OC reviews from me. (CLOSED)

[-BleachedOne- 233]

Descant referred me to you, thought I'd ask ya to check out my OCs Arctic Frost and his sister Crossfade to see how they are in your eyes. To me, they seem...lacking. Just a touch. I'd like some suggestions to how I can make them...better, if at all possible.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/arctic-frost-r2561

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/crossfade-r3005

Edited July 19, 2013 by Seraphim

[Blue Moon 6,341]

Eh, what the hell.  here's an oc i made with pencil and graphite. she has no backstory cuz im terrible at writing. and its for RP's so it depends on the setting of the RP. but that doesn't madder hope you like her

 

 

Name: Ace O' Spades

 

Cutie mark: Ace of Spades

 

Talents: Cards, Poker, being smart when Gambling

 

Hair: Brown

 

Pelt: Tan

 

Eyes: Brown

 

Personality: Chill, Can be competitive when gambling, Social, daring and confident *when gambling*

 

Clothes: brown and green plaid scarf *doesn't show in the drawing sorry*, Black Barrett

 

also check out my other OC in my sig

OC: Ace O' Spades  Owner: PelateOvercast

 

I'll start with the design. Well, since the picture is not in color, I'll have to imagine the color scheme from the written description. Well, tan and brown look good together, so I can't really complain about the color scheme. I guess good job? The scarf color seems like it would work, and I like the beret. Speaking of the beret, you need to fix a technical error in the description. That headwear is spelled "beret," not "barrett." Barrett has something to do with guns; a beret is the type of hat on your pony. So, fix that to prevent confusion. But overall, it seems to be a pretty design.

 

Next: the personality. Well, you give a pretty good explanation of her personality when gambling (which is a nice subtle flaw), but I would like to see if she is any different when she isn't gambling, or at least go more in-depth with her non-gambling side. So, try doing something with that. I also have a suggestion for the gambling side of her. Try going more in-depth with her daring and competitive side. Does she often run out of luck when she risks something? Does she let her competiveness get the best of her or does she keep her cool (though you did say chill at the beginning, but more elaboration on the competitive side of it would be nice)? Is she overly confident or a good type of confident? These are all good questions to ask yourself about your OC's personality.

 

Finally, the backstory. Well, since you don't have one, I can't review it. However, I highly recommend making one. Backstories are very important with OCs. They don't need to be complex and extremely detailed backstories if you can't do that (though they are nice, but don't go beyond your writing capabilities unless you want to); you just need to explain the backstory in a fairly descriptive and sensible way, and you should be fine.

 

Overall, an OC with a good design, a personality that needs a bit more, and needs a backstory.

 

Grade: C+

 

 

OC: Pelate Overcast  Owner: PelateOvercast

 

I shall begin with the design. It sounds good from the description, but like before; I'm not too sure. Blue and Gray-blue usually go together fairly welI, so I guess good job. The mane looks nice though. Can't really say much more.

 

I'll continue with the personality. Well, you have a promising start, but it needs more. I think you should focus more on his traits, especially serious and creative. Without any other explanation, those two traits feel kind of...odd together. Try describing how these two traits work together, and go more in-depth. As for cautious, I think adding a reason why would be nice. Finally, for competitive, I think you should add what he is competitive in, and how it affects his character. He doesn't seem like an athletic-type (I could be wrong though), but he is an art pony, and I think you should base his competitiveness on that. Go more in-depth with that, and the personality should be much nicer.

 

Lastly, the backstory. Well, I have a few problems with this part. First off; an error in the beginning. You say he has a crippled wing, yet he can fly for 10 minutes. If you ask me, that seems like an awfully long time to be able to fly. Try shortening it down to maybe 30 seconds or less. The next part is overly tragic and unrealistic in my opinion. Not only is having the other schoolponies tease and push him around overly tragic, it's unrealistic too. Kids are smart enough to know not to push the injured around, and would most likely never do that. Also, why is even doing exercises anyway? He would have probably had a doctor's note saying he couldn't do the exercises and is exempt from participating. Seems kind of unrealistic to me. As for the Ms Cheerilee part of his life, that doesn't make any sense either. Most children are pretty normal and smart, and wouldn't tease a crippled person, let alone hurt him. There may be a few who tease him, but none would hurt him, and if they did; the teacher or some other adult would definitely take action. Next: him getting his cutie mark. You didn't explain at all how he got his cutie mark which is something required. I highly suggest writing how he got his cutie mark. Finally, one of his friends asking about his art. First of all, who is this friend anyway? You spent a lot of time in the previous paragraphs explaining how everyone bullied. Now, I like how this part is realistic (everyone has at least one friend), but you need to elaborate on it more; especially when you described his social life like you did. A quick little suggestion here too: you could have him earn his cutie mark from showing his artwork to the other students, and him getting a lot of praise.

 

Overall, an OC with a good design, a personality that could be elaborated on further, and a backstory in need of a lot of fixes.

 

Grade: C-

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/lighting-flash-r3812

This is my first and probably will be my OC. As you can tell, I'm not really good with giving a good backstory or anything like that. Hope you like it.

