Terrible, Terrible Puns

[NeverNeverland 1,940]

So there's two best friends, one's a chemist and the other's a Metal head.

 

--

 

Chemist: So I was talking to this guy about how he should handle the Rhodium carefully-

 

Metalhead: Whoa... dude, what's Rhodium?

 

Chemist: It's a type of heavy metal.

 

Metalhead: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude... that's fucking heavy. Do they play Power Metal? What about Prog Metal?

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

A teacher and a pair of disembodied eyes walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them funny, so the teacher goes: "What, can't a teacher have a drink with his pupils?"

(source: Tony DiNozzo and Tim McGee, NCIS, dunno episode)

 

His face was drawn, but the curtain was real. (source: The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time, by Mark Haddon)

 

Oh, and

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a benevolent god, but it takes a sac of rice to appease him when he's angry.

Edited February 22, 2012 by Derpth Fader the Ponith

[Inactive01 5,298]

Luke and Anakin, how do you guys walk in the sky?

[Victoria and Co. 782]

I mustache you a question. May eyebrows your computer?

 

Why'd the spy cross the road?

He didn't, in fact, he never really was on your SIDE!

 

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

Where did the king keep his two armies?

Up his sleevies!

 

Okay, I'm done... I am SO very sorry...

[Arkane 269]

Dude: I wish I'd just taken engineering as my course.

 

Chick: Huh? Why?

 

Dude: Just so I can build a bridge to you heart.

 

---

 

Dude: Are you some kind of a twitter?

 

Chick: Huh? Why?

 

Dude: Because I want to follow you always.

 

---

 

Chick: I wish I was the rain and you were the earth.

 

Dude: Why?

 

Chick: So that at anywhere, you will always fall towards me

 

---

 

Dude: Are you a computer?

 

Chick: Uhh.. why?

 

Dude: Because I like turning you on.

 

---

 

Okay.. that's it.. I need to take a bath to wash of the shame..

[Tenor Clef 112]

Funny gasses. He He He

[Espionage 113]

1.) War does not determine who is right, only who is left

2.) Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One atom says to another, "I think I lost an electron," to which the first replies, "Are you sure?" The atom responds with, "I'm positive."

3.) I saw a Beaver Documentary yesterday. It was the best DAM documentary I've ever seen

4.) It's common knowledge than an irradiated cat has 18 half-lives

5.) Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

6.) A prisoner uses periods a lot when deciding what type of punctuation to use. It marks the end of his sentence.

7.) When a clown threw a pie at a policeman's face, he was charged for assault and batter-y.

 

So here's your seven deadly puns. Have fun with them.

[Osaka Bomb 39]

I walked into a pet store to look at the fish. I saw a beautiful girl who worked there feeding them. I walked over to her and made an attempt to flirt with her. She seemed disinterested, but I think she was just being koi.

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

Sirius Black: Harry, I must tell you a secret. I'm actually black.

Harry Potter: Are you kidding me?

Sirius Black: I'm sirius!

 

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn't wanna be spotted.

 

How does a man make coffee?

Hebrews it.

 

Can February march?

No, but April may.

 

Even as an egg, he was so cocky he got laid. As he grew older, his behavior turned downright fowl. But when he heard he was on today's abattoir rooster, he ran away like a chicken.

I called my iPod Titanic, it's synching now.

I scream "CONE".

After talking about computers for so long, I made my mother board.

Edited February 23, 2012 by Derpth Fader the Ponith

[Shankveld 4,945]

Jokes about girls on their period aren't funny. Period. ~

[Akemi Homura 7,680]

I changed my iPod's name to "Titanic".

 

It's syncing now.

[Legendary Emerald 622]

Mother/Earthbound punz

 

clevelandrock (12:49:51 AM): The UK: The best television programming? The best tea? Those are probably also true.

LegendaryEmerald (12:50:17 AM):I agree about TV.

LegendaryEmerald (12:50:25 AM):But Nestea > all else

LegendaryEmerald (12:50:35 AM):NintenTea is also pretty good though.

LegendaryEmerald (12:50:41 AM):It's an older brand.

LegendaryEmerald (12:51:14 AM):Much better than LucasTea.

clevelandrock (12:51:28 AM):XD

LegendaryEmerald (12:51:32 AM):There's also the orange drink

LegendaryEmerald (12:51:34 AM):PooTang.

clevelandrock (12:51:39 AM):XDD

LegendaryEmerald (12:51:51 AM):That's probably the single best Mother series pun ever right there.

clevelandrock (12:54:13 AM):I thought it was poontang.

LegendaryEmerald (12:54:23 AM):Well yeah

LegendaryEmerald (12:54:29 AM):but the pun still totally works.

clevelandrock (12:54:32 AM):Totally.

[Intriguing Individual 4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJGItzuFkEM

Haha! Anyone? Anyone?

[Keypassion 232]

The baseball player had a very high-pitched voice.

[Legendary Emerald 622]

9/11 jokes aren't funny. They're just plane wrong.

[NeverNeverland 1,940]

[Keypassion 232]

A guitarist was so Baroque, he robbed a music store and ran off with the lute. His percussionist friend took a drum and beat it.

[Inactive01 5,298]

Me: Where's your laptop?

Applebloom: What's a laptop? I got a Big Macintosh though

Edited February 24, 2012 by Derpity Derp

[WildCard 1,037]

I dropped my laptop of a boat.

It's a Dell, rolling in the deep

Edited February 24, 2012 by PonyPunk

[Mephala 2,633]

This. THIS.

Edited February 24, 2012 by PinkieDaShy

[NeverNeverland 1,940]

My reaction to the Derpy edits in the Last Round Up?

 

This is horse shit.

[Jadefire 2,796]

(I hope this hasn't already been posted)

 

I submitted nine puns to a joke contest, hoping at least one would win, but no pun in ten did.

 

*badum tish*

[Moosefullaeggs 543]

(More of a pickup line)

 

Hey, ya like raisins? How about a date?

[NeverNeverland 1,940]

Apparently, My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic has gotten a colt following.

[Moosefullaeggs 543]

Bowlart: "...I'll be Bach."

 

Moose: "I can Handel that."

Edited February 27, 2012 by Don Moose del Huevos