Should you only be looking to date if you're ready for marriage?

[ManaMinori 4,144]

Only two statuses exist on legal documentation, single or married.  In my opinion,  the time you begin dating is when you're looking to get married, to find mr. Or mrs. Right. Children and teenagers are unprepared, mentally, monetarily, and physically to handle marriage, let alone a proper relationship,  as it ends in drama, more often than not. Do you guys think that a person should only be seeking out a relationship is to scope the man or woman out, and get to know about them, their quirks, habits, family, etc. To see if they click as a potential marriage mate?

Edited May 15, 2017 by Nightmare Muffin

[Leave a Whisper 703]

Yeah. I mean how do you know if your well suited if you barely know each other?

[DJ Wolfe 5,320]

And furthermore, how would you know if he/she is the one?

[----- 476]

What if you want to be in a relationship, but you have already decided that you do not want to marry because you think the concept of marriage is ridiculous?

But yeah, you should get to know them first. Everything else would be stupid. 

Edited May 15, 2017 by Aya. K.

[Mesme Rize 15,681]

Oh, you mean the snow white strategy? I mean, her prince already knew by day one that she was the one.

 

[Kyoshi Frost Wolf 40,384]

That should be the entire point of love, finding the one person whom you feel is just right, marriage or not. Love is simply thrown around like a toy these days from a lot of people.

[Jeric 46,836]

59 minutes ago, Nightmare Muffin said:

Only two statuses exist on legal documentation, single or married.  

I am legally neither of those. You forgot a few official civil statuses (both State and Federal).

 I also could opine on the rest of the stuff you mentioned, but I'm not sure if the thoughts of a person who has had a successful long term relationship can offer anything of value here.

18 minutes ago, Aya. K. said:

but you have already decided that you do not want to marry because you think the concept of marriage is ridiculous?

Man I could rant for hours on some of the absurdities surrounding marriage, and I loved it for me. So you definately have a point. 

43 minutes ago, .Wolfe. said:

And furthermore, how would you know if he/she is the one?

A phenomenal question. In fact this is perhaps the best one posed so far, and I suspect not one with a simple answer that works for everything and everyone. You win the thread for the question that creates the deepest introspection. The answer to the OP's question is dependent on how two or more people answer it in unison. 

 

Funny. Who would have thought dating a human being with their own emotions hopes and dreams would be so complicated? Thank God marriage and love isn't as complicated as dating. 

 

 

[LunarShadow 397]

Yes, i think if your looking into being in a relationship you should be thinking about it long term. Starting a relationship on a foundation as stable as sand is destined for failure. That is why i actively avoid any sort of relationship because i know i am not in the appropriate position in my life to make a long term relationship work. There are too many variables currently and things can change at the drop of a hat. Once an individual is done with school, has a good job and a stable financial basis to work from is when i think is a good time to consider looking for someone to spend your life with. 

[Jeric 46,836]

8 minutes ago, DayShadow said:

Once an individual is done with school, has a good job and a stable financial basis to work from is when i think is a good time to consider looking for someone to spend your life with. 

I brohoofed your post because it generally speaks to an important philosophy of being ready, which I can 100% agree on. However, I've seen long term relationships start in college, and academic careers continue during stable relationships including marriage. 

It always depends on the individuals involved and whether they are emotionally mature enough to take on the specific challenges of having a lot on your plate. 

[LunarShadow 397]

Just now, Jeric said:

I brohoofed your post because it generally speaks to an important philosophy of being ready, which I can 100% agree on. However, I've seen long term relationships start in college, and academic careers continue during relationships and marriage. 

It always depends on the individuals involved if they are emotionally mature enough to take on the specific challenges of having a lot on your plate. 

I agree. I have heard of people that have gone on to marry there high school sweet hearts right after they graduate and they stay together there entire lives. Like you said it all comes down to how mature they are aswell as there priorities in life. Sadly the majority of those relationships fall apart. It also doesn't help that today's celebrities which kids look up too act like complete degenerates and glorify making rash and irresponsible relationship decisions.   

[Jeric 46,836]

11 minutes ago, DayShadow said:

I agree. I have heard of people that have gone on to marry there high school sweet hearts right after they graduate and they stay together there entire lives. Like you said it all comes down to how mature they are aswell as there priorities in life. Sadly the majority of those relationships fall apart. It also doesn't help that today's celebrities which kids look up too act like complete degenerates and glorify making rash and irresponsible relationship decisions.   

Yep. I've seen my share of friends from high school and college have marriages that led to divorce within the first few years. In almost every case there was some level of unpreparedness (financial or emotional) that led to the relationships demise. In one case it was substance abuse. In almost every case they had these assumptions of what marriage is. That cinema driven fantasy. 

My case is kinda odd, but it does speak to some form of maturity. I started dating my best friend from high school during early college after she asked me. We did get engaged a few years later, but we both had promising careers and financial security. We didn't get married until after we got our initial degrees. We did decide to have kids pretty soon after that though, which would have been a big mistake for most people. It certainly raised the level of difficulty of life a few notches, especially as we continued with graduate studies a little later on. 

