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general What's your biggest insecurity?


Reecejackox

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I used to have many insecurities, but I realized most of them where in my own mind. When criticizing myself for years, and then realizing most of that didn't matter to the outside world, and also realizing people have these kind of issues too, I started focusing on other things instead, like being a better person to others. It is sometimes not just about yourself.

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My feelings in general. I don’t like showing it much because I'm pretty reserved. Although, I wish it's easy for me to be more open without having to concealed it or feel insecure about it.

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Sometimes, as a result of psychological and emotional trauma, the human psyche can disconnect sensory, emotional and cognitive abilities, which can result in different states of dissociation. This can be a problem, as fear is an element of control. But someone without it, is free from these boundaries, which can make them a difficult element to society.
A person without fear does not need to relate with others for company, for example. So, the exercise of society becomes a pretence, as you see the impersonation of social behaviours to circumvent this and many other needs that stir, or are directly born from fear; like sustenance, shelter, social interaction, emotional support, need for reproduction, and any other action that results from the need for survival. In your eyes, fear does not exist anymore, it is essentially an illusion. In other words, any action taken as a direct result of it, becomes false. And so do human beings to some degree.

You begin to see others as objects you can manipulate with fear.

A psychologist once asked me a similar question about insecurities during my childhood, given my lack of response towards the educational system, despite my aptitude.To figure out what caused the dissociation from my ego. I remember watching into her eyes with a blank stare, and it was like seeing into the wall directly behind. There was no one there. I was alone. And the world outside wasn't any different. So unreal.

So, I don't concern myself with insecurities, because there is not a self to concern myself with.

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I'm super insecure about my abilities as a musician. But what no one seems to understand is that those insecurities are grounded in reality, not something that is just in my mind. No matter how hard I practice my brain hits a wall. I can't play as accurately as others. On top of that, rhythm is something that does not work with my mind. No matter how much I practice. While I do understand the rhythms, my brain just doesn't work properly. Something like putting in a grace note doesn't work. My brain can not hold it all together.

Yet I'm not completely unsalvageable. Like you give me a piece like this (example because I have played this lol), and I can play the [oboe] solo beautifully with all kinds of controlled vibrato and expression. But boy, if it had syncopation, was fast, and/or had grace notes than it wouldn't work.

It makes me sad, very sad.

Is it still insecurity if it's just straight-up acceptance of reality?

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I have Borderline Personality Disorder so that means I take things to extremes. I can get extremely jealous very easily and I have an intense fear of abandonment.

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It tends to fluctuate. But it would have to be my fear of not being able to support myself financially once I absolutely cannot lean on my folks providing for a roof over my head and such. They're not going to be around forever. And even though I had a steady job before the lockdown, I still don't feel 100% ready to care for myself for everything

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hahahaha, you thought you could fool me, could you? You thought you were smart with such a question? I have no intention of telling you that my biggest insecurity is not being able to lose weight.

Wait, hol' up..

Joking aside..

My biggest insecurity?  Hmm.. My closest friend. She is my everything. 

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