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general What life do you want?


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I feel like the littlest to ask for is too much.


At the very least the job I want…. and …. Don’t want to jinx it.

Edited by DubWolf
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3 hours ago, Flying Pencil said:

A happy one, free of stress

That’s all I want myself. I need a decent amount of money for it, but I’d rather get enough to get me by at least a whole year of bills. I can’t give a fuck about latest car models, let alone a mansion; I just want a nice permanent blanket which let me go travel in peace and have lots of free time

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  • 10 months later...

I've always felt this sense of extradition within me. But in the more literal sense. Ex-tradition. Losing your original homeland and your traditions.

But when I imagine my ideal life. I would live near a rural area. Driving a tractor around the dirt roads with my hunting rifle. Having a little shed, and some animal farms of my own.
Living with my own sister and our kids. In distant proximity with the rest of the family. Because I have always been in the more wild side.

So, I am lost here. Which doesn't make me a cannibal, or a predator. Since there are those who have accused me of this, or have looked at me this way when I used to contemplate the streets from the balcony in this house, feeling a sense of wrongness with my place in the world. And the reality of it, is that I was looking for my home all along. I was lost. I am still lost.

Also, eventhough my mother or her brother have never asked themselves about their origins in 53 years, despite that their lives are in limbo. They still feel this painful sense of longing. And I would often ask my mother what are her plans for the future, and just looks at me and says that she doesn't know what to do anymore. And even if she had the means, she would probably stay there as if someone had plucked the soul out of her.

She just mentions "wanting to travel around the world" without any particular destination in mind. Or wait for another life, as she had surrendered herself, already. And this is because there is a part of her that is still looking for her "home", like it happens with me. But the problem is that because of the way that she was raised and indoctrinated, she lost a part of herself, the same way I lost a part of me. But regardless, she keeps coming back to me, and has been sacrificing her own relationships to stay with me since the beginning.

And I have always felt the same way. Because the love that exist between people within the same family is different for us. But that love was denied.

Like when I think about that sister who was never born, and how they lied to my mother about it. Not about age difference and such. But someone like me, of similar age. And because it is a form of love like any other, that has been denied. Which is killing me and my mother now.
And because that is who we are. It is in my genes like an invisible record playing the ancestral behaviour that makes me myself. Which is the reason the rest of my family are so depersonalized and depressed "without"a reason. Or how my mother started to go against the rest family since before I was born.

Or these reucurring dreams since childhood where I am desperately looking for my home, and then pass by my current residence and I do not recognize it as as my home anymore. Because it never was.

But we are... fine. At least from a financial perspective. But that is the reason I act so agressively. Because I am in pain. Because my family is dying, and I cannot do anything about it. Because of the way the rest of the family, and other people interfered to damage who we are. Like it was a joke, but there is no one laughing now.

Because what you did is wrong. But you know that already. You just have to look under that mockery, and it will start to hurt, too. That is the reason people cannot look me in the eyes when I look at them honestly. Because they know it is wrong, too. So, either silence or mockery, you know it, too.

That is the reason she mentions material possesions so much, because she is broken like an addict, and just cries. So, c'mon, give me a like, now. For honesty's sake. And I am the "faggot".

Edited by They call me Loyalty
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I know what I wanted a few years ago... but now I'm just trying to be thankful for what is at the current moment. I've come to realize I'm not alone in this lonely life I understand that now. That whatever will be will be... if it's meant to happen it will and if not that is okay too. I'm done trying to force things to happen... I just want peace of mind and tranquility.

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  • 3 months later...

I'm happy to report that this isn't me anymore:

On 2017-01-06 at 8:40 AM, Envy said:

I just want my high school/teenage life back. The life where my biggest challenges in my life were feeling not good enough as a musician and teenage social drama. There were no sign of my medical issues. I had a life where I could look forward to the future. I had such a carefree, normal life.

I'd give anything to have that again.

My life will never be quite as carefree as it was back in high school. But the health issues have been looked at and I am able to look forward to the future again. =)

Um... So... This time, my post will be about future and not the past.

I would like:

  • To move to Connecticut, and for my parents to join me as well.
  • To learn to drive, and be confident at it.
  • To attain a stable, at least decently paying career that I feel like I'm doing good for this world.
  • To find a partner.
  • To have a child.

These are all on my list right now. I don't know if #4 will happen, because that depends on actually finding another person, but I hope to achieve the others at least!

TBH, not to keep dwelling on the past, but the woman I loved most recently. I wish we could be together. But that simply cannot be. She is straight.

Edited by Envy
  • Brohoof 1
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On 2022-06-26 at 9:16 PM, Clawdeen said:

I would be a rich, beautiful and popular woman with a job I loved(don’t ask me what that is because I don’t really know.) I would be in an amazing relationship and I’d be happy.

Well I'm definitely becoming well known within the workplace. Especially if what I overheard yesterday was true and I'm going to be the PDM of two manufacturing plants now. This is probably one of the best jobs I've ever had. So yeah I'm well on my way to making my dream life happen lol

  • Party! 1
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  • 4 months later...

A life in Melbourne living in a beautiful home in the suburb of Williamstown with the girl of my dreams, preferably, an East Asian girl, I find them to be the most beautiful and cute looking. :coco:

Edited by Spark Thunderbass
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