captainborgue

Idiocracy and The Room. The first because I thought it was a comedy, unil it turned into a terrifying glimpse of the future, and the second because I could never figure out if it was the most brilliant satire to ever exist, or the single crappiest film of all time (Even worse than Deathbed: The Bed that Eats, and Zzyzzyx Road).

Um, does it matter? You enjoy it, I hate it. But, if you REALLY want to know...

Catcher in the Rye and pretty much everything by Falkner- but ESPECIALLY The Sound and the Fury. GOD, I hated that book.

"The Brothers Cabal", book 4 in the Johannes Cabal: Necromancer series. Heart!

*looks at gun cabinet made from repurposed grandfather clock* Oh bother. Lots to choose from in there... I really shouldn't play this game while watching Netflix, since my gun cabinet is right by my favorite chair.

I work emergency dispatch. After ten hours of not being able to swear at all ever- even when people are just SOFA KING STUPID- I cuss a blue sreak the instant I'm out of there.

Valence beamed. IT had been easier than she thought to find Sen's long lost sister. How fortunate! "Oh! What a wonderful surprise! I think he will be much happier knowing you are ok. What a lucky day today has been!" Valence said, all smiles. "It's not every day your average unicorn gets to fly, or a woody area goes all glowy, or there's a big fair, or you find somepony you have been looking for," Valence said, somewhat wistfully. If only it had been so easy to find Noir... but he was well and truly gone. Oh, well. Such was the way of things. "I'm happy things worked out so well. Oh, you are so adorable! MY daughter Nova would love you! Though she loves pretty much everything. Too bad her magical outbursts are a little too explodey. But we're working on that," Valence said, feeling herself slip into a ramble. "Ok, I just have to ask, what with being a scientist and having the requisite insatiable curiosity and all. Do longma hatch from eggs like reptiles, or are they live born like mammals? Or perhaps vivparous, so the eggs are retained within the female until hatching internally, then birthed as live young? Oh, so many questions!" Val said, squealing delightedly. "Oh, wait, hang on. Manners. I'm terribly sorry, I didn't introduce myself. MY name is Valence Bond. Who might you be?"

Valence rolled her eyes at the weird strangers. "Oh come on, there's no need for melodramatics. This isn't some isolated forest in the middle of nowhere, ten minutes in any direction takes us into the outskirts of Canterlot. Besides, why would I go bothering anypony else just for trinkets? I'm not sure how well you can see under that hood, but I'm not built like a brigand," Valence said, laughing. It was so ridiculous, to find herself in this situation. And she thought her days of adventuring had ended. "Now then- my friend there? We are looking for somepony who looks similar to him. Have you seen anypony like that?"

Been there. All the people saying "get social services to help you" or "panhandle for money and save up for an apartment"? Yeah, that doesn't work. For a few reasons. If you don't have a job, you don't get welfare. If you don't have an address, you don't get welfare. And good luck finding a job. Saving money? Won't happen- you can't cook, so it's either fast food (that shit adds up) or a camp stove (kerosene is expensive). Truck stop showers add up too. Doing laundry and a laundromat? Adds up. Going to a shelter? If you're a guy, tough shit- you are last in line. Panhandling? Any area where you could MAYBE get enough money to do anything with is taken- and if you think the other homeless are gonna let you horn in on their territory, good freaking luck. You get good at using baby wipes to 'shower' and shaving in restaurant sinks. Dollar menus become your life line. Sleeping in your car? Best find yourself a 24 hr walmart to park in- anywhere else and someone is gonna complain and the cops are going to roll up asking you why you are parked there at 3am. You sleep in dribs and drabs, a few hours here and there before driving off to the next place to park and nap for a while. You shave your head so your hair isn't greasy, you brush your teeth and shave your face in mcdonald's bathrooms. You don't let on that you're homeless, because the number of people who hate you vastly outnumbers the people who care. You own nothing- enough clothes you can wash everything you own in one load and stuff it in your trunk so it doesn't block the windows. You get a P.O. Box, so you have an address to put on job applications, and all your money goes towards your mobile phone bill so you can search for jobs and call want ads. You sign up for any place that will have you- which means either shit pay and shittier hours, or out and out exploitative scams. You take your car into the shop like clockwork, because if anything goes wrong on it you are done for. It's expensive to be poor- very, very expensive. More than you think, and more than you can possibly explain. And if you are mentally ill, it's even worse- those meds that keep your from being completely unstable cost a fortune. I don't have the answer to homelessness. All I know is that the first thing you lose is your dignity and self respect, and if you are very very careful, maybe you come through with a shred of your soul intact.

