Please Proof Me!

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

So, I wrote this a good while back and only decided to clean it up and put it here on FimFiction.net.

 

Story Description - Rainbow Dash asks you to proofread a story for her. What you don't realize, of course, is that the story may be more than just a tale.

 

Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/72379/please-proof-me

 

 

 

Source of image - http://www.ponyderivative.com/images/single/rainbow-dash/?rainbow-dash-flying-04

[Sky Warden 2,243]

Finally! Oh thank you! I was bored as buck when I first saw this topic. Finally! Something to do! Thank you sir.

First of all, I'm a little confused with the writing style. I see that you use a second-person perspective, but I'm a little confused because sometimes you use past tense, and in another paragraph you use present tense. I saw so many tense switches which made me confused when I first read it. Correct me if I'm wrong maybe? I'm not good at english. :lol:

Then, this is the basic rule in writing, try to show the reader instead of telling them. Like this part :

"Many of these ponies were very open to you, always helpful, and were very cheery just to be around.  There were, of course, ponies that you were closer to.  And you were currently looking for a specific one right now."

That second paragraph of yours is telling the reader. You tell the reader that "These ponies were very open to you". Why? How? Open like what? That's what floating in my mind whenever I read this part. Some mean proof readers will say something like "Boring".  That's true actually, because you don't invoke their imagination and it seems like you're dictating them. Show me how those ponies are very open to me. Use action that indicate it. Like "Many ponies greeted me as I walked along the street". Well, sorry for the bad example, I really don't know what do you mean with 'open' here, sorry. Just by reading the sentence, the reader may get some things. The ponies are very kind, and the street was crowded.

Well, since it's already 1214 characters, I will stop here for now. I can go with some more if you permit me.

Edited December 27, 2012 by Sky Warden

[Doctor-Whooves 288]

Ah, excellent fic. The idea is quite comical, but you added sadness and romace in just a way that it added to the atmosphere without destroying it. Here, have a big mac: 

Edited December 27, 2012 by Doctor-Whooves

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

 

 

I have some people I write with that help with proofing, or in general just post up interesting ideas to help with stories.  What you've said about my past/present tense... yeah...

 

I only found out I have some problems in writing that when a proofer I know of pointed that out to me.  It's a flaw in my writing style, I will admit that.  I will take the time in trying to avoid that in the future.

 

As for the beginning.  Yes, it is a tad boring.  I only wrote that small part to introduce the entire story.  I actually wrote this story in about a day, then had some people help proofing it before I showed it to a thread.  Later on, I then decided to clean it a little more then post it on FimFiction.net. 

 

Yeah, I suppose I could've, and maybe should've made the intro more interesting.  But I was using the assumption that most readers would easily pick up that the character was transported there and had a fairly easy life, with nothing much else to talk about.  It was supposed to be a short little story, so too much detailing and fleshing out things makes it hard to keep short.

 

I do thank you for taking the time in looking it over and showing me these flaws.  It helps pressure me into trying to improve my writing.  I might do some more One Shots later on down the road, but I'll be sticking to my main story for the time being.

 

 

 

And I'm glad you enjoyed it.  It was difficult, figuring out a way to write this with a comical sense and some romance placed in there without it trying too hard and making a mess of things.

[Sky Warden 2,243]

As for the beginning.  Yes, it is a tad boring.  I only wrote that small part to introduce the entire story.  I actually wrote this story in about a day, then had some people help proofing it before I showed it to a thread.  Later on, I then decided to clean it a little more then post it on FimFiction.net. 

 

I might do some more One Shots later on down the road, but I'll be sticking to my main story for the time being.

You're cool bro, if only I had your guts. I already have a manuscript of a novel of mine, and my proof reader said that it's ready to publish, but well, you know, I'm a kinda coward.

 

Yeah, I suppose I could've, and maybe should've made the intro more interesting.  But I was using the assumption that most readers would easily pick up that the character was transported there and had a fairly easy life, with nothing much else to talk about.  It was supposed to be a short little story, so too much detailing and fleshing out things makes it hard to keep short.

 

I do thank you for taking the time in looking it over and showing me these flaws.  It helps pressure me into trying to improve my writing.

Then try to 'show' them in a brief way. Trying to show isn't always, uhm, blabbering in a long sentence. To be brief is another strong art in writing.

No problem. I'm the one who must thank you since you gave me something to do in these boring hours.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

 

Yeah, I suppose next time I write a One Shot, I'll take into consideration of making a more interesting start.  I also have an idea for a Novel I want to write, but want to get more practice in actually writing.  That's what these fics are for, they're a great way to polish up on one's writing skills.  As for boring, you could always check out my other story if you're really that bored.  If you have any feedback to that story, I also have another thread for it, which sadly no one really gave me any feedback.  Here's the link - http://mlpforums.com/topic/42629-an-alien-walks-amongst-us-constructive-criticism-is-appreciated/

[Sky Warden 2,243]

Yeah, I suppose next time I write a One Shot, I'll take into consideration of making a more interesting start.  I also have an idea for a Novel I want to write, but want to get more practice in actually writing.  That's what these fics are for, they're a great way to polish up on one's writing skills.  As for boring, you could always check out my other story if you're really that bored.  If you have any feedback to that story, I also have another thread for it, which sadly no one really gave me any feedback.  Here's the link - http://mlpforums.com/topic/42629-an-alien-walks-amongst-us-constructive-criticism-is-appreciated/

Thank you my good sir. You really save my day.

Actually, I didn't say that your fic is boring. I said mean readers may say so. Savvy?

That one sounds interesting though.

[Doctor-Whooves 288]

Have you considered submitting this to EqD? I know it's neigh impossible to get works into their database, but in my humble opinion, this is definitely good enough.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Have you considered submitting this to EqD? I know it's neigh impossible to get works into their database, but in my humble opinion, this is definitely good enough.

Man it's been a while since I've looked over there.  Yeah, why not.  I doubt that Equestria Daily will take it, but I submitted anyways.