OC: Lighting Flash  Owner: lighting flash

 

To start off this review; I'll begin with the design. Well, there are quite a bit of issues with it. First off: the height. He is way too tall. If you want to make a pony look tall and normal, don't go all out with the height. Just a subtle little increase in the height goes a long way. Next issue: the horn. Even with the tall height, that horn is not proportional to the rest of the body, and a little horn will work just fine. My next issue is with the eyes. That eye style looks weird, and most of the characters in the show have the standard eyes. I suggest just using a normal eye style. I also have a problem with the cutie mark. It is too detailed and complex, and because of that; it ends up sticking out badly from the rest of the pony. Try using a less complex cutie mark that is in the show's art style. Finally, my last issue is the color scheme. Now, don't worry about the coat color, but the mane's color scheme needs some work. Those colors are way too bright, and need to be toned down a bit. Then, it should look a bit better. I do have another suggestion, but it's mostly technical. I think you were trying to spell "lightning" but ended up spelling it as "lighting." I could be wrong though.

 

Next: the personality. Well, shy and crazy are not known for being used together. Simply put, one is contradictory to the other. So, either come up with a reasonable excuse on why this is, or replace one of them with a trait that makes sense. Besides that, it would be nice for you to go more in-depth with the individual traits, especially the psychopathic one. Also, some more traits related to film would be nice as well as more traits in general.

 

Finally, the backstory. Now, there is nothing wrong with having adopted parents in an OC, but nightmare seems like an odd word to use. He's never met them before, and should most likely just be wondering if things had been different, or just simple dreams. There isn't really a reason for him to have nightmares. Also, I think you should go more in-depth on how he got into film, and maybe elaborate on how music went for him and how he messed up. Overall, it should have a bit more details to wrap everything together. Also, you should explain why he never learned to control his magic which is something most unicorns learn. And, I never was fond of major character relationships with OCs, and this is no exception. I think you should lower the amount of canon ponies in the backstory, or just exclude them period.

 

Overall, an OC that needs a lot of design fixes, a less contradictory personality, and a more in-depth backstory.

 

Grade: C-

Edited September 16, 2013 by Blue Moon

[Blue Moon 6,341]

@@Blue Moon,

 

Sure. Just have a look at my signature. Now, I would like to state that my OC is not meant to be somepony spectacular, just a regular guy. :3

OC: Fender  Owner: Becker (Fender)

 

I'll begin with the design. Well, I like it. For the gray part; that color is fine, and for the mane; there is the rare case where do bright colors surprisingly go well together. The brown and yellow look great together, and complement the coat nicely. Overall, I don't have any issues with the design, and you did a great job with this part.

 

Next up: the personality. Well, you did use a few cliche traits, but like I always say; you can use those as long as you use traits besides that. And you did just that. I like how he has a very believable and likely personality that could fit easily into the show. He actually kind of reminds me of me. So, he's pretty easy to relate to for an OC. He has a bunch of different sides to him; both positive and negative. The hopeless romantic part was a nice touch as well. I guess my only criticism would be the lack of mentioning any interests. I know you mentioned this in the backstory, but it would be nice to have it here as well and perhaps go a bit more in-depth with it. But overall, great job here as well.

 

Finally, the backstory. Now, a lot of backstories with tragic events such as the one for Fender usually don't have much reasoning behind it and it ends up being unnecessary. However, you did it in a way that was crucial to your OC. Because of the death of his parents, he has to go to Canterlot where he earns hit Cutie Mark. But, I do have a quick suggestion. Try explaining how he survived the fire. It seems pretty unlikely for a child to survive an event like that on its own. But overall, it's a good backstory that gets the job done well.

 

 

Overall, an OC with a great design, a great personality, and a good backstory that could explain a certain moment better.

Grade: A-

If you're up to it, here's a link to the one I made a little while ago. I don't have much art of him at the moment unfortunately, which is something I'm working on changing, but overall I like him a lot and I'd like to know what you think.

OC: Downpour  Owner: DashForever

 

Like always, I'll begin with the design. I can't say I have anything to complain about. It's a good design with a good color scheme (I've actually used the color scheme in one of my OCs too.) It's a good example of what kind of coat color you want to go for when you have a dark colored mane like you do. It's not overly flashy, and the mane style is pretty nice too. But there is something about the way you described the style of his mane that I love. Not only does describing his mane the way you did describe the design, but it gives a small glimpse into his personality. It really is a nice touch. I also like how his cutie mark represents a normal pegasus talent. So overall, I don't really see anything wrong here, and there are a lot of things I like.

 

Next up: the personality. Well, at first it seems like your OC's personality is pretty much the same as Applejack's, but then you add some elements that I recognized from Pinkie Pie, and a few that were unique. This ends up giving him a very unique and well-balanced personality. I like how you focused on all his traits and went in-depth for each of them. It gives a crystal clear depiction of his personality for the viewer. I also like the little touch that surrounding ponies usually get bothered by his singing. I also like how he has a reason for his singing, because otherwise; it seems pretty unlikely to me that he would start singing on his own accord. Although, it would be nice to see a little bit of background for why this travelling musician left an impression on Downpour in the backstory section somewhere. Doesn't need to be much, but a little bit would be nice. Your call. But I shouldn't get too much into backstory when I'm discussing personality section, so let's start the backstory now.

 

The backstory. Well, I like how you made his birth special, but realistic and not overblown. I especially like how this has barely any effect on his life. They all go back to their normal lives, and it's more or less treated like a normal birth. I also really like the rest of the backstory. It seems like it would be tragic in an unnecessary way, but not once does it drastically change Downpour's character, and it actually ended up making him a harder worker which is definitely gave purpose to the previous events in Downpour's life. I also like how he ended up getting his cutie mark at the end, and it was a great way to end the backstory. The backstory did what it was meant to do, and it kind of reminded me of the Mane 6 cutie mark backstories as they were all special, but were realistic and ended up helping them earn their cutie marks.