Valence slowly stirred- she had dozed off without even realizing it. There was an unfamiliar voice nearby, she couldn't quite make out what was being said. "Senlin? Is that you? You sound different," she said, getting to her hooves. "Sorry about dozing off, I just haven't done anything that precise in a while. Spellcraft can be tiring, especially super delicate stuff like that." No response. Huh. "Senlin? You ok?"

You should check out Game Theory on youtube. Takes a lot of math and stuff and applies it to video game things. Hilarity ensues.

"THAT IS NOT AN ACCURATE STATEMENT AT ALL," VLAD said, puzzled. "VLAD HAD TO USE TELEPORT DRONES TO RECOVER YOU FROM MAGITEK LAB, AND USE RUBBERIZED MALLARD EFFIGY TO INSULATE TELEPORT DRONE ELECTRONICS FROM DEFENSIVE FIELDS AROUND LAB. WAS VERY CLEVER OF VLAD TO DO," VLAD said, indignantly. Bee facehoofed. "Alright, I am not anywhere near enough to awake to deal with this right now. Tell you what, though- you can stay here tonight since it's super late, and we'll figure it out in the morning after coffee. Lots and lots of coffee," Bee grumbled. "In the meantime- you guys can brainstorm or whatever, just do it quietly. And VLAD, don't wake me up again tonight. I need sleep." "UNDERSTOOD. REM SUBROUTINE IN PLACE," VLAD said, as Bee's robotic eye pulsed softly. VLAD downloaded into the floor vacuum, so as to continue their discussion without being a nuisance. "REMOTE DOWNLOAD IS SIMPLE. VLAD WILL PROVIDE INSTRUCTIONS, GRANT WILL BUILD TRANSFER DEVICE ON TERRAN SIDE. VLAD AND BEE WILL CAST SPELL ON EQUESTRIAN SIDE. TRANSFER PROCESS REQUIRES BOTH. VLAD HAS MANY SUBROUTINES, CAN ASSIST ON BOTH SIDES EASILY. TRANSFER PROCESS IS PERMANENT, HOWEVER. ONCE TRANSFERENCE INTO ROBOTIC HOST BODY IS COMPLETE, ORGANIC HOST DIES."

Bee grumbled as her horn flared to life and magically reassembled her broken furnishings. VLAD was busy running GPS scramblers- it did not fancy either Twitch or Lab Tech being tracked to the apartment, after all. "The expression on your face says you have no idea why you're in my living room," Bee said, smiling in spite of how irritated she was. "So that makes two of us, at least. Or three, I guess," she said, glancing at Lab Tech. "TWITCH REQUESTED VLAD'S ASSISTANCE. PROTOCOL REQUIRED INTERVENTION." Bee sighed. "Ugh. Don't quote protocol at me, VLAD. That's not what I asked and you know it." "VLAD ALREADY EXPLAINED. TWITCH HAS TECHNICAL EXPERTISE, BUT LACKS RESOURCES. VLAD CAN PROVIDE THEM." Bee sighed heavily. It was pointless trying to argue with her construct. "Fine. Just do whatever it is you are doing quietly, ok? Like, remote download the necessary subroutines into an autonomous drone, so I can get some sleep." VLAD beeped acknowledgement. Remote download... what an excellent idea. "OPERATOR GRANT: SENDING SCHEMATICS FOR AN AUTONOMOUS DRONE DEVICE TO BE USED A REMOTE HOST FOR VLAD DATABASE SECTOR L UNITS 1-7. IT WILL ASSIST WITH THE COMPLETION OF INTER-DIMENSIONAL TRANSFERENCE INTO TWITCH HOST FRAME AND PROVIDE LOGISTICS AND RESOURCE MANAGEMENT FOR LUMINOUS." Bee never specified where to download, after all.