I do not recommend that path to anyone else though since it was exhausting, even though we were mature enough to handle all the responsibilities. 

[LunarShadow 397]

1 minute ago, Jeric said:

Yep. I've seen my share of friends from high school and college have marriages that led to divorce within the first few years. In almost every case there was some level of unpreparedness (financial or emotional) that led to the relationships demise. In one case it was substance abuse. In almost every case they had these assumptions of what marriage is. That cinema driven fantasy. 

My case is kinda odd, but it does speak to some form of maturity. I started dating my best friend from high school during early college after she asked me. We did get engaged a few years later, but we both had promising careers and financial security. We didn't get married until after we got our initial degrees. We did decide to have kids pretty soon after that though, which would have been a big mistake for most people. It certainly raised the level of difficulty of life a few notches, especially as we continued with graduate studies a little later on. 

I do not recommend that path to anyone else though since it was exhausting, even though we were mature enough to handle all the responsibilities. 

Its nice to hear that despite the difficulties you faced you still managed to have a successful and fulfilling relationship and that it all worked out. Many people spend there entire life trying to find that special someone and others find it on there first go. When my life is all squared away and figured out i hope i will be able to have the same level of success as you have. Even though i am 18 the desire to one day get married and raise a family is always in the back of my mind. If there is one thing in this life i would work harder at than being a good husband is being a good father.  

[Leavemealone 547]

I think the point of the whole "dating" thing is to have some experience with people and be able to know several people before you really start looking for a lifelong partner, playmate, and friend. Divorce should never be necessary if you know what you are doing. 

I myself am dating right now and it is my 3rd girlfriend, and I find that it is definitely temporary. I hate to make assumptions, but this is only a person to hang out with and not to marry and have children. I am only seventeen and I find my peers already talking about marriage and having kids. 

I love the philosophical discussions that happen in this forum. 

[Jeric 46,836]

2 minutes ago, DayShadow said:

If there is one thing in this life i would work harder at than being a good husband is being a good father.  

That will serve you extremely well. I think that being a good partner and father requires a strong sense of selfless dedication. You seem to already understand that from go.

[Leavemealone 547]

1 minute ago, Jeric said:

That will serve you extremely well. I think that being a good partner and father requires a strong sense of selfless dedication. You seem to already understand that from go.

Honestly, nobody understands that as much as my father. After my parent's divorce, he has strived to become a better father. That is something every man should put at the top of his list. 

[Sassy Sweet 33]

First off, what is your definition of "dating"?  I know it may sound like a stupid question but apparently, it does have different meanings to different people.  Some people define dating as seeing other people in a non-committal way and say they are "in a relationship" if they are only seeing one person.  Others refer to just flirtatious texts and phone calls as them dating someone.  But anyways, to the point and regardless, the answer would be yes.  You, yourself, may be ready for marriage and someone else may be as well, but that doesn't mean the two of you would be able to make a marriage work between you.  You may find out you have different goals in mind, different ideas of just what marriage means, and say... even if you want kids, you may have different ideas on how to raise them, and what happens when your kids don't work out like they did in your head?  When you find out that your two-year-old is way smarter than you are and can get into every single thing that is baby proofed?  And do you even want someone who agrees with you all the time (and risk getting bored) or have someone who challenges you (and risk arguing all the time)?  And then what about really huge unforeseen circumstances no one wants to think about.  Serious illness or injury?

Marriage is not something to be taken lightly.  My husband and I have been together going on 15 years, only 5 of them married, 13 of those living together with 2 of those years be living with roommates.  Lol, we started dating in high school but it was soooo not the typical high school sweethearts love story.  We've probably been through most of the ups and downs possible in our relationship (including that one "hypothetical" about the kid being smarter than the both of us and having to change up our parenting styles).  We have some pretty major fundamental differences.  Politics, philosophical beliefs, hobbies, social styles... but we work in spite of it all because part of our bond was the fact that we built up trust and understanding through all the experiences we went through while dating.

1 hour ago, Aya. K. said:

What if you want to be in a relationship, but you have already decided that you do not want to marry because you think the concept of marriage is ridiculous?

But yeah, you should get to know them first. Everything else would be stupid. 

 

Eh... it depends.  The concept may be ridiculous to some but then there are some awesome legal benefits that come with it (and science has even proven physical and emotional benefits).  Why do you think same-sex couples fought so hard to be able to actually get married, not just be content to live with civil unions and domestic partnerships?  Outside of the whole, they damn deserve the same treatment but that is a whole nother topic. 

[----- 476]

1 hour ago, Sassy Sweet said:

Eh... it depends.  The concept may be ridiculous to some but then there are some awesome legal benefits that come with it (and science has even proven physical and emotional benefits).  Why do you think same-sex couples fought so hard to be able to actually get married, not just be content to live with civil unions and domestic partnerships?  Outside of the whole, they damn deserve the same treatment but that is a whole nother topic. 

 Adoption is actually the only reason for marrige I count as reasonable. I do not need a ring and documents if I know that I want to be together with someone (for the rest of my life), but should I want to have a child someday I most likely need to get married.