 

Overall, an OC with a great design, a great personality, and a great backstory.

 

Grade: A+

My OC? http://cherrypie-chan.deviantart.com/art/I-m-Chehwy-pih-mor-chehwy-cobbwah-374302566 Please don't be too critical for me, please. I'm really sensitive about her. She was my first one.

OC: Cherry Pie  Owner: Cherrypie-chan

 

I'll start with design first. Hmm, a foal OC. Well, she's cute. However, I have a few issues with her color scheme. You decided to go with three colors for the mane which is hard to do, but luckily; you did fine with it for the most part. But now for the issues. In my opinion, the coat color should be toned down a bit. Not too much, but enough to make it pastel colored. Also, the red in the mane is really bright, and also needs to be toned down a bit. Like the coat; not too much, but just enough. Other than that, it's pretty good.

 

I can't really review anything else due to the fact that she doesn't have anything else. I know it's hard to tell the personality for a baby, but a little something would be nice. As for backstory, I'm guessing she doesn't really have one yet, but giving the parents and how she was born would be nice.

 

Overall, a cute OC that needs a few edits to the design, a personality, and a backstory. Granted, the last two aren't exactly needed for a foal, but something would be nice.

 

Grade: C+

Edited July 24, 2013 by Blue Moon

[Fender 1,283]

@@Blue Moon, 

 

Yay!

 

I got what I wanted and expected for what I gave. When I requested, I knew that it needed a bit of renovation in some areas, but I figured I'd leave it where it was when I requested to see what I'd get for that. c:

 

Guess when I have a moment, I have some work to do on that.

 

 

EDIT: @@Blue Moon, There, updated. Added a bit on that should improve what was already there. It's a change, albeit a small one, but it should definitely be an improvement. 

Edited July 23, 2013 by Becker (Fender)

[Blue Moon 6,341]

@@Blue Moon, 

 

Yay!

 

I got what I wanted and expected for what I gave. When I requested, I knew that it needed a bit of renovation in some areas, but I figured I'd leave it where it was when I requested to see what I'd get for that. c:

 

Guess when I have a moment, I have some work to do on that.

 

 

EDIT: @@Blue Moon, There, updated. Added a bit on that should improve what was already there. It's a change, albeit a small one, but it should definitely be an improvement. 

I edited the original review in accord to the update in the OC character profile. It was a nice addition to the profile, but there are still a few errors with other parts of the OC.

Edited July 23, 2013 by Blue Moon

[Colt 555]

First of all thanks a lot for the time you put into reading my characters and writing down what you thought of them It means a lot that you put your efforts into this and I really appreciate this from ya.  

 

 

Overall, an OC with a great design and personality, and a backstory that doesn't need some parts of it.

 

Well as you say he seams a little bit over powered... and yes he is, in part thats the reason I have been working on a side fic that describes legends from the past Equestria that would become part of their stories. So yea he is like that because he would face adventures of transcendental consequences 

 

 

 

Overall, an OC with a fantastic design, an unbalanced personality, and a good backstory.

 

 

You are right when you said she lacked the description of her bad side, I forgot to write it for whatever stupid reason on her first go but now it is there, as you said I hope this helps to give her more dimension and add some more to her possibilities for her character development. 

 

Thanks once again for this words It helped me to improve their descriptions and also encourage me to enrich their profiles, In the future if you ever have a little less of a waiting list I would like you to read about another set of characters Im developing for my story.

 

Keep being awesome 

[Fender 1,283]

 

 

The issue with his lack of explanation for his decision to leave Canterlot is still there.

 

 

Shouldn't this be explained now?

 

I might go ahead and try updating it again...

 

*Several minutes pass*

 

K, now I updated the backstory a bit more. c:

[Sectus 246]

This is my OC Littlesec, Sectus, etc. He's supposed to be a representation of myself in the pony world. I envision him in my head and slightly breaking walls due to his love of fanfiction. He has a very pessimistic attitude and often writes reviews of stories he reads.    

 

He's the same OC from my avatar!

[Mand'alor Dash 2,224]

This here is Spearhead. She's more of a concept character than a traditional "ponysona". I originally designed her for a fanfic I ended up scrapping, but have since adapted her to be the protagonist in another project of mine.

 

Originally, she was a hard-boiled Equestrian secret agent who is fiercely loyal to her country, and would often tread the thin line between right and wrong in her defense of the Equestrian way. In her new role, she's an agent with Nature and Science of Equestria, a very controversial government agency locked in a brutal shadow war against massive corporations and ruthless criminal empires. After something happens to change this, she is forced to question her loyalties and unravel a greater conspiracy eating at the very heart of Equestria.

 

Her cutie mark is the tip of a spear. It symbolizes her devotion and perseverance.

 

 

Edited July 24, 2013 by Mandalore Dash

[Blue Moon 6,341]

 

 

Shouldn't this be explained now?

 

I might go ahead and try updating it again...

 

*Several minutes pass*

 

K, now I updated the backstory a bit more. c:

 

Okay, I edited the review a bit.

