach... like a "hunger". It is not the first time I have become aware of this strange reaction. The other day I was saying to myself. "You are you, and you have problems" on repeat, because most of the time I don't even feel like myself until it is too late. I did it until I fell into the reality of my life, and started panicking. I wanted to have an honest talk with my mother, but the words didn't come out, I was chocking on tears. And when I finally felt like I could speak up my feelings to her. This mouth opened like a wound in the pit of my stomach, and I felt how the emotions were literally funnelled into it like a drain. And then I felt... this "nothing", again. From that point onwards, my words sounded empty. And I just felt "alright". But it wasn't alright. None of this is alright. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. But it didn't feel honest anymore. So, I stood there in awkward silence. And I tried to tell her anways. But my words didn't have any meaning anymore. They were hollow. It felt like an act. Because my emotions were gone. The maw in my navel had taken them away. It consumes emotions.

I can tell you the reason I do not ship characters. And that is this disproportionate fear within myself, which creates these extremes polarities. I go from loving too much, to becoming apathetic. From the child to the beast. And this creates an obsession with spoiling things. A part of you wants to see life tainted, so you don't have to fear the "inevitable" anymore. In other words. You learn to love "corruption". You learn to love betrayal, abuse, and more darker things. And you start deriving pleasure from them. The fear becomes like a very potent drug. And this is exactly why I cannot keep afloat. I continue to sink. Because I cannot "ship". I cannot even ship myself in real life. Because of this narcissistic obsession with breaking bad, which source is still unknown to me. I was the sweetest, most innocent child there ever was, yet there was always this very dark inclination since I was born. Like with hurting animals. It came naturally. I was born this way. You have these "special needs". And eventually grow a taste for things that have not been changed by fear. Such as innocence. Because as we become adults, we learn to develop coping mechanisms and behaviours that diminished our most honest reactions. So, imagine this beautiful white canvas, and you press yourself against it, you make it yours, until there is nothing left but blackness. So sweet. So, why do I build these monologuing walls? Because I want to get to you. To bite you so can taste my sweet poison. But at the same time. I don't want to harm people. Hence, I create walls around me. Like labyrinths for my mind. Because I truly love life, yet I want to hurt it until it feels good. But I know it is wrong. So, I am paralized. Like two arrows going in opposite directions. Because otherwise, I would have to become a predator. Thefore, I bite myself. I isolate and eventually self-destruct, because all my behaviours are precisely that. If there is no one I can abuse. Then I will start abusing myself. It is weird, I know. But that is the reason I do not ship. Also, because seeing relatively functional people together hurts me like hell.

What is your favourite food? What animal represents you the best? What is your favourite kind of weather? What movie genre do you like the most? If your love hurt people, would you still love them? You know... like knife-love.

I think it is nice to further the series. Like we further our own existance by producing further generations. It is a neccesary process, which can spawn little monsters like generation 3.5, was it? But it can also result in living miracles of hope and renewal like with FiM. The Golden Age. What I will say, however, is that they should have waited a bit longer before producing the next generation. If you give too much to people. You will spoil them. They will become greedy, and unappreciative. You have to starve them out, a little. Play just enough with their hunger. Tease them playfully. You know it works, because daddy knows best. But, no. They went ahead with yet another generation, so soon after FiM. But who knows, really. Perhaps they are correct, and I am mistaken here. Either way, don't be afraid of rolling the dice for another chance. My loss is your gain. And I would lose it all for you. God, I love you so much. If you knew how much I truly love you all. But yes. As long as change the formula a bit. For example, there was an episode called garbage diving, or something like that. You see? I don't think that this would have ever been an episode's name we could find in FiM. Ah, we were inoccent once. The thing is, the night is as neccesary as the day. So, do not wish for the sunlight to last eternal or you will burn like myself. In other words - do not keep things alive beyond their lifespan. You have to... let go.