I can also see that it can have emotinal benifits for some. After all marriage counts as the highest status of relationships and it is still socially expected to get married, so doing it makes you feels less of an outcast. Not to mention that being in a relationship for a long time can be pretty hard and being married can give you more safety that your partner and you will continue staying together. At least that were some of the reasons why I wanted to marry when I was younger. ._.

When it comes to the topic of marriage, I actually like this video:

 

Edited May 16, 2017 by Aya. K.

[Dreambiscuit 8,142]

For me, the idea of dating and seeking romance has only one ultimate goal, and that is marriage. It's one thing to go out with someone just for the fun of it and spending time in company I enjoy, but I would keep my intentions clear if such was the case. I have a monogamous nature so for me this is the way to go. There's nothing wrong with having fun with someone as long as both parties are aware of what 'fun' is and what it is not. There's usually an unspoken sense of where things are going and as long as everyone plays fair it should work out okay. 

As for myself, I don't date frivolously and I don't enjoy playing the game unless I have a genuine emotional investment in it and, if all goes well, that's marriage.

[DJ Wolfe 5,320]

35 minutes ago, Dreambiscuit said:

As for myself, I don't date frivolously and I don't enjoy playing the game unless I have a genuine emotional investment in it and, if all goes well, that's marriage.

Well said. I find this notion convincing.

[SparklingSwirls 21,263]

I agree with Dreambiscuit. I think that dating "just to have fun" and without the intent of marriage is fine, so long as both people are okay with it. But if one person is expecting the relationship to lead to marriage, and the other person doesn't want to go as far, then it's probably not going to work out well... 

 

I get why people think marriage is unnecessary these days. Still, I think the point of this topic is more along the lines of dating someone with the purpose of finding someone to spend the rest of your life with, getting married or not. (Although personally I would like to get married, especially if I marry someone from another country, since I'd like to move abroad eventually ).

[KatonRyu 1,026]

I personally think the right time to start dating is whenever you feel like it, really. Sure, lots of teenage relationships don't hold but for the most part you'll at least learn stuff about yourself and others in those situations. The drama that may ensue from those relationships is annoying, but it will pass in most cases and you'll come out better. Aside from that, marriage isn't a goal for everyone. I've been with my girlfriend since I was 18 and she was 15, which is more than 8 years ago at this point. While we've considered getting married, neither of us really sees the advantages in doing so, so it might be years still before we get married, if we decide to do it at all.

[Ganondorf8 11,121]

Given my current age, I should have started dating close to twenty years ago, but I never bothered because I know what can happen when love goes wrong. My siblings have been through such things--I'm not going to go into any details--and through them I realized that love, while a blessing, can also be a burden. At the rate I'm going, I'll likely remain single for the rest of my life.

[Summer Breeze 2,522]

I don't think you have to be ready to marrie yet by the time you start dating someone, but you will need to be maybe willing to marry the person you are dating by the time you get older. I think dating is a period of getting to know someone you like even better as you already did and thinking seriously about if you want to spend the rest of you life with them. sometimes that changes and you come to the conclusion that it's better not to get married and then you break up and that's okay, that's the responsible thing to do in my opinion. if I stat dating someone again it will be someone I can see myself with for the rest of my life, I may not be ready to marry yet when I start dating them but I will have them as my main option for when I am ready for it, if that makes sense  

[GrimGrimoire 4,970]

Well I can't speak for everybody, since everyone has their own opinion on what dating is, marriage is and what a relationship is.

That being said, for me personally... I think as has been mentioned above, going on dates here and there just to have a good time and spend some time with someone you like being with is fine. It is not like you have to plan the future with someone if all you want to do is go see a movie, go to sporting event or hit a convention together. A lot of people see a man and woman go out together, and it is automatically a "date" which is something I find rather silly. As long as you know where you stand with each other and what you are each seeking I think it is fine.

That being said, I think for me personally, if I do start dating someone, as in seeing the same person over and over, then it is for the purpose that I not only enjoy their company, but want to continue enjoying their company into the future. So for me, even though I do not date much, were I to change that, it would be for the purpose of getting to fully know them, discover how well we click and eventually settle down with them.

Really it is about being open with what you are looking for and listening to them and understanding what they are looking for, and then going from there.

[SONICchaos 824]

On 5/16/2017 at 5:13 AM, SparklingSwirls said:

I agree with Dreambiscuit. I think that dating "just to have fun" and without the intent of marriage is fine, so long as both people are okay with it. But if one person is expecting the relationship to lead to marriage, and the other person doesn't want to go as far, then it's probably not going to work out well...

Thats often just a symptom of lack of communication in a relationship and is a problem even in platonic relationships. Typically when you start dating someone you have the assumption of having the same goals just because. But since its not a job interview you're not asking "where do you see us in 10 years". You ask and you'll often find people say "Marriage? What? With you 10 years from now?". An odd question to ask in any stage of the relationship but while many do play games and lead you on many others are honest about their intentions. The question just never comes up.

"I thought we were just hanging out"

 

Spoiler

Still to those who play games and lead on. You suck