 

 

 

Posted Yesterday, 07:26 PM First of all thanks a lot for the time you put into reading my characters and writing down what you thought of them It means a lot that you put your efforts into this and I really appreciate this from ya.  

 

 

 

Your very welcome!

 

 

 

Well as you say he seams a little bit over powered... and yes he is, in part thats the reason I have been working on a side fic that describes legends from the past Equestria that would become part of their stories. So yea he is like that because he would face adventures of transcendental consequences 

 

I guess that makes sense then.

 

 

 

You are right when you said she lacked the description of her bad side, I forgot to write it for whatever stupid reason on her first go but now it is there, as you said I hope this helps to give her more dimension and add some more to her possibilities for her character development.    Thanks once again for this words It helped me to improve their descriptions and also encourage me to enrich their profiles, In the future if you ever have a little less of a waiting list I would like you to read about another set of characters Im developing for my story.   Keep being awesome 

 

Okay, I went back and edited Emi's review. Hope you find it satisfactory.

 

I'm glad I was of use to you, and was able to encourage you to enrich their profiles. Those words really mean a lot. I'll be more than happy to review any other OCs you may have whenever you decide to request them

this should be interesting

can you rate my OC isaac clarke?

here are some pics:

isaac OC.jpg

 

and another:

isaac OC 2.jpg

 

and here you have a link to his profile: 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/isaac-clarke-r3534

OC: Issac Clarke  Owner: repsol rave

 

Well, ponies with that type of armor aren't common in Equestria, but I will admit it looks good. However, it isn't original, and is just a ponification of an already existing character from the Dead Space games. You can't just ponify someone else's creation and call it yours because of it. If you have to have a Dead Space themed pony, make it original. Don't steal.

 

Nonetheless, I'll continue the review with the personality. There isn't a lot here. All we know is he is reclusive, and can be a leader. Admitably, these are balanced, but you need more. Right now, Issac is very shallow, and we barely know anything about him. Try adding about four more traits, and make sure to go in-depth for all of them. And don't forget his interests. Interests help shape a character and make it more believable. 

 

Finally, the backstory. Well, the backstory is good and detailed. However, it isn't yours. You didn't write any of it, and just copy-pasted from the following link:

http://deadspace.wikia.com/wiki/Isaac_Clarke

Don't plagiarize. This is a thread for reviewing original characters made by you. Regardless of that, the backstory doesn't even make sense in the MLP Universe. Try to relate it to Equestria in some way if you decide to make an original Dead Space-based MLP character.

 

Overall, an OC with an admittedly good, but stolen design, a shallow personality, and a stolen backstory. Don't steal.

 

Grade: F+

 

Hey! Umm..I know you've been dealing terribly with butthurt reviews, but if you review my OC, I won't complain. I'll make the changes immediately! 

^__^ 

I made this OC a week ago, and i've been trying to get other people to make art of her to make her official. But nothing is more important than a review from somebody who knows what a decent OC is!

Okay...

Her name is Hollyhock (it's a flower hehe XD)

 

Talent:  Ability to bringing dead plants to life again...  but nothing big, more like flowers, or tiny trees as far as her weak magic goes. She is a filly, so that's just a spoiler of her future talent. I'm not sure if it's a likable talent or not, but that's why i'm here and that's to improve my OC. x3

 

Personality: She is really timid, but not too timid. Sounds cliche, but she is really outgoing around her friends. 

 

A little about her: She has a fear of the dark, like a huge fear. She has to sleep with a nightlight on at all times, or she'll freak out. It became apparent at her school as well, when one day during a storm, the schoolhouse had a power out. Hollyhock freaked and huddled under her desk with her eyes closed the whole time, so every now and then a couple boys at her school would tease her for it but not in a bad way.

 

Here's a picture of her, if you have anything you feel I should change, feel free to say so!

 

 

 

OC: Hollyhock  Owner: Nature of Fluttershy

 

First off; the design. Aww, she's adorable! I really like the color scheme, and the colors match very nicely. Light Pink with a not-too-dark pink look nicely, and nothing in that aspect stands out. My only issue is the star thingy by the ear (I have no idea what they are called.) The color is a bit obtrusive, and I suggest either toning it down a bit, or picking a color that goes better with the color scheme. I also noticed her mane is rather messy. I think this is a good oppurtunity to implement a little touches. Little details are nice little things that really make an OC look good. I think you should say that making her hair look good isn't important to her, or you could say that her hair is messy from all the gardening she does, and she cares too much about her plants to worry about something like hair. That could help the personality a bit as well. Finally, her ability to revive plants. Now, she isn't a foal, so you can't use the "magic outbursts" excuse. Reviving plants is way too overpowered. Plants are life too, and even when small; bringing life to the dead is something no pony known so far is able to do. So, it makes zero sense for a filly to be able to do it even when it is her special talent. I recommend using something more realistic for her talent; something related to plants of course.

 

Let's continue the review with personality. Well, right now, Hollyhock's personality is really shallow and doesn't give a lot. But since you are aware that her current personality is cliche, I'll assume that you want some help picking out traits. Well, for starters, you could use the trait I suggested in the design section. Then, you could base off the rest of Hollyhock on that. Make sure to implement traits related to gardening as well. Perhaps "green thumb?" You could also say that she is a bit insane when it comes to plants, and treats them like actual ponies, and talks with them as well. Perhaps the occasional picnic with plants too? This could be another reason why she is teased a bit. Although this is a bit obvious, make sure to say that she has a interest in plants or gardening.