Yes, I always loved my mother. But it was not "there" anymore. And then they said "where are what we are not". So, I have to run away tonight. Because I cannot bring you "there". You don't believe me anymore. And I have to keep it safe. These fragments down here under the light... are they hers or mine? I feel broken, mixed up. I am neither him, nor her anymore. Still, I have to believe there is hope, still. They are eating each other out inside of me. It is maddening. I am too in love with myself.

I was relaxing at my computer with some tea, snacks and anise candies, while watching a let's play of yuppie psycho. Life is good. I am myself. It is good. As I always said, one candy a day, keeps the devil away.

I drink anisette, like once a year. Also, I take ethanol, if I am in some sort of pain. But otherwise, I don't like alcohol very much. I am more of a sweets and snacks person.

Being consistent with my life. I cannot complete "things". I feel desintegrated. Like my soul snapped in two and then it was put back together. There is this fracture in my chest. It is trauma. This damage is the result of a wound between my mother and me. More precisely, between women and me that goes back into the times of the old testament. To say I have caused damage to women would be an understatement. I always have to hurt everything I touch, it seems. Also, there were some strangers who talked to to me, recently. As if they knew me. Out of nowhere. Things like "We will talk again when time permits", and "We will see each other, again". There is no much time left for me, it feels like. The fracture inside my chest is growing like it is about to shatter me in half. Too broken to fix my promises, again. I just wanted to run away. To find paradise. Just to run away from myself. To fly away into even greater heights, where the boundaries of sky and earth meet... to crash and fall again. There is no way out, you stupid piece of ****. I always knew it. But I had to try. To run away. If I could only go past that sky... imagine a place where you can sleep forever. Isn't it beautiful? But I am afraid that even then, the nightmares will find me. I'm going down, it seems. I would like to learn to accept life, as it is. But a part of me is always trying to separate itself from myself. To return "home". Whatever that is.

Nope. I never trusted santa, and neither should you.

The other day I went to the balcony. It was getting late. I didn't get out, but peeked from behind the courtain. And saw this strange group of people already looking in my direction from the icecream parlor in the corner of the street next to my residence. It was an adult with what seemed like his daughter. Except she was not. You know, I am very good reading behaviours. This person didn't look like he was involved with this underage girl. Then, he looked at me over the periodic he was reading and the look in his eyes was not good. Also, the way she was sitting in that chair. As I said, I am very good at reading behaviour. This girl was bent over with her lower body thrown forward. almost as if she was trying to lie down in this chair. And then she just stared at me with this strange acceptance. I got scared... there was a turbid feeling to this situation. I was reminded of that scence from the movie mad god, with the wooden doll. If you see that movie, you will understand. Please, take care of people. Protect children.

I was a child in this endless plane, crying for my mother, it was raining. And I knew there was nothing. I had no mother, or father. Because nothing had been created, yet. And I knew that no matter how much I walked, I would never find anyone else. Because I was the source? I don't know if it was true. But it haunts me. It makes me very afraid - this pit of black tar inside my stomach. The feeling of seeing "myself" inside other people's eyes since childhood. And then the bible speaking about this solitary creator hovering over the face of the waters. It is so scary; that notion. A sense of loss and loneliness so deeply ingrained within myself, it keeps me from forming meaningful bonds with people. Because the fear of loss is that great. It gnaws at your mind and corrodes your sanity. Tearing at your heart like a cancerous "awereness" that follows you around no matter how far you run. A shadow with a voice. "Do you remember me?" It says on repeat. "No, "get out!" I start yelling to myself at night. "Get out, get out, get out". The fear is all too real. Afraid of company, afraid of loneliness. I am a paradox without answer. I punch at my navel. But the blackness grows within me, like a bubbling disease. A void threatening to consume everything I know and love. These are my night terrors. Just a bad dream. You are never alone. Everything is gonna be alright. Rest, child. Close your eyes and sleep well. Find solace in the well-being of others and rest in peace. We all die.