Applejack x Rarity

[MachineGunLola 408]

so this is a story i am working on

YES, IT IS APPLEJACK X RARITY!! I support it!!!!!!!

i had a friend edit it so i hope it is ok now

please let me know what you think (:

 

Applejack sighed and smiled at no one in particular. She'd had a long morning, but she enjoyed the hard work. Her hooves were dirty and she knew Rarity would be livid if she walked into her house like that. Deciding she'd done her share for the day, AJ walked to her house and took a quick bath.

She didn't want to take too long, but she knew she needed to get all the dirt off. Deciding ten minutes was good enough, she set a timer and began her wash.

By the time she was done with the bath, the water was dirty, dirtier than she'd thought, for sure. Aj was glad she'd thought to take a bath. Shaking dry, she pulled her hat back on and trotted to Rarity's dress shop. The small bell rang when she opened the door, and she could hear Rarity walking to greet her.

"Hello, Aj darling. You're almost late." Rarity smiled and tried to sound stern, but she didn't pull it off. Her smile betrayed her real feelings.

"Sorry, Rarity. I had to take a bath, I didn't wanna dirty your pretty shop up." Applejack smiled sheepishly. Rarity nodded and walked to her vanity for a quick touch up.

"Well, I thought we'd go to the spa first, and then go for a small picnic." She turned and looked at AJ, waiting for a response.

Applejack nodded back. "Sounds good to me." She pulled the door open and held it for Rarity. "Ladies first!" She called out. "But Aj, you're a lady too, you know." Rarity said teasingly. "Ah, I know that.." AJ muttered and blushed deeply.

"Well, let's go on to the spa now. I want to get a mani and pedi!" Rarity called, trotting along in front of AJ.

Applejack walked Rarity trot along, and couldn't help but notice her nice shaped legs, and her beautiful tail. HOW did she get her hair so shiny? Applejack's hair had never been that shiny, or clean for that matter.

They reached the spa quickly, and were taken straight to the nail room.

"Ah, hello, Rarity daaarlinggg." Someone called out, and looking around, AJ noticed a stallion sitting and reading a magazine while getting his nails filed.

"Oh hello!" Rarity called and smiled. She trotted over and plopped down next to the stallion, where she was quickly met by a spa assistant.

Soon, the two were deep in conversation, and AJ was left alone, not even the mare doing her nails was paying attention to her.

As Rarity blushed and flirted, AJ could feel her anger rising, but she wasn't sure why. Jealous, maybe, because this was supposed to be their day.

"Well, I really must go, darling. I have to make a cake!" The stallion called as he left the shop, smiling and blushing.

Rarity sighed and looked at him walk away, a dreamy expression on her face.

AJ wished Rarity would look at HER like that.

Wait, what?

Applejack shook her head and smiled. "Rarity, what do you want to do for our picnic?" She asked, and Rarity shook her head, as if waking up. "Oh, um, well, see, I have to um, go um.. Make a new dress for um. Fluttershy! SO, I'm sorry darling, but I just can't um, make it to our little picnic..." She said, her words trailing off as she smiled dreamily again.

"You're gonna go see that stallion, aren't you?" Applejack called out, standing up.

"Wh-What? No! No... I, well.. Yes.." Rarity replied, looking embarrassed. "He's just so great."

Applejack's heart raced and she felt tears welling in her eyes.

"B-But we were supposed to have a picnic!"

"Oh darling, we can always have one."

"No!"

Applejack turned and walked out of the spa, leaving Rarity to look at her, without any clue as to what was wrong.

"Don't you get it...? Rarity, I wanna be the one you look at like that.." AJ mumbled quietly as she trotted home, tears blurring her vision.

What was this feeling, and why was she feeling it?

[bagelbass 29]

Ew ew ew gross gross gross. Sorry, I respect your opinion, but I personally hate any of the Mane 6 paired together in any way. It's just wrong, IMO.

[Twi Rubix 726]

Ew ew ew gross gross gross. Sorry, I respect your opinion, but I personally hate any of the Mane 6 paired together in any way. It's just wrong, IMO.

 

Im with you there, I just don't like shipping as well.

 

...But it doesn't mean your story is bad! It's just not my taste. Just keep working on it, and keep it up.