I'm thinking "three more hours before the range opens and I get to shoot the Hand Cannon!" *waits for freaking ever* "Two hours and fifty nine minutes! " http://i.imgur.com/4ezk9aB.jpg http://i.imgur.com/8KsPFq2.jpg

Valence laughed out loud. "Oh, yes, often. When she was still a baby, Nova would have pretty dramatic magical outbursts, though I'm lucky in that my parents helped out a lot and they had experience dealing with newborn magic, what with having had me and all. Now it's less like uncontrolled bursts of magic, and more that when she tries to use magic on something, it is more likely to burst into flame or pop like a balloon than whatever she was trying to do in the first place. She's still young though, and control only comes with practice."

((Sorry! Real Life has been most pressing as of late)) "Well to give fair warning, Nova's magic is a little more... exciting than most, even for a filly. I suspect that it's similar to mine in that it affects atomic bonds, but where I've learned to control mine to the point that I can form and break bonds, she only has the breaking part. And that tends to be a little more... loud and boomy and noisy and smoky than one would expect from a girl her age," Val said, giggling.

Kerrigan had already run through property contract law in her head before the rabbit had even finished speaking, and a quick burst of dragon fire sent a hastily written note to her attorney. Given the cultural value of Amber Crust's waterfront, and the existing property rights of the citizenry, AND the water rights already codified into law, it was highly doubtful this takeover would pass muster- worst case scenario it would be put to a vote at the local county seat, which she would be most vociferous about attending. Any sign of hostility for the time being would only tip her hand, so without a word, she took to the air and flew back to her little house. There was always some work or other than needed doing, after all.

VLAD hadn't counted on the noise of a mechanical equine landing in the living room, which startled Bee awake. "NOTHING TO WORRYING ABOUT, VLAD HAS THIS UNDER CONTROL. GUEST HAS BEEN TELEPORTED INTO APARTMENT IS ALL," VLAD tried to say, though its hoped for effect of calming Bee down did not at all work. "Wait, you WHAT?" Bee said, incredulously. "I get that you are autonomous when I'm asleep and all, but there's a bucking line, VLAD! What in the world could you possibly need to say to anypony face to face?!" "TWITCH HAS AGREED TO HELP VLAD BUILD A CONSTRUCT TO ACT AS A MATED PAIR TO LUSTER AS A MEANS OF MANIPULATING HER EMOTIONS IN A LESS GENOCIDAL DIRECTION. AS RISK OF DISCOVERY WOULD HAVE PUT PROJECT IN JEOPARDY, VLAD REMOVED TWITCH FROM HOSTILE SITUATION AS A SAFETY MEASURE." "You... what the... everything you said is insane! How is that even possible?! Where did you get such a ridiculous idea? How could- wait a minute. Wait just a bucking minute. Did... did you get this ludicrous insane idea by watching me and Drone? Is that what your plan was?" Bee said, incredulous, as she stormed into the living room to see Twitch lying in a heap, next to- Wait. Who the hell was that? "Okay, so, my onboard AI has been randomly teleporting ponies into my apartment, and I just woke up from a lovely nap next to a lovely stallion so I'm a tad grumpy, and not in a particularly good hostess frame of mind," Bee said, sitting down heavily. "Let's start with, why would VLAD think you guys were in such mortal danger that teleporting you into my living room in the dead of night would be a good idea?"