 

Finally, the backstory. Well, the fear of the dark is a very nice touch, and it's pretty adorable. I like how the other colts playfully tease her, but it would be nice to show her reaction to the teasing. Is she a sensitive pony and gets upset? Or, is she a pony that can take a joke? Make sure to answer those questions. But my main issue with this backstory is how empty it is. All it does is explain one event in Hollyhock's life (I really like that name.) Try adding more events, and how she was born. Then, it should be much better.

 

Overall, an OC with a great design that just needs a little edit, a shallow personality, and a rather empty backstory that doesn't explain much else besides one event. 

 

Grade: C+

Man! Your reviews look awesome! Could you please review my OCs as well, please?~ :3

 

Lume is my main one, and I just recently finished polishing Sophie 'of Platinum', the zombie pony. That was a crazy idea I had last night and I wanted to see if it worked. Anyway, review whichever you fancy (even though I'm more interested to know what people think of my zompony), or even both of them if you're up to it.

 

I'm completely open to critics and suggestions! Take your time, and thank you in advance!~

OC: Lume Greenpark  Owner: Lume~WMJ

 

I'll start with the design. I have a few complaints about this part. First off; that little tan part on the muzzle. It looks weird, and it's usually best to just keep the coat design a solid color. Plus, it doesn't match with the rest of the color scheme. So, I suggest just removing it completely. Second issue: the exposed hooves. In my opinion, that is a masculine body feature and it seems odd to me to have it on a mare. Besides that, it looks out of place on her legs, and just looks weird. I recommend removing that as well. Moving on to the next issue: the color scheme of the coat and mane. The orange part is too vibrant and dark, and I highly recommend toning it down, and making it a bit lighter. It should go much better with the mane then, and will be less obtrusive. I do like the mane though. The colors are pretty, and look nice together.

 

Moving on to the personality. I really like Lume's personality. For every positive trait, you implied a flaw in that trait that makes her more well-rounded and realistic. Also, her personality is very unique, and it's very rare I find an OC that's not shy. I don't see many personalities similar to this one, so good job with an original personality. It's quite interesting to see a leader-type character portrayed this way. Unfortunately, even though you got a lot of things right with this OC, you forgot a crucial part of any OC's personality: her interests. What does she like? What is she interested in? Rainbow Dash is interested with racing and flying, Twilight Sparkle likes books, Fluttershy likes animals, Rarity likes fashion, Pinkie Pie likes parties, and Applejack likes outdoor activies, hard labor, and apples. Try to come up with something she likes. You could even add what she dislikes as well for bonus points. Try using what you put in the backstory and the "other" section, and base her interests off those. You could even use those in the other categories if you wanted, but they belong in the personality section.

 

Finally, the backstory. Well, I thought that her being the daughter of the Mayor was a bad sign for this backstory, and you would make her a "Mary Sue" character with that particular detail, but luckily; you didn't and didn't focus on her dad being a mayor any more than she had too. It was nice to see how everything related together, and it was a simple backstory that didn't go overboard with anything. It stayed focuses, and got the job done. However, I noticed that there were a few personality traits in the backstory such as humble and others that should be added to the personality. Speaking of the personality, it would be nice to see you implement her personality more into the backstory; particularly her leader-like traits. It would be interesting to see how her personality affects her surrounding. 

 

Overall, an OC with a design that needs some edits, a great personality that is lacking in one area, and a good backstory.

 

Grade: B-

 

 

OC: Sophie 'of Platinum'  Owner: Lume~WMJ

 

I'll begin with the design. Well, I like the mane and don't have any issues with it (it reminds me of bacon), but I do have some issues with the color scheme for the coat. Now, I presume you were trying to go for a dried skin look when you used that skin type, but honestly; it would look better without it. It is important to not go overboard with these kinds of things, and the scratches and red eyes work fine. However, if you do want to do something with the skin; you could try this. Try making the orange a really pale, almost gray, shade of orange, and use that for the coat color. This should give an impression of old skin, and would fix the way too obtrusive coat color problem that is also an issue with this OC. If you won't go that pale; at least tone down the orange a bit.

 

Next up: the personality. I really like this personality. It is so unique and quirky (in a good way), and has lots of interesting sides. I also like how she has likes and dislikes. However, she feels more like a cannibal pony than a zompony. What I'm trying to say is that the only thing that distiungishes her from normal ponies is that she eats ponies. Now, I think you should add more zombie related traits to make her actually seem like a zompony. For example, you could go more in-depth with her twisted sense of humor, and say that she sometimes rips off her body parts and uses them to play pranks on other ponies. Being a zombie, she would be able to reattach them. It would be a nice twist.

 

Finally the backstory. Well, it works for a zombie pony, I guess. I like how you didn't use a canon character to explain how she became a zombie. It's always nice to keep OC's not too involved with major canon characters. However, I have a small suggestion. Try explaining her before zombie life a bit more. Perhaps her relationship with ponies when she was alive, and how it changed after she died. You could explain when she was born and her being raised a bit as well.

 

Overall, an OC with a design that needs a few edits, a more zombie-like personality, and a good backstory that could benefit from more explanation of her before zombie life.

 

Grade: B-

Edited July 26, 2013 by Blue Moon

[Lume WMj 228]

OC: Lume Greenpark  Owner: Lume~WMJ

*snip snip*

Grade: B-

 

OC: Sophie 'of Platinum'  Owner: Lume~WMJ

*snip snip*

Grade: B-

 

I knew it would be worth the wait.

