Terrible, Terrible Puns

[Fluttermena 1,223]

I just heard a great one in an Amazing Atheist video:

"Have you heard about the cows who smoke marijuana and play poker? The steaks are pretty high."

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,809]

Two of my OCs in a roleplaying situation:

 

Thunder Dash was eating breakfast one morning when his cousin Storm Rush zipped right past him heading out the door without saying a word. "Yo Storm! What's the Rush?" Thunder Dash asked. 

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

Wait, why am I explaining the joke to you? That ruins it!

Normally yes, but not everyone is from Masachussetts, ya know.

Sorry for being mean, but the average person wouldn't understand that joke. Really, it's as simple a stat.

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

Not sorry for double post when it's for quality content.

 

Twi might Sparkle if she uses some magic.

Fruit flies aren't antisemitic, in fact they love fruit juice.

 

Bonus round for French speakers:

 

Satan a amélioré son arsenal pour aider les tueurs, mais il a besoin démunission.

Avoir à s'occuper du chat de la voisine, c'est chiant. Que les toilettes soient bouchées, c'est chiant aussi.

Il est défendu de cueillir des pêches, sous peine d'amande.

Ma petite amie m'a allumé, je n'y ai vu que du feu.

 

Should I also post Turkish puns or?

 

Bonus bonus round round

 

When captain Picard asked to command the Enterprise, everyone knew he wanted the D.

People in wheelchairs can be excellent spokespersons.

 

Bonus² round²

 

Please wait your turn to enter the bathroom stall, a toilet can only handle one asshole at a time.

"Nothing's right I'm @@Thorn"

Edited November 28, 2013 by Feather Spiral

[DarligPegasi 315]

A lawyer is defending a client in court over a doctor's malpractice on her eyes. Instead of fixing her heterochromia he caused her to go blind. 

The lawyer gives all of his proof and says triumphantly "Iris my case."

 

What do vegetables learn for self defense?

Carrotte 

Edited November 30, 2013 by DarligPegasi

[Frith is Magick 1,471]

I've been pining to spruce up my profile fir ages. It wood be best not to leaf it until my interest branch out to far. Sadly, writing about myself goes against the grain, especially if it is sappy, but I would have to be barking mad to write anything like that. It seems like a complete pain in the ash, and Fluttershy says it's time forest.

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

When I was in London, I fancied an Asian restaurant in Wokingham I need to taco bout. They were woking so hard to serve us in there, I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

 

I married a chick who's really into money games. She's my lass Vegas.

[Moaning Myrtle 196]

Do Lipton Tea workers take coffee breaks?

 

A blonde,A brunette,and a redhead went to a magic mirror.If they told they truth they get a wish.If they don't thet dissapear. The redhead walked up "I think i'm the smartest girl in the world" Poof! The brunette walked up "I think i'm the prettiest girl in the world" Poof! The blond walked up "I think..." Poof!

 

(Sorry if offensive,I'm a blonde myself.Sorry AJ )

[Trickiert 150]

You can’t have vision without two i’s.

[ovr9000percentcooler 107]

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

[Frith is Magick 1,471]

A man went to a doctor because he is constipated. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man that his bowels don't seem to be working properly, to which the man replied "no shit".

 

A man was in a car crash and found to be at fault. He tried to sue the other driver for crippling him, but the judge decided that he didn't have a leg to stand on.

[lomk 20,663]

My brother said this the other day

 

If you're attacked by clowns, go for the juggler

 

Get it? Juggler? Jugular? 

 

Yeah I know it's terrible

Edited December 6, 2013 by ~Sadistic Luna~

[Frith is Magick 1,471]

Ponies liking artillery is cannon.

 

Why has nobody created a shipping with a boat?

[long gone 8,929]

EVGA released a PC case called the Hadron Air. So, if something were to hit it, then that would make it a...

 

 

Hadron Collider.

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

Two youngsters looking for romance caught sight of each other across a pit. They fell in love.

No I'm no alright, I'm half left.

It's raining cats and dogs, don't step in a poodle!

 

...okay, here's some war rations food for fought.

 

As a Northeast-European cannibal, I've been eating swedes all my life, I need to take a leek.

No ale? Aw, that feels so bitter.

 

Don't hit the backs of people with tenderloins!

I didna ask for chicken meat, laddy, there must be me steak.

 

Jellied eels can make other snakelike fish jealous.

Fish do love FPS games, especially cod.

 

One time for breakfast, I just mixed flour with eggs and milk in a frying pan because I'm a crepe. Also, I once melted some cheese on a slice of bread and succeeded, it really was a rarebit of fine cuisine.

You might eat drugged cobblers if you wanna feel stoned.

 

NSFW (I swear I didn't even know there was a pudding named like this until now)

Ponies like me may like spotted dick for dessert.

 

Edited December 10, 2013 by Feather Spiral

[long gone 8,929]

[Sunlight 357]

[SanityNotIncluded 335]

Finally got to say this

Q: Why don't people like clopfics?

A: Because there are too many plot holes!

 

Now to examine Uranus

-Uranus as a (w)hole needs to be wiped out

-Uranus has a ring

-Uranus is surrounded by methane

-Uranus is a gas giant

-I use a telescope to spy on Uranus

- Hey Princess Luna, what's big round and blue? Uranus!

-Uranus is over 55 million miles wide

-People have always looked up to Uranus

-As an astronaut, I wish to someday explore Uranus

-Uranus is the butt of bad puns

 

Here's another one. Spoilers for people's innocence.

Where I live, we have a brand of bread called 'Mias', which we pronounce as 'My arse'. So...

 

-Every morning, I put Mias in the toaster

-Then I cover Mias in butter and jam

-I make sandwiches with Mias

-And for the worst... One day I got a dirty batch of bread, and I found hair in Mias.

 

 

 

Gosh, that had an odd focus on butts didn't it? However, I'm sure many will find cracks in my reasoning.

Edited December 13, 2013 by SanityNotIncluded

[long gone 8,929]

[Frith is Magick 1,471]

Doughnut mess with a Scotsman's pastry.

 

Did you hear about the Scottish comedian? He kilt the audience.

 

Spoilered for semi-inappropriate content.

 

How did the Scotsman feel when he was caught with his lover? Sheepish.

 

Did you hear about the Scotsman accused of bestiality? He's on the lamb.

 

 

Why are sheep hard to fool? You can't pull the wool over their eyes.

 

Did you hear about that new plant-based fabric? It really cotton.

Edited December 13, 2013 by Frith is Magik

[long gone 8,929]

I've worked really hard on it, but I've thought of my New Year's resolution.

 

1920x1080.

[Frith is Magick 1,471]

What do you say to calm down a nervous guitarist? Don't you fret.

 

A fight broke out at a concert hall. Don't these people know that violins won't solve anything?

[PixelSketch 11]

What did the cop atom say to the criminal atom when he got out of prison

 

 

 

 

Ive got my ION you

 

get it ion as in atoms

 

fAiL

[lomk 20,663]

You shouldn't trust atoms. They only make up everything.

[Tigerpop198 696]

How did Moses make his tea.Hebrew'd it.