[VladmireV.S.(Crank) 1,096]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......... sexy, i like it:3 i am now a fan of ApplejackxRarity, who knew it was so...interesting???

[NeverAgain653289he32 285]

Wow I'm dumb I though it was just a friendly day at the spa at first . Your story has very big potential and you should keep writing (Or typing it ) but me personally don't like the mane 6 having relations with one another. Over all good job though. *BROHOOF

[Happysalesman 23]

Well... let's delve on into this!

 

I guess my first critique is that you're missing one of the key components of any writing, and that is a setting! While I can infer from what you've written where Applejack, as a reader, I don't want to! Put images in my head! Beat me over the head with descriptive words until my nose starts to bleed a rainbow! (Sorry, got a little carried away there.)

 

Next, Applejack is definitely out of character. Waaaay out to left field on that one. I can't really see her agreeing to go to a spa and get her hooves painted without some comment about "Ah don't like that frou frou stuff!" emerging. I understand that in a shipping fic, the characters are likely to be off anyway, but you still want to keep them as close as possible, or else it's like reading a story about an OC that you named Applejack. Also, I really can't see Rarity snubbing Applejack for an unnamed stallion that I can only assume she just met, since you didn't bother to give him a name. (If he's gonna be a recurring character, introduce him with a name!)

 

Thirdly, and this is mostly just a pet-peeve of mine, some of your... ponification? Needs work. (Ex. Horses don't have nails, and I can't imagine they get manicures and pedicures considering there isn't a different between a hind-hoof and a forehoof.)

 

Overall, (as much as I hate to say it) the plot line for this so far seems... bad. I'm not against shipping fics, if they're done well I'll enjoy almost any pairing, but in this case, I can't. You're missing the element that makes me as a reader want to connect to the characters and invest emotionally. All I see when I look at this is "Applejack takes a bath. Meets Rarity. They go to the spa. Rarity meets a random stallion, blows off AJ to see him, AJ gets overly emotional over feelings she just discovered about Rarity."

 

So, how do you fix this? One, describe a setting! A time of day, anything! I know I said this before, but like I said, it's one of the key components to a story. Two, characterize your characters! Tell me what they think, what they feel, and why! Lastly, if you want to write a romance fic, go read some romance!

 

Seriously, go find some well written (emphasis on the "well-written" part) romance fic, or a good romance novel (not smut, PLEASE) and read it. Look at a. How the author writes. If it's a style that appeals to you, emulate it! Imitation is the best form of compliment, so don't be afraid to use someone's writing style, just don't plagiarize. Also, look at how the author writes the character. Most romance stories are written from a first person perspective, or a third person that weighs heavily on one character's thoughts and emotions.

 

I know I sound all negative and such, but don't get discouraged. I'm saying these things to help you! Because what kind of reviewer would I be if I didn't critique your work?

[MachineGunLola 408]

 

well this is just a rough draft, um, if i write some more and fix it could i send it to you in a PM so you can look at it?

i am a bit sad about what you said but thank you for saying it nicely, i will try to make it better

i just wanted the basic outline for it really....

[PonyEcho 1,610]

this + other stuff = me giggling because my first though was a flash back to the xSpitfire stuff yesterday (good times... good times)

happysalesman pretty much sums it up best i can't add much with out it being what he said, so i'll just give it a thumb up and say carry on but try to keep it sensible please.

 

also rely people your gonna rely to a thread just to mention you distaste to shipping rely is that in anyway contributing to help the story improve if you don't have any thing meaning full to add don't post.

Edited August 11, 2012 by PonyEcho

[Pinkazoid 3,493]

Ew ew ew gross gross gross. Sorry, I respect your opinion, but I personally hate any of the Mane 6 paired together in any way. It's just wrong, IMO.

 

Well, you could have ignored it, saying stuff like "Ewww" and "Gross" can hurt people's feelings over something hard they worked in, and well, you didn't really have anything positive, or helpful to say to try to help them improve their skills, it's just like going through clopfic fan art just to leave a negative comment about it >.>

 

 

Well, you said it was a rough draft, so I guess it's not completely finished, you could get someone to lend you a helping hoof to improve your work ^.^

[Cocodrillo 1,565]

That´s the weirdest mane6 pairing BTW I can´t imagine AJ let someone make her.. hooves (well, manicure, whatever). But let´s see how it will continue..