VLAD pondered over the possible meaning of "big guns" for a long time. Almost two full seconds, even. VLAD lacked seriously heavy weaponry, most of its defensive systems were designed to protect Bee, not kill an aggressor. That left a big fat 'zero' in the big guns column. However, getting Twitch out of the lab was comparatively easy. By using the same teleport-enhancing drones, VLAD could evacuate Twitch even through magical interference. The tricky part was getting those enhancer drones to him. Teleporting in was too risky- the amount of weaponry and/or erratic tech in there was an unknown variable with possibly lethal expression. There could be a gunfight going on in there, and teleporting in- grabbing Twitch- and teleporting out without injury- would be like running through a rainstorm without getting wet. Drone had an impressive combat skin, but VLAD was hesitant to contact Bee's paramour directly- it was super awkward last time, and VLAD didn't want to have to explain itself. VLAD's processors whirred furiously at it concocted a methodology that was mathematically sound and statistically likely to succeed. Lacking any real concept of humor though, VLAD was unable to find it hilarious when, five minutes after Twitch's message came through, a misshapen rubber duckie teleported into the lab, exploded far more violently than a rubber duckie has any right to, and six teleport enhancer drones- each roughly the size of an unstretched duckie in the first place- promptly buzzed around the room at top speed, collided with Twitch with a series of clanging noises, and powered on their enhancer fields. VLAD's receivers picked up the signal and initiated the transport sequence. Failing any better idea, the target was Bee's living room.

THIS. ALL OF MY WANT FOR THIS.

Nothing is ever black and white in life. Ever. Tell the ex-Army vet who pulls a knife on the guy yelling at his screaming toddler. Tell the retiree waltzing out of the grocery store with a full cart she hasn't paid for because she can't afford food AND medications on her fixed income. Tell that to the low level drug pusher who knows there's no other way for a kid from his neighborhood to make enough money for college. Tell that to the single mom who gets a ticket for a broken headlight that she can't afford, then goes to jail for failure to pay the fine. Are these people honestly worse than the bankers and brokers who tanked the entire global economy? And yet, it is these people who go to jail, often to for-profit prisons who have vested interest in maximizing their populations. Do you honestly think every single criminal act everywhere on Earth stems entirely from "they are just big fat fraidy cats"? Whenever anyone- ANYONE- tells you there's a "simple solution" to an issue, they are trying to push an agenda on you. Here's the actual reality: crime rates are down. They have been falling for about 20 years. Global conflicts are down, the planet has never seen this much peace and stability for as long as humans have existed. The big scary threats people are trying to conince you to be afraid of are NOTHING. There are no roving street gangs waiting to rape your children in the bathroom, there are no "super predator" gang bangers out to destroy all things Caucasian, there is no existential threat to America from a gaggle of semi literate shitheads on the other side of the planet. Stop being afraid, and stop convincing yourself it's anger and not fear you are experiencing.

I died. Seriously, I was actually, factually dead. Heart stopped and everything. I had gotten run over by an 18-wheeler, wrapped around the rear axle, and plowed into a ditch. I was under the thing for about two hours, and my heart stopped during the ambulance ride on my way to the ER. I was dead for three minutes. And then all of the numerous additional surgeries and stuff, too. But those aren't as immediately fascinating as "I died".

VLAD jolted back to conscious control as its various nanobot sensors started sending in critical condition events. Bee was fast asleep, all atangle in the bedding, as well as the limbs of her male companion, Drone. VLAD usually let her subconscious take over during sleep cycles, as the lessened level of activity made keeping her systems within specified parameters was much, much less taxing in terms of processing power needed. But this... the data feeds were bizarre, almost contradictory. Something catastrophic was happening. VLAD used some nanobots as signal relays to send a high priority alert signal to the only being that had proven to be helpful in its endeavors, or at least not openly dismissing them. "CRITICAL CONDITION SIGNALS RECEIVED. BETA PROTOCOL IS IN EFFECT. VLAD LACKS SUFFICIENT NANNITE MASS TO ESTABLISH FARRADAY FIELD OVER LABORATORY. EARLIER SCAN ATTEMPT OF TWITCH HARDWARE INDICATED PRESENCE OF NANNITE CAPABILITY. VLAD IS REQUESTING ASSISTANCE IN ORDER TO ESTABLISH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATIONS BLACKOUT TO PREVENT HOSTILE CONSTRUCT FROM TRANSMITTING TO TERRAN HOST SYSTEMS." It was a stall for time, and not a particularly good one. But if they could keep Luster from transmitting data, then perhaps a chatter-flood could be implemented to overload her with useless information, and in so doing slow her down enough to devise a Plan Delta contingency.