 

Every single issue you pointed out about my characters (and all the other characters you reviewed before me, for that matter) was amazingly accurate. Now that I look back at them, I see what you mean about their designs and the other things that I missed and I totally agree with you. I find it awesome that you keep putting so much thought and consideration in each review after you've done so many. You should really make a job out of that~

 

Anyway, I will edit my OC's with your suggestions soon. Thank you so much for taking your time to review my characters! 

[Blue Moon 6,341]

I knew it would be worth the wait.

 

Every single issue you pointed out about my characters (and all the other characters you reviewed before me, for that matter) was amazingly accurate. Now that I look back at them, I see what you mean about their designs and the other things that I missed and I totally agree with you. I find it awesome that you keep putting so much thought and consideration in each review after you've done so many. You should really make a job out of that~

 

Anyway, I will edit my OC's with your suggestions soon. Thank you so much for taking your time to review my characters! 

That honestly means a lot to me. I'm very happy you find my reviews helpful and accurate, and I'm glad you think all of my reviews are just as helpful. I'm glad I could help you with your OC's. Good luck with editing them!

 

Well, I like to keep quality, not quantity in mind with the reviews. That's partially why I'm a bit behind on all the requests.

[Nomadic 210]

I would adore a review from you of my own OC Monks Hood:http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/monks-hood-r4031. I'm still having problems nailing down a personality so any help would be appreciated.

[Blue Moon 6,341]

Hey Blue, can you review my (fairly) new OC Star Play? Here is a link to her information.

I'm very happy for critiques and suggestions, so be completely honest with her. C:

OC: Star Play  Owner: Nova

 

Let's start with the design. Well, for the most part; it's actually a very well-designed OC. The mane is has pretty colors and is nice looking. The cutie mark is simple which is good for a cutie mark. However, I have a teeny issue with the coat color and the cutie mark. I personally think it should be lightened up just a teeny bit. Just a little though. I like the gray color you have, but right now; it looks more like Star is in a shadow rather than her natural color. As for the cutie mark, I also think that should be lightened up. Pure black almost never looks good and stands out quite a bit. So, I suggest just making it a very dark almost-black gray. But other than that, good job.

 

Next up: the personality. Well, her trait works well for her talent, but there needs to be more to her personality. Right now, she is very shallow. She definitely needs some flaws to round out her character as well as some more positive or neutral traits. It's important to make sure your OC is balanced. It's also very nice to go in-depth with the traits. You did a fair job doing this with the current trait, but make sure to do that with the other traits if you decide to add them. Try to pick traits that would make sense for an actress to have.

 

Finally, the backstory. Well, it does everything a backstory is supposed to do, but it's pretty simple at the moment. Her school career is fine at the moment, and doesn't really need anything else, but I have an issue where she is asked to play the role in that movie. Now, no movie director in their right mind would ask a random pony who has never acted in a movie before to play the star role in his movie. Try starting a bit smaller, and work your way up with different movies; each increasing in quality as she goes. Then, it would make more sense for her to be asked to play the role. But then again, you should probably just have auditions instead of her being asked. Finally, I have a little suggestion that would be a nice touch. Try ponifying movie names, and use those for the movies she plays in. You may want to edit the "Titanic" movie a bit by ponifying the name, and giving Jack a more pony-like name.

 

Overall, an OC with a pretty good design, a shallow personality, and a backstory that doesn't make a lot of sense in certain parts.

 

Grade: C-

[Fender 1,283]

I have another request! 

 

Blue, I need Candy Spirits reviewed so I can make improvements. :3 You always do such well thought out reviews, you're the one who must do it! 

[Blue Moon 6,341]

I have another request! 

 

Blue, I need Candy Spirits reviewed so I can make improvements. :3 You always do such well thought out reviews, you're the one who must do it! 

Sure, I'll do the review for Candy Spirits as soon as I finish the others.

 

Thanks for the complement as well!

[Mand'alor Dash 2,224]

Oh, a few more things I should mention about my OC before you review her.

 

In her older iteration, Spearhead was a real hardass. In my new interpretation of her, she's more of a smartass who exchanges immature jokes with her colleagues, but knows when it's time to shut up and get serious.

 

Without spoiling anything, as her story progresses, Spearhead gets less and less optimistic, to the point of questioning her own worth as a pony, but never completely hits rock bottom.

 

Finally, there are no special circumstances to her origin or backstory. She's an Earth Pony, not the Celestia-damned Dovahkiin. Anything physically special about the character is explained by the story, and never really "OP" in any way. In fact, most of it is considered pretty normal within the context of the setting. (Trying hard not to spoil anything here. )

Edited July 27, 2013 by Mandalore Dash

[Blue Moon 6,341]

Your reviews are pretty good. Do you mind doing my OC, Evening Glory? I am quite proud of her and I tend to update her backstory and add small things to her personality regularly. She isn't completely polished up but I'm getting there, although I'd like to know what others think of her and what shes really like. She's perfect in my eyes, so I'd like to see what I'm missing, and you seem like the perfect person to do so. 

