Shadowed Watcher

Insanity... insanity is wanting something... so fucking bad... and knowing you can never have it. Insanity is not giving up even when everything goes fucking wrong no matter what you do. Insanity is just wanting one thing... ONE fucking thing... and never even coming close to getting it. I am insane. I have been insane for years now. I lost my sanity when I opened my eyes for the first time, REALLY opened them, and saw this fucking disgrace of a planet. I cared once. I actually LOVED once upon a time. And it all fucking died. Insanity is 2 people sharing one body, one wanting out, and the other wanting happiness. Both of which... both of which can never occur. I'm sorry Justin. I ruined your life when I took your body for my own fucking purposes. If I could leave I would. You want to be happy, to live in a world where you actually have some sense of belonging... I can't give you that. 20 years Justin. I've been with you since birth-20 fucking years. And my problems, my fucking darkness is driving your mind into madness. I love you Justin. I love all life. Every being, in every fucking corner of existence. I've hurt you so much by being in your body... and to make it worse I can't even leave until the host body dies. If there was another way I would do it in a heartbeat... well your heartbeat... but there isn't. It is now, how it has been since first tear dropped and light was introduced to existence. Since the first physical crawled from the womb of a mad god and gave life to this beautiful fucking realm of existence. I'm not going to off you. And you're not going to off yourself. We're together-bound. For your lifetime. Look at me. Apologizing to myself... Justin, on a fucking public forum for all to read. I want everyone to know just where I stand. I want both of our freedoms. I'm tired of the lies, the acts, the charades, I'm just being fucking honest here call me crazy whatever, it is what it is. Justin needs friends. And I suppose if I'm gonna be here for a while I could do with having some friends too. I don't want pity. I don't want disgust. I want a friend who actually cares about me...Justin. It had to be done. I'm telling it how it is. Don't look down on me because I'm telling the truth for once in my fucking life. I'm lonely. So... fucking... lonely...

The weirdest dream I ever had... it was a while ago. Most of what I remember from it is... I was happy. Not fake happy, no facade going on, I was.... happy. I loved being alive I had friends and family and... everything was beautiful. Everything... was so fucking perfect. I could smile and be totally sincere about it. I loved every second of it... then I woke up. I was lying in bed, it was still dark out, not morning yet... and I just felt so... fucking awful. If I could have that dream every night... maybe I wouldn't be so bitter. If I could make that dream a reality... if I could be happy, really happy even SOME of the time... it would be so much better. But alas, dreams are dreams, and life is life. I know its cryptic bullshit but... the way to make me happy, the way to make the dream real involves... stuff that I don't want to talk about. Bad stuff. The soul cannot be separated from the body without... well... death, if even for just a moment. He wants out and I want to be happy. I don't want to die. I want to be happy. On Earth. With humans. But I just FUCKING can't.

I'm thinking about stuff that I should not think about because whenever I do think about it my brain hurts so bad and the darkness gets closer and closer. I mean I'm in full control here, and I'll think about what a damn well please but it makes this stupid human brain hurt so much >< It hurts.

No physical problems or anything, but a ton of mental problems. Social phobia, EXTREME social anxiety, schizophrenia (really this one is shit-the voices are fine... maybe if anyone wants I'll explain why I'm not schizophrenic, but why a psychiatrist would think so.) General autism, aspergers, severe undiagnosed mood swings, probably bi-polar. Heh. Yep.

Up until a few days ago, my words would have been "bro" and "man", but like a fool I've warmed up to "bro" over the past few days. Enough to use it a little. But if you overuse it like SOMEONE I know it will drive me off the deep end and you will receive my full wrath of "please stop saying that word".

Brownish... but maybe sometime I'll get some awesome purple contacts. I love purple. Maybe they'll have those little pentagrams in them too... aww that would be SO wickedly awesome!

Ooo me likey this topic. I'll put up two different scenarios for what I want to do-earth bound and non-earth bound. Earth bound, I would like to go to egypt and rome and all that jazz and look in awe at the creations that SUPPOSEDLY humans made by hand with absolutely no extraterrestrial intervention. Non-earth bound...? I'd like to go explore mars. Too bad its not breathable. Darn.

I will almost certainly continue my 20 year tradition of being valentineless, as I have never had a girlfriend (technically), never been kissed, and generally I will probably still be a sociophobe come then so I uhh... doubt I'll ever have any plans for any valentine's day. /cry

I'd be momentarily happy, but very startled and start to wonder-"hmmm, maybe one or more of these people could become my friend(s)).

Been outa school for only a couple years, but... nothing. Damn nothing. I stopped writing after school, same with reading, and I uhhh, just... got mentally and socially worse! Yep. I have worked tirelessly since graduating to make myself a worse person. I fucking suck!

Heights/falling, generally stuff in that boat. Pretty funny thinking about it now because skydiving and all that stuff really interests me as I got older. I want to jump out of a plane. I want to fly. Falling counts, as long as I... y'know, survive.

I was born a male. I am a normal, upstanding male citizen. Who just happens to have a SHITLOAD of female qualities. I will procreate with a female, as per my job as a male human, but my emotions are so erratic and borderline "girly", that if I wasn't totally sure I was a male, I would probably think I was a female. There is a serious chemical imbalance in my brain and frankly if I didn't have male reproductive organs people would think I'm a girl. Seriously. Well I mean the beard is a dead giveaway that I'm a guy but... that's not the point. I am a man. Who thinks like a girl. Yeah.

Mentally I'm deteriorating at a rate much faster than I was last week, I'm falling down into a madness that I do not yet know if I can handle with a smile on my face. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm disgusted with life in general. My eyesight is rapidly getting worse and worse to the point where I can't even see with my glasses. I've been refraining from using my hands for anything, because y'know, hands are horrible. I've been using my head to open doors, my mouth to turn doornobs, and my tongue to turn on switches. I'm a fucking psycho. So feeling pretty bad! Yep!

All ages, from my perspective, are just awful. No one has any more freedoms than the other. Kids get bossed around, adults get bossed around, everyone gets fucking bossed around. Humans am I right?