 

You can find her in my signature. Thank you and good luck with all your other reviews that are waiting for you :3

OC: Evening Glory  Owner: Budding Night

 

I'll start off with the design as usual. Well, the mane is nice, and I really like the cutie mark. Actually, I don't really have many issues with this OC's design except for this. The coat color is way too dark. It may just be the way it was colored, but regardless; it looks very obtrusive in the picture. I highly suggest toning it down just a teeny bit. Not a whole lot; a little will do just fine. Plus, I think you were aiming for a darker color for the coat. You just made it too dark. But other than that, it looks fine.

 

Next up: the personality. Well, I have some issues with this. First one is that it is very similar to Fluttershy's. To keep her more original, try to come up with some more traits that differentiate Evening from Fluttershy. My second issue is her magic ability. You were very vague when you wrote that she defended others with her magic. We don't know how powerful she actually is, so she could accidentally be interpreted as overpowered. So, in order to prevent that, try explaining how powerful her magic actually is, and make sure to go into detail. For bonus points, you could write an example of when her magic ability simply wasn't strong enough to protect herself or someone else. This would be a great way of showing how powerful her magic is. Also, you may want to mention her interest in reading here.

 

Finally, the backstory. Well, it's detailed; I'll give it that. However, there are a lot of things I dislike about it. First off; the thing in the beginning about her being good at athletics, and liking to read. I don't like how reading was the most entertaining thing in the world to her. The way you write that makes it seem like that will be her cutie mark, but actually; her cutie mark is something completely different. Also, try elaborating on why she did terrible in school. That made no sense, especially when you just wrote that she loved to read. That should at least make her an average student if not more. You definitely need to elaborate on this. My second issue is her athletic abilities. They do nothing for the story, and it doesn't make sense. Why did she hate it if she did well? Either elaborate on that and give this whole part more importance, or just get rid of it. Currently, it isn't doing anything for the story. If you ask me; this whole part isn't that good, and I suggest coming up with something that better leads up to her finding the garden. Speaking of the garden; I actually like that part. I like how you used a realistic approach to her magic dealing with gardening. However, when she has to move is where I start to have issues. I really don't like it when she loses her memory. First off; no parent would do that so it's unrealistic. Second off; there are a lot of plot holes with her losing all her memory. Some memories are required for life, and picking just those two wouldn't help her case. So, I highly suggest removing the losing memory part. I have another suggestion that would work very well, but you may not want to do it. You could just have her move, and have her start a new garden there. After that, just end the backstory there. I personally think this would work best as it would get rid of a lot of problems, and it would get rid of the rest of the backstory which has a lot of problems with it. But if you don't want to do that, I'll continue with the backstory. Well, I guess up to where she meets Sterling Crimson the story is decent. However, I have a lot of issues when he comes up. First off; the guy in Ponyville who starts up a factory. This would most likely never happen, as the Mane 6 or the princesses would take care of it. Second issue: ponies don't have guns. Therefore, no pony could shoot a bullet at anypony. Besides that, you don't explain how he died. Nothing in this part makes sense, and I suggest getting rid of it. Next part: Sterling being killed. Now, ignoring that bullets don't exist in Equestria, if he died; he shouldn't come back. A kiss reviving him is unrealistic, and I suggest leaving him dead or don't kill him in the first place. Or, if you really wanted him to get shot, you could just have him wake up from his coma, and consider it a miracle. But overall, all of this is not needed, and doesn't make a lot of sense. So, I recommend removing it and ending the backstory like I said before. But if you really wanted Sterling to be in this backstory, you could have him meet Evening where she moves. That would work fine.

 

Overall, an OC with a design that just needs one edit, needs a more original personality, and has a backstory with a lot of issues.

 

Grade: D+

[Fender 1,283]

I need reviews for Candy Spirits, Cherry Pie, and Star Snare. :3

 

You know what do to Blue, and you do it the best!

[Emerald Claus 24,857]

I would like you to review 2 of my OC's Bloodrose and Emerald. They are both in my description. I have not done this before, so I'm particularly excited. 

[Colt 555]

I have to say sorry to abuse of your kindness but here are those other OC's i was talking off.

 

As part of my Fic project I’m developing a set of 4 OC's  that existed some point between the banishment of Nightmare Moon and its return (close to 700 years before the time of the Elements of Harmony) there was a dark time for Equestria and the rule of Princess Celestia. The times of peace slowly come with harsh efforts, conflicts and sacrifices. The princess couldn’t accomplish this alone, to bring peace to her realm and subjects she got the aid of 4 powerful and noble ponies. They came from around the kingdom from different origins and places but together they became the Guardians of the Realm and maintain peace over the land of ponies defending it against threats from outside and inside. Each one of them was commanded to protect each area of Equestria and because of that they were called The Four Corners. 

 

(The profile pictures of this OC's were made by http://to-nio.deviantart.com/ an awesome Mexican Brony Artist pls support him)

 

Faith Bastion of The South

 

The strongest earth pony the realm had seen to that day, forged by battles and conflict he was a veteran witch heart never lost kindness to every creature and devotion to his goddess. He protected the south and the peaks that divided Equestria from the wastelands.

 

All about Faith Bastion life could be summarized in two words: Devotion and Strength. As far as he can recall he was given a fiscal strength far beyond a normal earth pony he was recruited for the Royal Guard as a very young foal and indoctrinated in the ways of the military. He developed such passion and devotion towards the Princess of the Sun that he knows she was the one who gave him such strength and might (even she denied it every time he asked). Bastion was the first earth pony since the sister princesses took the throne to be a personal guard to them, he became a well known hero of the battles he took from the hoofs of defeat.

 

Over all of his feats in battle and heroic figure among the ranks Faith Bastion was always known for his kind heart and compassion shared among friends and enemies alike. He always followed the teachings of Celestia and believed that all creatures on the world deserved a place to live a happy life. He always took prisoners in battle and treat them with dignity never executed a single defeated soul and stood among the most honorable ponies in the battle field. As a earth pony he enjoyed the wild life and he was responsible for growing the flower garden that separated the towers of Canterlot’s castle.

 

 

 

Freedom Gale of the West

 

 

 

A once rebel and wild Pegasus Freedom Gale took Equestria by assault, able to fly faster than any other and with superb weather control this mare was shocked by the might of the other corners and joined them as the most faithful partner. She protected the west and its never ending forests.

 

Freedom Gale spend his early years among the savage creatures of the forests at Equestria west coast. Living a free care living was all in the filly mind until the chaos of those dark times in the shape of a battle caused a fire that burnt her home and friends. Since then she fought against the Equestrian forces keeping them away from the fertile lands and calming for the freedom of their lurkers.

She was taken down by the other 3 corners witch considered her a formidable opponent, they showed her that it was in the realms best interest to protect the life on every being and that the fire that turn her against Celestia was not an action from the alicorn rule. Since then she was trained and raised by the Corners and the Princess of the sun until 10 years after her training began she was named the West corner last and youngest of them all.

Gale is not very kind or polite around others, she is intimidated by new ponies coming near her and can be considered rude around them. Still she will always keep under her wing those who have been “acepeted” by her heart and will take care of them with strong passion

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hoarfrost Truth of the North

 

Born from the line of the Crystal Emperors Hoarfrost Truth once swear revenge against Celestia for the cold blizzards that diminish his people and sight. As he tried to fulfill his oath he fall pray of Celestia’s might and her care for its people having a change of heart an becoming the Corner on the north.

 

Said to be one of the few descendants of the Chrystal Empire line of the throne Hoarfrost Truth was born among the cold tundra near the peaks at the north end of Equestria. He was blessed with magnificent magical potential however the terrible sunlight reflected by the snow burnt his sight since a foal making him developed such potential using his magic as his eyes. Trained and proved by the equestrian military and the conflicts of the dark days of the realm he climbed over the ranks of the royal guard until he gain the title of guardian of the realm from Celestia herself naming him the north corner.

 

He is a pony of few but significant words, said to always speak truth and unable to pronounce lies. As a young foal he grew alone and survived as could on one of the most terrible environments in the realm, for years he hated Celestia for not bringing her warm light to the land in the north but as he became his personal guard he realized how much the Alicorn was for him the realm and the world. Because of his lonely foalhood someponies think he has a cold attitude towards those around him but the truth is he holds them dear in his heart.

 

 

 

 

Princess Ancora of the East

 

 

 

Born into the royal family with the divine blood of alicorn in her veins Princess Ancora was one of the few reasons that kept Celestia smiling after the banishment of Nightmare Moon. She found in her niece a fortress of hope to escape from all the terrible events the dark times brought to her realm. In exchange Celestia was like a mother for Ancora, always a caring teacher and a faithful friend that brought to her the joy and wonders of being an alicorn.

 

From Celestia Ancora learned the responsibility that her powers brought and becoming a symbol of hope and strength among all the ponies in Equestria. After witnessing how much pain and suffering the dark times brought to her “mother’s” heart Ancora decided to oppose evil face to face. Trained for 10 years by the best warriors, magicians, and strategists of Equestria she was a force to be recon with and the first of the Four Corners to be named.

 

Her devotion to her mission is clear and for her there is few in life other than duty. Ancora left behind her years of a pampered princess to fight for the dream of her "mother". A world full of harmony love and friendship where the anypony can make their dreams come true. (Ancora its a word in Latin witch meaning could be taken as hope)

 

 

 

GROUP SHOTS!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 7, 2013 by Colt

[Misty Rose 3,216]

Hey there! I would love it if you review my OC Pink Mist! I made a couple tweaks based on recommendations from other reviewers and I want to know how I did.

Link to her profile is below my sig.

[Budding Night 1,043]

~snip~

 

Thank you kindly for the review, you truly are very good at doing this

Just to say, I see your points where you see for improvement but I'm not going to change anything. Half of her backstory is something that happened in a roleplay and I simply can't get rid of it. I do wonder if you read the notes in 'Other', though.

I highly apologise if that sounded rude, Thanks again for the review and good luck with all your ones to come. 

[Blue Moon 6,341]

Thank you kindly for the review, you truly are very good at doing this

Just to say, I see your points where you see for improvement but I'm not going to change anything. Half of her backstory is something that happened in a roleplay and I simply can't get rid of it. I do wonder if you read the notes in 'Other', though.

I highly apologise if that sounded rude, Thanks again for the review and good luck with all your ones to come. 

Your welcome, and thanks!

 

I read everything, but I'm still going to judge it as if it was a normal backstory. However, it's your OC, and entirely your choice if you want to heed my advice or not. So, it won't bother me in the slightest if you don't change anything.

 

Thanks for wishing me luck.

Edited July 30, 2013 by Blue Moon

[Grand_Finale 529]

Would you mind looking at Grand FInale in mi signature, and if you have time, Tarot as well?" that would be greatly appreciated!